Thursday, December 21, 2006

Ho Ho Ho - Give Me Snow!

Yeah, I know, call me crazy. I've seen the reports of the blizzard in Colorado and I'm, well, jealous. The kids and I were watching the news with our jaws to the floor this morning, yelling, YES, yelling things like, "NO FAIR!" "WHY CAN'T WE HAVE THAT?" "WHERE IS OUR STUPID SNOW?" "WE NEED A WHITE CHRISTMAS!" And then I heard one of them say this: "I wish the blizzard would come here" - NO, actually, I don't wish the blizzard would really come here. Just some snow to be on the trees and the driveway and the road and falling when we wake up on Christmas morning. Because, that is what we like here; a white Christmas. OK, I really hate the cold, it is truly painful in my bones. But I desperately want a good, old-fashioned white Christmas. But NOT a blizzard. I repeat. NOT. A. BLIZZRD.

I mean, really how ridiculous is Nicholas' sled going to look, under the tree - no snow? Just sayin, something we've grown accustomed to. However, with global warming taking over the planet and all, I guess we'll need to improvise a little. Somehow. Or wait until say Spring, when we are tired of the snow, and it just refuses to go away. In the meantime, at present, it's 50 outside, and my fingers are numb from being too cold still. And yet I'm demanding snow. Go figure! Hey, I've a few screws loose, I admit it.

Tomorrow is the big day - my occipital block!! YES!! I can't wait. I am excited, because I'm hoping it will do something for me. Then, we are taking the kids to see The Nativity and f i n i s h (I hope) Christmas shopping. They need to shop for each other and Frank. I am done for them and Frank. Maybe a few more toys for the little guy. I don't know. I'm really looking forward to the time off with the kids. Unfortunately, Frank will be working, but he'll be home for Christmas.

We haven't heard from Philip in over a week, and would appreciate any prayers for him and the men in his company. It must be very hard for them to be away from their families at this time. I know it's very hard for Frank. He misses him very much, and not hearing from him makes it difficult. Especially at Christmas.

I wish for you all a very Merry Christmas. Jackie, thank you so much for the Christmas card! Awesome. I can't wait to hear Philip's reaction. How very very thoughtful of you. Wishing all painfree holidays. Deborah

Friday, December 15, 2006

Lend Me Your Hope

I received this in an email from a friend today, and thought I'd share it with you here. I hope someone else will find as much comfort in it as I did.> <>

Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that
you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit (Romans 15:13).

Lend me your hope for awhile, I seem to have mislaid mine.
Lost and hopeless feelings accompany me daily, pain and confusion are my
I know not where to turn; looking ahead to future times does not bring
forth images of renewed hope.
I see troubled times, pain-filled days, and more tragedy.
Lend me your hope for awhile, I seem to have mislaid mine.
Hold my hand and hug me; listen to all my ramblings, recovery seems so far
The road to healing seems like a long and lonely one.
Lend me your hope for awhile, I seem to have mislaid mine.
Stand by me, offer me your presence, your heart and your love.
Acknowledge my pain, it is so real and ever present.
I am overwhelmed with sad and conflicting thoughts.
Lend me your hope for awhile; a time will come when I will heal, and I will
share my renewal, hope, and love with others (adapted from the poem "Lend
Me Your Hope," author unknown).

The apostle Paul gives us the biblical basis for our comfort and hope:
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of
mercies and God of all comfort; who comforts us in all our affliction so
that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the
comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For just as the
sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant
through Christ" (2 Corinthians 1:3-5).

Thursday, December 14, 2006

The Monster

Oh yes, the Monster has, without doubt, struck again. I am moving in slow-motion, daily; just dragging along. Waiting for It to leave. But, no It won't. It is stuck in my head; swelling and pounding, and invading the rest of my body, bit by bit. The right of my face, today - is feeling numb, yet, not so much. You know, fuzzy and tingly and warm, but not in a nice way. There is way too much pain coming with it for that. Then there's the ever-approaching nausea. It just comes in a pool of waves today. It just started a few minutes ago. I was fine all moring, not totally fine, just free of the tossing and turning in my stomach. My jaw feels as though there is a clamp hinging it; not quite from the back, and not so much form the front. But it is so definitely feeling like it's being forced.

Oh, yes, I know who You are - the Monster, the Uninvited Guest. You show up wehn least expected or basically whenever you want. You're quick to come, and slow to leave. Although, this time, you have been coming on much too slowly. Please just pack your things and show your way out. Quickly this time. You are suredly never welcome here. For Iv'e had enough of YOU.

The clamping has started around the top of my skull. My right eye isis feeling the hammering; it is coming from the back of my head - and straight thru - out of my eye. I can almost see it coming and going. No, that is the tunnel visssion, my bad. Just leave me alone. Please.

T oday is beautiful. Sunny and warm. Unusual for this tme of year. And I feel lousy. I'm going back to bed, yet agian. Trying to gt rid of another migraine. I called my pain doc for an occipital block, and the soonest - Dec 26. Hopefully, he will get a cancellation before then. I can only pray. And I will.

Monday, December 11, 2006

My Tree

Feeling like this color, basically. Needing to jump to say this color soon.

On the plus side, we picked out our Christmas tree. On Friday. Although it's large, fragrant and green; that is all it is. Green. No lights, yet. I was too comfy, either in bed or on the couch, all weekend to get the lights on it. The poor kids keep asking me when we're going to decorate, rather I'm going to. As a rather compulsive person, in my nature, it is I who must assemble the lights. "They need to be properly aligned," as Frank reminded himself lastnight when he suggested , to ME, that Cinderisa put the lights up. I think he probably just saw my eyes bulge or something, as he quickly corrected himself. It's not that she can't do a good job or anything; she could probably do a half-way decent job. It's just something I prefer to do myself.

That was Monday. Nicholas and I, successfully, decorated the tree. And then, I collapsed, literally. The girls were thrilled when they came in from school to see it all alit. I'm not totally thrilled with it, but it's going to do. for now. I don't feel so good these days; so it's just going to do. They love it, and really, that is all that matters.

I overslept this morning. Did not hear the phone ringing to wake me. So I had to take Marisa to school. What a nightmare! I, first of all, was in NO shape to be on the road. But I was. Unfortunately. AND, my tank was empty. Well, I had 11 gallons to empty. So I had to first, get gas, THEN, drive; which in itself, today was a feat I was not willing to take. Nor should I be. The nightmare really was when I got to the parking, rather, the drop-off spot. The many MANY busses and minivans and cars. It seemed unending. I just wanted to get home. I really thought I'd never get here.

I just want to feel good. Perhaps right now, I'm trying too hard. Yeah, that's what it is. I'm chalking it up to that. As the right side of my head is yet again, being invaded by the monster; I will still try again, and again and again..... Until then, I suppose I will just wait. Hopefully with some patience. At least my tree is decorated.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

The Total Sum of Moi

Well, for starters, let's just say this: it's all my parent's fault! And you can ask my sister, you know, the one with the cutie pie a few dozen posts back - because she, too, is blaming them!

While Frank was looking at the stupid pamphlets on Parkinson's Disease (NOT -thankyouverymuch!!!!) I'm just a nervous wreck, jerking away, waiting for THE doctor to come in; the one who specializes in "movement disorders" - that is what I was there for. I'm just saying to him, as I'm making the chair move from the wall with the stupid JERKING THAT WON'T STOP "there's nothing wrong, the MRI came out normal, yet again, so I'm just normal. I have huge freaking weird Migraines, but I'm normal. Get it?"

Frank, reading stupid pamphlet, "yep, you do this, and this, WOW, and THIS!" Basically, he's ignoring me.

In walks THE doc, very nice, by the way. Does his thing for however long. Questions and more stupid questions. And says this: "I believe a person with chronic pain, such as yours, can have very deep psychological problems, that we cannot perceive or help you with. BUT, (my favorite word) there is a place that does specialize in this area with sever chronic patients, such as yourself"

Me, feeling like a total and complete loser, gee, why is that exactly???? Say something like, "So I'm just a basic lunatic with unmanageable migraines, that make my body do weird stuff. So, I'm nuts? Is that what you're telling me?"

But, no, he reassured me, that not only am I not nuts or a lunatic; but it's because of the chronic migraines that my body is resorting to this new and improved way of life . AND - yeah, this is where my parents fit in, don't they just always; " there may be some deep issues of unresolved health reasons we don't know of to get to, and this would be the place to help."

Frank: "you mean, because her father always said she wouldn't amount to anything, and didn't take her illnesses serious; he always did say she was making herself sick, is that why?"

Right about now, I'm looking to just run out the door, but I can't seem to get my head out of my ass!

But THE doctor did, yet again, reassure me, that I'm not NOT crazy. (Yeah, that made me feel so much better), and said it is an unfortunate part of chronic pain that our bodies put us through. OH, and we'll just do a few more tests to rule out this and that and really, you're still not crazy. "And have a vonderful holiday. "

Ok, for the record; I didn't go in looking for a problem. I'm extremely happy I don't have anything else at this point. But in truth, I feel like not only did I waste his time, my husband's time from work, but MY time! AGAIN! Pain just freaking sucks. And now, it's doing something really freaking weird to me; apparently, it does happen to others. Poor souls. I'm so not interested in going to ANOTHER hospital, away from my family, because of this stupid disease called MIGRAINE! I just doesn't end. It morphs.

I called my sister to tell her all of this, this morning; and at first we laughed, because we comiserated about the crap we had to deal with when we were sick; the stupid things he would say. Not a loving environment to be brougt up in. I'm sure they believe it was, as they refuse to see their ignorance. I'm thankful that I can have her to talk with and verify. It's very sad, though. She is 12 years younger than I, so I always looked at her as my baby sister. When she was born, her and her twin brother my brother; it was like getting a love gift. I finally had someone I could love, unconditionally, that would love me back. What a unique experience they were for me.

I was in my senior year of high school when I left home; she was 5. I was more sad about leaving the twins than anything. I felt misunderstood by my father, who doesn't at that age. But it's still there. She and I have remained very close. We have been there for each other. Unfortunately, she now is facing her own medical crises. I told her to start a blog, because she reads mine, and she started to read others on her disease. So maybe she will. I hope so. If anything - there are some real healing properties in this.

So to celebrate my NOT having some weird movement disorder - Thank you LORD! I told Frank to get me WINE. Yep, because this weekend, I want a glass or 3 of wine. Hey, maybe I'll even have my pole installed by then! Anyone know where to get one??? I do think I'm going to take up the belly dancing, by the way. I saw an article in my paper this am. Anyone else IN??????

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

new outlook - of sorts

The good news: the MRI came back normal. Of course.

The bad news: I still feel like Garbage. GARBAGE. Complete with smell, and barf bag. No barf. Can't eat because fo the nausea.

The good news: I got my big (ok, there is no big) butt off the couch today, AND I even put on make-up. AND did my doo. Because I'm so tired of feeling like shit all the time, that maybe, just maybe; if I look good, I'll start to feel good.

The bad news: I still feel like I want to barF! And my head is swelling insde - I just know it is. The kids are screaming and I just told them to (get this) "SHUT UP!!" (BOY someone should really call child services here)

The crazy good news: they still love me.

So yesterday, as I lay, head throbbing FREAKING HARD, mind you, stomach wanting to PUKE something - ANYTHING!!! HE says to me, (because he is sick of looking at me under a blanket for days, feeling like I do) "That's it! I don't even want to celebrate Christmas here this year. I'm not having people here with you like this. Not even a tree!!" Ok, I'm sure the kids are hip to that idea.

Here's what I'm thinking: remember that pic a few posts back with Madonna on the pole? (NOT THE BLESSED MOTHER!) GO back I'll wait.......................... Yeah, that pole. I'm thinking, perhaps if I try my own damn therapy, install said freaking pole in my home; take up say, I don't know, Salsa or Belly dancing - hey I've got the freaking tremors already - I do have a head start here. Get rid of a few choice meds (ok, I'll talk it over with the doc first, blah blah blah!!) Maybe, this just might work for me! I'll let ya know how that works out. Thank God my MIL doesn't read my blog.

well dip me in chocolate - more good news: I jus got a call from the docs office AND the movement guy has an opening this afternoon. Well color me dancing. Not on a pole yet. Yes, I am so freaking twisted I hurt

Monday, December 04, 2006

What a weekend!

Well, I tried. I tried to make the arts fest, and I failed. I felt myself going down, and down I went. The tremors, or whatever they are - followed IMMEDIATELY afterward.

Got to the car, twitching started, head ramming and slamming. Maybe it is all just related to the migraine. I don't know. But in any case, it is geting much more frequent and intense.

Sunday, tried church - wasn't feeling so well when I got up. I just feel constantly nauseaus. All of the time lately. Pressure on the top of my head. We get there, I'm feeling a litle off my feet (funny) more like the the walls are moving around me; trying to grab at me, sort of. I find where Terri and Frank are siting. Trying desperately, so desperately to ignore what is happening inside me. The twitching and the pain, up my spine, in my head, making my left leg contort. And then, Im gone! And I don't know for how long I'm gone, because I do hear the music around me, but I can't see anything, I can hear, the nausea is so intense now, it grabs my insides like nothing before. Adn my head is just screaming with pain. I want to go to the hospital now. I WANT TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL. I can't take it anymore. The jerking won't stop. I try to make it stop. I'm thinking, to myself, It's me, I'm making myself do this, but it won't stop. Adn the pain in my head is just so intense now.

Now I am in the car, and I really don't know how I got there. Funny. Bits and pieces of information escape me at this time. Whare is Terri. Frank is mad and frustrated that nothing is helping. I'm thinking he's mad at me, that I'm sick again. He cn't be! It's not my fault. I think he really is jus sick and tired of all of it. Like I am. Time is going so fast. We are at the Emergency Dep't. I am just jumping with these damn tremors. Why don't they stop? And what are they.? Is the Zonegran not working anymore? Maybe that's all it is. That wold be an easy fix right. But I'm getting more and more and more of these everyday. One on top of another. They seem to start at the base of my spine, above my buttocks, very painful. And the pain travels up my spine, and makes my whole body just shake. My left leg quivers insidelike jello. then it kicks hard. And my back will do the same up and down. sometimes I get migraine with it and sometmes not. Today, very hard. So I was treatd as a migraine.

The residents kknow me very well; thankfully, and don't treat me as a drug-seeking patient. I don't want drugs, I want answers. Please!! Answeres to why my body is now acting like it can't sit still. Could this REALLY be another dose of migraie disease?

Today, I am exhausted, and sick to my stomach. Jerking, and my head is pounding again. So I ask, my doctor, whom I respect very much, now what? Where do I go from here? This I can't live with. Could you? Please help me.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

El Yucko

Despite feeling like crap, yet again, I am going out and doing something I haven't done in a long time. There just happens to be a, and not your typical, Artisan show in town today at our local fairgrounds. So, that is where I am headed this afternoon. Tremors, jerking, high-horse stepping and all. I thoroughly enjoy local artist displaying their crafts, and now, I will be able to embark on their beautiful marksmanship. I cannot wait. Hopefully, I will not be like a bull in a china shop, like I have in the past. One can only hope for such a miracle. I have been popping Zofran like candy the last few days, to keep my tummy under control. Can't eat, however, I have been able to sleep quite well. Something about the tremors making me dreadfully tired. Not such a bad thing, since I was unable to sleep for about 2 weeks. Still banking on the MRI showing Nothing!!!! Wouldn't surprise me in the least. The tremors seem to be coming from my lower back, then going into my left leg, and creeping up into my sping. Somehow, they are triggering a migraine. At least, I think it's a trigger. Needless to say, I have been extremely nauseaus for the past week, and can't eat. Ginger ale, and I have become best friends again. Oh, and Won ton soup - I'm going for the active ginger ingredient in that today for a cure! right now, the fuzzy, metal feeling on my tongue has started, and I'm going to lay down. But I WILL be going to the Art show. I can't wait! As it stands, I have a friend, who teaches at SU, and will be showing some work. Can't wait to see her stuff. Take care. Me

Thursday, November 30, 2006

ugly dog, bad day

I feel like my dog looks! Yeah, kinda like that. Shocked, busted, ugly. Icky. So you know - he is NOT allowed on my bed! He was totally busted in a very restful nap as I snuck up on him and yelled at him, thus the stupid look of shock on his pitiful face.

And it's kind of how I'm feeling right. now. I was hit with the tremor again yesterday. Followed by a "sweet" little (right) migraine. I woke (yesterday) not feeling so well - nauseated, unsteady. Didn't I just say I was ready to take back a bit of my freaking LIFE?!!!!! Oh how my head is swimming today in a pile of mush and fuzz. Perhaps, I should just keep those thoughts to myself; because, without fail, this is exactly what happens when I share my intensions. Disaster.

Today, I am scheduled for the MRI. We'll just see how that goes. Hey, at least I slept like a rock lastnight. I can't seem to keep my leg from jerking right now. My body feels like it just wants to start all over again, with the jumping and jerking tremors. Looks like another one of those days. Getting some uncomfortable chest pain with it too. Not sure if it's from being tightly curled up, or what. But MAN am I uncomfortable!!! Journaling in my book again, and here. Can't stop jerking rigt now. My body is just jumpy jumpy jumpy. I wish I knew why. Is it a part of the Migraine Disease aor something New and Improved?? Oh goodie! Thankfullly, my mind is in tact. AND my humor. Ok, too much jerking

Monday, November 27, 2006

Another Birthday at the ranch

Happy Birthday my big 6 year old!!!! How cute is he? He came down to me this morning; I was on the computer, and he says, "Well, today is my birthday!" And he just hopped up on my lap and curled up. How incredibly delicious is that?! He is my little sweetie pie. Full of hugs and kisses, anytime I want them. Boys are awesome!

Having a little party tonight at home with the family; and then he's having some boys over on Friday afterschool. His cake tonight - a football, well, 2. A big one and then his own special cake, just for him. He says he doesn't feel 6. That's ok, I feel 6 for him. I was asked to add a few pictures to todays blog - by him. I'm sure he'll love it.

This is Hyrup, the snake. He lives in Nicholas' room - IN A TANK. Philip brought him home before he left for bootcamp; and suggested that Nick take care of him. ME??? Well, I was totally freaked out at first, wouldn't go near him, or in the same room when he was out; but as you can see, I've grown quite accustomed to him. He's really very sweet for a snake. I was able to bring him to school last year, in Nick's pre-school class. They loved it! He is getting very big, very fast. I do NOT delight in feeding time; and only once, 2 weeks ago, did I have the unfortunate luck to be walking by his room when Hyrup grabbed his meal. Let me just say, rats are very loud! I ran screaming, holding my ears, yelling something like, "LA LA LA NOT HEARING NA NA NANA!!!!" I was the kid who cried during Wild Kingdom when my father used to watch it. I can't handle the whole "circle of life" thing happening. But hey, Hyrup has to eat, too. Just not in my presence.

Here's the big scary dog looking fierce and alert! Doesn't he just look like he's saying something like, "You talkin to me?" What a dumb dog! Gotta love him.

Me and Cinderisa. She is actually sitting on my lap, and is about 1" taller than me. She is a beauty. So tonight we celebrate my baby's birthday. We've done a lot of that lately. OMG - pay no attention to the tacky laundry basket behink the chair! Or he backwards chair. I'm sick, and I know it. OCD never leaves me alone! awww who cares! If you'd like to leave a Happy B'day to Nick.. just leave it in my comments. I'm sure he'd get a huge kick out of it.

Time to wrap presents. Frost cakes. Celebrate!

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Wanting to be a part of the real world - again

It has been 2 years since I've been able to work. Two years! Two years of constant pain; doctors, tests -some of which were normal; the previous MRI being in Feb of '05 anyway. Hospital stays; both at home, and far away from home. One place in particular, although I learned a great deal from; I will be happy to never step foot in their doors. Two years of the money-sucking hole this relentless 'headache' has caused. Don't mistake the pain only starting 2 years ago, it's been with me much longer; it just had a way of taking over my life in the last 2 years. Completely!

And now, I have a great urge to start taking back some of that control. Regardless of the pain, and the new little "Spaz attacks" as Terri and Frank call them. It seems as though each time I try, or suggest, or think of going back to work, another symptom, or hospital stay, or something else with my health rears an ugly head. Does that mean I give up trying? I'm not ready to give up yet.

But I do remember a time that I was ready to give up. I remember laying in a hospital bed, and no amount of med would make it stop; it was just a matter of time before the poisons would work their magic and relieve the pain - just a little. And it would come on strong and hard again, and again. I remember thinking to myself, how much easier to just let go. If I could just go. And I'd see my little one's come to visit me, with pictures they'd made to cheer me up. Or bring me a soft blanket to keep me smelling home, and feel a little more comfortable. And I would think how young they were, and what would they do without ME? They need their Mother. But I was so weak, and in so much pain, so much much more than I feel now. And I really didn't know HOW much more of it I could take.

So now I feel as if I should be able to start taking back bits of my life. I don't desire to be the sick Mom, who can't make it to the concert. Or to my son's first's this year, in kindergarten. I missed so so much of his pre-school stuff. If it wasn't for Mindy, a wonderful person and friend; Nicholas would not have even been able to go to pre-school. She was there, everyday, on time! To pick my little boy up for school and drop him back to me. I couldn't drive then. There were more days I was on the couch or in bed, than up and about. It was dreadful. Literally horrible. But he enjoyed pre-school, thankfully. His time was somewhat occupied by something other than just a sick Mommy.

The girls had their activities, too. I missed most of them, sadly. And they were so great about it each time. They were never upset with me, like I was. And Frank was faithful to get them to the concerts, and the track meets. Then, they would take care of me, on the days they'd come home from school; do the housework that I should have been able to do. I always felt so guilty, but they never begrudged me. Well, not a lot!

A friend, who was my boss at the Y, has been asking me when I'm coming back. I see her every Sunday in church. Last Sunday while we were driving, I said to Frank; "You know, maybe I can start going back to work?!" He just laughed at me, reminding me that I'd just gotten over a good four-day migraine. I was at that euphoric phase, you know? When it has finally calmed itself, and you start to feel real good, like a little high your body gives you. Yeah, that's where I was. A few minutes later, I felt this strange spasm in my lower back, didn't think much of it.

I was feeling ok for a while through the service, and all of a sudden, the spasm hit me again; and added with it, a little pipe to the back of my head sort of feeling. I started to feel a little dizzy. Sometimes I get that way from looking down, as I was. But then, my leg started to do it's strange twitch, slow at first, and gradually, the other leg and my back came into play. At first, Frank just laughed at me, and gave me the spaz movement back at me. But it suddenly took on a form all it's own. My body was completely in this incredible spaz-like activity. I couldn't sit still, only curl up; as that is where my muscles were taking me. I felt as though I was in and out of reality. Not sure what was happening, or where I was - only I knew I needed to get home.

This is something my doc called, "chorea" when I saw him 2 weeks ago. I have another MRI scheduled for this week. As does everything weird in my case, I have a sinking suspicion that it will probably come out - NORMAL. It's not that I want an abnormal brain tumor or anything horrid, just a simple - answer. To the many many many questions that have flooded ME, each time my body does something incredibly weird like that. Believe me, it was weird, and it was quite painful at times. I was toast for the rest of the day. It happened again on Monday, twice; and Tuesday and Wednesday - twice. And of course it happened on Thursday, at my MIL house. Something we both prayed wouldn't happen. Each time it started the same, with the twinge in my back; and this time Frank saw it coming. They lasted anywhere from 5-10 minutes in length. And then I crashed. Sometimes it triggers a migraine. Sometimes there is no pain in my head afterward. This time, it has triggered a new sympom altogether, one I'm not sure is a part of it or not. But there is this little scream-like pain that comes into my midsternum. OUCH. There is no taking my breath away with it, or anything like that, but it's still there. This doesn't happen everyday, the tremor, spaz, chorea; but when it does, it is strange. I've been free of it since Thursday.

So, naturally, me being me; I said to Frank, yet again on Sunday morning - "What if I were to go back to work, just like maybe 2 or 3 days while Nick is at school??" I'm sure he was secretly waiting for me to start flopping like a fish, or get the bat to the back of the head that brings on another migraine. But I didn't. This time, he just smiled, not reminding me of ALL THE OTHER TIMES I suggest this, now fantasy, idea. There were a few 'what ifs' in there. But, he just agreed this time.

I have been fortunate enough to be able to be there for my children; they see me before they go to school, and I'm home for them when they return. I always desired to be a good Mom; to be here for them. And I am; both. I miss the medical field I used to work in - won't be going there again, those skills are outdated. But I loved the work I did at the Y. The people I worked with, the members. The pay wasn't great, but I loved the job. Isn't that what's important anyway. I mean, sure, high-paying jobs are a necessity in this area where we are just TAXED TO DEATH! But hey, I liked what I did. And really, I never complained about the pay, the benefits, to me, far out-weighed the paycheck. Being able to have my kids there, involved in sports, and other activities. Access of the state-of-the-art equipment! Well Frank enjoyed that. Me, not such a graceful soul, I was terribly intimidated by the stuff, and usually ended up getting hurt. There's only so many times you can let the treadmill go out from under your feet, forgetting to step up on the sides, and ride it full-speed into the computer on the front. I'd laugh it off, "just wanted to make sure it still works that way! We need to have this one checked. Don't use it." I was secretly hoping to be banned from that room.

The sauna was my favorite room.. Being always cold, that was where I would run to "make sure it was still working and nobody died in there from heat exhaustion." Hey, it can happen. So, I am going to go to the Y, and talk about going back, even if it's for just a few days a week. I want to gain a piece of me back from this painful disease that took over my life 2 years ago.

I know I'm going to have bad days; everyone has bad days! But I am having some good days, finally, and I want them. Even if it gives me the satisfaction of just being normal once again. Instead of being the sick one. I don't want to be there, and I know, it's always there to haunt me. But damn it, I need to get a piece of my life back. So wish me luck. That's my rant for today. I'm sticking with it.

By the way, on the Madonna thing: I had the fun of telling my MIL, who laughed, hysterically at it. You need to understand this - she is from Naples, Italy. A very seriously devout Catholic nation. She is no longer Catholic, but most of her family there is. She knows, deeply, the standing taken to the Blessed Mother, (Who for the record, I did NOT call a tramp). She had this to say to me, "Imagine if you had two priests standing behind you!" She said this while laughing. Hysterically. Is anyone sensing a note of guilt on my part? I feel like I should go buy the stamps!!!!!!!!

NAH! Hoping all a pain-free day! Or at least a manageable one at best. Take care.

Monday, November 20, 2006

And What to My Wandering Eyes Should Appear......

Sunday morning, sitting in my habitual routine; before getting ready FOR CHURCH, I must add. I am reading the paper; I like to read the news first; Frank likes the adds. I get through the typical hum-drum of what is actually given to the world in their view; and I come upon this:NEED I SAY MORE??!!! This is whom I was referring to at the grocery store! NOT the Bella Madonna. But exactly this! I just couldn't believe my eyes when I ran across this magazine in my Sunday paper. Thank you. Thank you. I feel as if I should run to Wegmans, seek out the man behind the counter, who thought I was the pig for calling, as my husband put it, "You called the Virgin Mary a TRAMP?!" For the record, no. I did not call the Virgin Mary any such thing. It was this here, this site, that I was thinking of. A very gifted voice, yes, but c'mon, is the pole really necessary????? I think not.

So this is the point I was trying to make, as I tripped, badly all over myself. I can't wait to tell my Mother-in-law. She is from Naples. I think she will enjoy, immensely the story. Catholocism being a HUGE religion in Italy, where her family still resides, with all the ritual - she will no doubt, enjoy my story.

For me, I had another little(right!) attack of the shakira type yesterday. Complete with hysteria, slammed with icepicks, tremors and my pretty-high stepping horsey walk. (insert the neighing here) Very painful and awkward. Today, I need to take Nicholas to his Ped for his physical. This is the place with the huge black and white floors on the diagonal that set me off. This shuld prove to be a glorious day for me. As I've already started off on the wrong high-step footing. Good thing I'm not driving today. Can you just see it? Hoping all better days. Deborah

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Open Mouth, Insert......

So here's the scene: I'm in line for postage stamps at Wegman's, just finished the grocery shopping for the week. (Can I just say this first? wait, my blog, of course I can!) Has anyone else noticed the price of EVERYTHING in the store going up by cents per week?? EVERY week? I used to get my bulk p-towels for $3.99, then it was 4.19, this week, it was 4.59. It's not like they've actually put more stinking paper per role or anything. In fact, my weirdo conspiracy mind is thinking, maybe they are taking a few sheets per roll OFF!!!! What about the tuna??? They lured me into the wonderful taste of white albacore at a pretty 59cents per can. I can't get near the stuff anymore without paying over $1 a can for the stuff. Not to mention, they stick their oh-so-attractive-so-called-savings-in-bright-YELLOW-SALE-STICKER in front of it, trying to get me to buy the stuff. Now I can't get my nose near the "other" tuna I ate for years, because it smells like CAT FOOD!! AND makes me litterally gag when I have to open it for the kids, because they now WANT tuna fish!!!! So what gives here?

But that wasn't the real reason I came here today. I needed to share a little stupidity I had yesterday. Out of the mouth of my very own. Have you ever, no I'm sure nobody has EVER done this, well not THIS, because this was classic; anyway, have you ever just popped out a statement, and realized, oops, not meant for what YOU were thinking!! Yeh, that was me yesterday:

So after I, begrudgingly, ha ha, handed my check (she had to pull it from me actually) over from my incredibly small purchase, I headed to the Service Counter. I was behind an elderly woman, who was very concerned about her pre-made pie shell, by the way. Not kidding, she insisted the graham cracker crust, in foil, in platic container, should have it's own bag, "it's very fragile!" There is a reason I'm not in public service, I would have asked her if she wanted bubble wrap. HOWEVER; it's important to know that she was in front of me. Because, a nice man came along and asked me if I needed anything. Of course, I was there for the postage stamps, which he kindly handed me. They were so pretty, all these crispy, blue snowflakes. I admired them, "Ooh, so pretty, thank you!" Like they were an early Christmas gift to me or something.

He's counting back my change to hand it to me and says, "I thought you'd prefer those over the (OK, pay attention) Madonna stamps."

("Stupid is as stupid does..") "Oh, she is such a pig!" I say, with great disgust.

Old lady with pie: A great gasp is heard from her, she turns and gives me the most disgusting look and starts to storm away with her precious stupid pie. (What is HER problem, I'm thinking!!! Weirdo Madonna lover. "Like a Virgin" is playing in my head, and I'm looking at her, storming away, thinking, "strange")

Until the other girl behind the counter starts to giggle. DUH!! And that is when it hit me; Hello Deb! Christmas! Jesus' birth! You idiot!!!

"OOH! THAT MADONNA! I was referring to the perfomer!" Tripping here all over myself, realizing the sweet Virgin MOTHER OF OUR LORD, I JUST REFERRED TO AS A P I G!!!!!!!

"Yes, she can sing, but still she's a pig, I mean - have you seen her onstage recently? In the news? I just don't care for her pro-religious acts." Which, I'm realizing is really just digging me deeper in the hole, because he SHOWS me the Madonna HE was referring to. (Insert the sound of abounding angels, "AAAHHhhhh") Sweet, wholesome, in front of pretty and colorful stained glass art.

"Really, I was referring to the singer, you know, "Like a Virgin." To which he just smiled, put the stamps away and simply said, "Next."

As I'm walking away, thinking, did he NOT know who Madonna was? It hit me, I just said, "Like a virgin!!"

There is just NO making up for this one is there? Nope, so I thought I'd share it here. Because, in reality - it's funny. When you GET both sides of the picture. I think Madonna has a very gifted and wonderful voice, I just don't particularly like to see her on a cross, or in the other realm she has put herself. It's disgusting. My blog, my opinion. Whatever! I loved her in Evita, she portrayed her, wonderfully; that is as far as I'll go wtih that.

I'm off to Penney's to do some Christmas shopping. I can only imagine where my mouth will get me today. I can only imagine.

Monday, November 13, 2006

yeah, so I'm twisted, so what

It's a very humbling experience to be in the midst of Veterans of wars past. I never really understood the meaning; not when my Grandfather showed me the pictures he had from his days at war. Not from the movies I'd watched on the big screen or TV. It wasn't until my step-son left American soil, the safety of home, the closeness of a phonecall away; only then did I fully understand the meaning of what Veteran's Day truly means. The dignity and bravery of what these men and women have suffered. Suffered.

On Saturday, we took the kids to the War Memorial for the ceremony before the parade. There, they proudly marched each troop in uniform. We sat behind the Marines in their dress blues, of course. Oorah. Philip is of course, a Marine! And he is now a Lance Corporal. I proudly announce. Nicholas did wear his Marine cammies and his cover, along with his USMC t-shirt over a green long sleeved shirt. Marisa wore her green USMC sweatshirt, and Philip's boot camp cover. (that is what Marine's call their caps) Christina wore her pink Marine hoodie. I wore Philip's USMC sweatshirt from bootcamp - no doubt, he sweat many hours in that shirt. I feel very proud to wear that. There was no mistaking what we were there for. Marisa wears his graduation ring on a chain; boot camp graduation.

We saw Veterans from many wars; Korean, Viet Nam, Desert Storm, and even the current war. We saw injured Vets, young men, no older than our own Philip. My heart cried for these men. But they had smiles on their faces - for they were proud. Proud to be recognized, among so many other before them. Yes, they too are Veteran's of war. It was so very humbling to be in their presence. What an honor to be among them. They went to forsaken, forgotten, and forlorn countries, to keep us free. To free others. Maybe we don't agree with each and every war that has been fought, but thank God we have people who are willing to go.

It was sad to see how few were there inside the War Memorial to honor them. Even sadder, how few of our newly elected officials were there. Or NOT there. I couldn't believe the amount of empty seats as I looked around. But what I did notice, were the different reactions; some stood with right hand over their hearts. Some stood, at attention, right hand at brow. Some sat, because they had missing legs, but waved flags. So, rather than notice the missing, I decided to take note of those who were there and why. We were there to honor our Veteran's.

As we headed outside for the parade, Marisa noticed someone handing out flags, so, naturally, she asked for several. They are now decorating our front lawn. It was a small parade, but the first in 10 years here. And when I asked the kids later if they had a better understanding of it, they each gave me their understanding. And then. we. watched. Saving Private Ryan. At first, when Frank mentioned how great it would be for Nicholas to see; "because he'll really understand what Philip's doing!" Me, being the Mommy, let's-wrap-the-kid-in-bubble-wrap-til-he's-21, is thinking, "Not a great idea, dear "(FREAK!) but, he insisted, AND all of the kids ended up watching(me, still feeling the need to over-protect the innocent). But in reality, it gave them an even better understanding than afore-mentioned parade. (whatever) and they really liked the movie. So they both understand, wholly, what Philip is doing, and what Veteran's Day is. Mission accomplished.

And to sweeten the deal, Philip called lastnight! Music to our ears when we can hear his voice now. I let him know we celebrated Veteran's Day, I told him what we all wore, which he thought was just great. He just says how much he wants to come home. We equally want him back. Nicholas tells his class about him, that he is in Iraq, he's a Marine. He is so sweet and so proud of his big brother. I think I will ask his teacher if the class can make him a Christmas card to send; hoping that may cheer him up. I know Nick will get a charge of that. Marisa is planning on asking her youth group leader the same thing. These kids have such a heart for their step-brother. And it's funny - when he was home, he would pester the girls terrible. Just terrible; but mostly in a loving way, you could tell he loved them. He would 'beat' the daylights out of Nicholas, and he'd come back for more. Their pet name for each other is 'magot' - the Marine way. So when Nick got his turn to talk, he called him, "Magot head" the whole time. It was so cute.

And that was how we spent Veteran's Day! NOW, for reasons unknown to myself - I fell asleep lastnight during my show - Desperate Housewives! I MUST FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED! What is wrong with me?????? Please, someone let me know what happened. At least when I fell aslep Thursday during Grey's Anatomy, I was able to watch it on Friday. (ok, I was at a party, and I kept sneaking in the bedroom to watch. Yeah, the kid's room, I actually kicked them out! I know, I'm twisted) So - how was your weekend?

Friday, November 10, 2006

Hats off to our Vets

Veterans that is. Tomorrow, I will take my son to the War Memorial, where they are hosting a ceremony for our nation's veterans. I want him to understand what it is that his brother is fighting for in Iraq. What his Grandfather stood for as an Air Force veteran. What my own Grandfather stood for serving in the Armed Forces. He will wear his Marine cammies and lid, proudly for his brother. He will hold a small American flag, waving it proudly, like every other little boy there. But what will he truly understand? Will he understand the cost of freedom? Probably not - yet. What he does understand is that his brother is a Marine. That he is in a war. But at almost six years old, he has yet to understand what war means.

When Philip called a few days ago, his voice was sullen and far away. He didn't talk about coming home, or howhe misses his family. He is now in a different state of mind. He is seeing death, being shot at. He is living war. Daily. There is nothing we can do for our Philip but pray for him. Pray that he will live. Pray that he will mentally make it through the stressful acts of war he must suffer daily. Pray he comes home whole. He is seeing more today than someone his age sees in these gang wars on the streets. For those wars, are over drugs, and property, stupidity.

For those that live through either of these wars; how are they changed? Are they different in their walk? Does the survivor of the gang shooting, see the stupidity of his ways, and seek change? When our young men and women come home, do they seek change?

Tomorrow is your chance to ask them. Honor them. Salute them. Whether you are for or against the current war, doesn't matter - there are men and women; somebodys husband, wife, father, mother, brother, sister, aunt, uncle, friend - over there, fighting for your freedom. Whether you choose to recognize this or not. Support it or not. They are still there. To show your support, seek a parade or memorial event. Honor a Vet tomorrow. Freedom is never free.

If you'd like to send a care package to a soldier overseas, call 1-800-610-8734, the US Post Office will send you free shipping boxes and packaging tape, to send to a soldier. Call your nearest recruiting office to get an address of a soldier who needs a package. If you'd like Philip's address, contact my email address, and I will gladly give it to you. Write letters of appreciation, have children colors pictures, send Christmas cards. Most of all, let them know you care.

Take your kids to a Veterans Day Parade tomorrow. Thank a Vet. Let them know they really are important to our country.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

15 minutes of FAME

Ok, not so much fame, as maybe, "wow, look at THIS!" So I go to my docs yesterday, I mean, I needed to show him my new shake. I'm not talking Shakira; although, if I keep going at this pace, there is a fairly good chance I may actually GET into shape.

I am seriously shaking, jerking, moving, quite violently at times; all involuntarily. And Frank just looks at me and asks, "Are you ok?" several times. To which I respond, "Couldddn't bbbe betttddter" with a smile. so now he starts to jerk with me. we laugh. Of course, to neither of us, it's really not so funny; but we must laugh at this, too. Where does the anger get us anyway? let's not go there.

As I'm desperately trying to keep my cool in the chair, which is quite stiff and making matters worse for me, I'm feeling every muscle from my right shoulder twinge and scream and writhe with pain, as the left leg is pulling itself up, and yet, I am trying to keep it down. I'm failing. Meanwhile, the monster in my head is getting it's own signal, and the nausea starts, the pain begins to throb on the right side of my head - I see the lady with the frying pan hitting herself - and I feel it hitting mine.. Now I am consumed. First with the twitching I can't stop, and now the pain in my head that is throbbing. Total control. I try so hard to gain some sort of control, breathing slowly and deep. Not working, I feel the chair becomming looser from the floor. I feel as if I'm going to fall backward in it. Quietly, I am talking myself down calmly - telling myself that somehow it's my fault. I'm doing it to myself and I can make it stop - but try as I might, I can't. I absolutely cannot make it stop. And then I feel a hand on my shoulder and I jump and my muscles are in an even higher level of despair.

He asks me to perform a few simple tasks, to which normally would be simple - but I am spastic right now; awkward, I feel like I'm in a body that is no longer my own. AGAIN. And I explain how long this has been happening, sometimes vaguely; but of late, more pronounced. (just get me out of this body that refuses to work! I'm too young for this!) He looks for someone who knows about "this type of problem." Oh no, not another problem! But this person is out.

Enter my 15 minutes of fame! Oh yeah. "I need to get this on tape!" Kidding right! Is what I'm thinking, but no, he's serious. And I understand why. ($100,000 Funniest patient videos!!!!) NOT. So, out comes the video, and away I go - and I couldn't help but laugh. Because, he said something funny; and because Frank was making jerky movements. Yeah, making fun of me. This was just too weird for me, but I did it. I even had my prettty high-step horse prance (minus the whinnie) although I was sooo tempted. Clutching Frank's arm for dear life, up the dreaded hallway ( that always sets me in great neurobarfarama) and then down again. High-steppin and prancing and all. (insert pretty horsey sounds)

A muscle-relaxant later, did make things calm down lst ight. Right now;however, I'm about ready to throw myself off the chair fromt he jerking. I guess time will tell, after a few tests what is going on. Nicholas started laughing at me at lucnh today, little stinker. I just warned him, and said, "careful, THIS could happen o you!" He stopped smiling. So I just started jerking him around and made him laugh.

This should make life interestng: Frank is having a little surgery tomorrow to have the battery changed in his pace maker. I get to drive!

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Shake, Rattle and Writhe

Shaking uncontrolably and looking more and more like a drunk when I walk. My muscles can't stand the pain from the twitching my body has been put through for the past three days. I try desperately to calm myself, but to no avail; my attempts fall short and I become more and more tense. My movements are large and awkward. They are tight and uncontrolled. I jerk and twist and writhe in pain as my muscles are struggling to find - what exactly?? Rest? I see the lights flashing, brighter and brighter each day, as they come. Friday, just a bit dimmer than Saturday; and Sunday like the sunshine, flashing in my peripheral field - bouncing back and forth. There but not. I could see what wasn't there. Today, the hot, cast iron pan hit me as I was walking in my awkward way. In my giant steps, like the pretty show horses, I couldn't hear the people around me any longer, only the sounds of IT coming, like a freight train, fast and furious. BANG! BANGG!! BANNGG!! IT hit me on the side of my head and face, so hard I sttopped moving and I couldn't see for a brief moment, only darkness and the sound of the freight train.

And then I twitch, and writhe some more. IT doesn't visit me only in my head anymore; IT has branched out further. I am being invaded by this Migraine I thought was to stay "in my head." IT is taking over me now. As I try desperately to write this, I am being tormented by the twitching of my muscles; the jerking movement, the unsteadiness I cannot control. I wonder, what will I lose control of next?

I wonder if there are anymore who have experienced this? I'm noticing it's worse if I hang my head down. Like when I'd look down, bend down, that used to get me dizzy, now I get THIS. I've morphed - wooo. Rather, it's morphing into something new and different, and I hate it. Dizzy wasn't as painful. I need to know if anyone else has had this 'wonderful' experience'. Hey, come along for the ride. Enogh for tonight.

Saturday, November 04, 2006

How to Grow Socks - 101

Not for the light-hearted. Due to the content of this here post, any and all persons with non-humor, sick stomachs, or ill minds; please click on back arrow and leave said post immediately. Please keep hands in at all times, remain seated and for the love of all persons with migraines around you, NO SCREAMING!

To my husband, children, dog, doctors, friends and guests who must enter my home, or basically anyone; and I mean ANYONE, who must endure the unfortunate mishap of reaching my parts, below the hip, above the ankle; from now until May 1, 2007; I hereby withdraw my participation in SHAVING of said legs due to unfortunate discontinuation of warmth in these here parts in and around my living conditions. I have decided, therefore, to grow instead, for purposes to maintain my own heating status, SOCKS, for my own comfort. I refuse to lather the wonderful aroma of shaving gel to said legs, and apply machete to my attributes for this time, as not to gouge, disarray, or cause unknown wear and tear to my new socks for this time trial. If you, in any way, see this as offensive, (I love you Frank, that you think it's sexy to grow socks - you weirdo), bite me, I mean, just you try this experiment yourself. I believe this may contribute to lower heating costs, insulation (pants, socks - you get the point), and basically, less soap and blades. No, I'm not feeling lazy. I hate being COLD! You hate the cold - so I say, we should all grow socks.

Anyone slightly interested, simply hang up your machete on your man's mantle, copy and paste this document to him. Sign. Simple as that. And then, just grow yourself what God intended you to have for winter; one extra piece of insulation - handgrown wooly socks. Don't forget to send pics of socks before the big shave off.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Friday Fun!!

Deal with me, this is what I'm calling it, it's my blog, all mine. I borrowed this from and I had to put all here:

The Office Game. Spice up your office with The Office Game -- pick two or three colleagues and agree to play The Office Game which awards points as follows:


Run one lap around the office at top speed.
Walk sideways to the photocopier.

Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.

When they're not looking, pour most of someone's fresh cup of coffee into your mug leaving them with an inch of brew.

Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.

Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."

To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.

While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.


Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it." - Double points if you do this to a manager.

Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.

Shout random numbers while someone is counting.


At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).

Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'.

Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two".

After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.

While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.

In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, all of you just shut up!"

In a colleague's diary, write in 10 am: "See how I look in tights".

Carry your laptop over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"

Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now"

Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it"

Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc.) during a very important conference call.

Tuck one pant leg into your sock and when queried, answer, "not now" and walk away.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Yes, I am out! Out of my mind, my gourd, out on disability. Why? You ask; well, because I DO participate with random acts of well, this type of humor and witt. I am (now I am hearing my friend Cesar) the, I am The Humor Whisperer! I rehabilitate idiots, I train the repressed!

Lastnight while at the ATM, I jumped for joy as it graciously handed me my winning jackpot! I also yelled, "I won! I won!" Oh, the faces of the confused on-lookers, wondering if I had a screw loose, or if I was unsure of what I was doing. The lady behind the counter stopped eating her dinner to see what I had won. She watched me in amazement - I, afterall, was thrilled to be winning the jackpot, running to the door with my prize! I wonder what she was left wondering. Did she go to the machine to see if she, too could win????

Yes, I am "out" - there. Ask anyone that knows me. Better yet. Go back a few posts, if you dare. I am out on disability; could it be because of Migraine Disease? Yes! Or, because I am depraved of a few normal brain cells? I'll never tell. Like Jack said, "I'm riding on Good Humor." or something like that. So if you have a bit of fun left in yourself, go for the big points, if not, at least try for a one-pointer - PLEASE!!!!! Let me know how it goes. Have fun.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

So I Woke Up On Grey Street

I did; and if you don't know where that is, I suggest you go get yourself some DMB! That is exactly where I woke up, and I'm thinking it could be, perhaps - NO, definitely - y e a h, definitely because of the slight lapse in dosage of my latest little flip of the med-change. So do I stay on this current wave of fun, or go back??? Stubborn, as I am. Oh, I am stubborn - stupidly stubborn; a huge portion of me, wants to be, dare I dream, drug-free. for what really? Mostly the unknown and for all intense purposes I suppose, for me, the unthinkable side-effects these drugs have had on my body of late and what they may or may not hold in the future. Because, who really knows what the combination of these drugs carries?

Ok, so that sounds like rambling. Back to Grey Street: At around 4am, thank you very much (NOT), in my, oh what and exactly where do we "see" IT really? The aura appeared. Quite beautiful I must add, looking like the scene of the old game, Centipede, the way IT was swirling IT's way through the maze of nothingness in my mind, or eyes or wherever IT was. IT had millions, seemed, of leg-like swirls with ITself, moving along, around and around, and I of course, was in my usual stupified 'awe' until I realized, much later naturally what was happening.

My aura are not like the typical aura that I read about. I read how most Migraine appear within 30 to 60 minutes after aura. This is not the case with me. I am NOT, in any way, shape or form - t y p i c a l. My aura comes, and when I am thinking perhaps it may not come at all, or I have forgotten about it happening entirely, about 6-8 hours later, BAM, I am suddenly nailed with it.

Now, yesterday, I had the subtle (yeah, right) needle-to-the ear pain I get that sometimes precedes these little attacks. Could this have been a precurser? Should I have been forwarned, or should I have known??? What is wrong with me? I mean, for crying out loud! I really ought to know by now - my own state of being when IT is coming. right? yeaaaaah. Getting back to the pretty, swirling centipede of my aura now; as IT was moving ITself along, the colors were flashing from
red to grey with each curl of the body. I know that doesn't make much sense, but there was sound, too. "Buzzz zzipp zzzzz" almost like the sounds my son makes when he's playing with his laser toys. I read an interesting article this morning here that I think anyone with Migraine, whether having aura or not should read. anyway . where was I??
confused now.

Ah yes, the confusion is now setting in with the nausea. Oh, and the chills. Isn't having Migraine Disease a little like having the stomach bug? Only on a much "grandeur" scale, if you know what I mean. I've been off of Topamax since April, and yet, for the life of me, I can't seem to get my hands warm for NOTHING!! What gives with that?! I thought, maybe, just maybe that was a nagging side effect I was going to shake! Not so lucky.

GOOD NEWS!!!!!! Evita is playing on HOD - ciao! Time to go watch Antonio, sit with the kids, make some cocoa - we do love musicals. AAAAhhhhh - Antonio. Now there's an abortive I can live with. Do you think Melanie would mind?? I know Frank won't mind, they can share cigars. But I think Melanie might have a problem here!

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

getting my ghouls ready

I'm getting my little ghouls ready for their big event. A night on the howl. The little "Toast Man" is properly buttered and ready. He even found himself a proper little prop for his treats; a makeshift toaster. He thought it up himself - I'm so proud of him. I just need to cover it with foil to give it the special effect. He is so excited!

Christina -a/k/a The Cat Mawler, is going to be a Wealthy Woman. Complete with my retro Jackie-O coat, and with the help of Miss Amy, AGAIN, and her ball gown, she'll be dressed to the nines. Thank you, Amy, very much.

Then we have Marisa, my Cinderisa, she is a Hula girl. Although she isn't going to be going door-to-door, she is handing out candy. Why not dress up? She looks beautiful. Grass skirt, garland, NO, there are no coconut bras with this enterage! She has a t-shirt. From my Grandma, that simply says, "Beach Bum" and I forgot to mention that Christina will be donning Grandma's bling-bling also. When Gram died, I inherited all of her jewelry. It is all so very very wonderful to my girls and I. It is only of sentimental worth, and nothing monetary. But we love it. Marisa wears a piece to school on a daily basis. She remembers my Grandma, and this is probably the reason she still wears it. I am just greatful she does.

Then we have the beloved Idiot, I mean, Rocco; the dog, he is going to be Shrek. Yes, he gets to Trick-or-Treating. But only for a little while. I'm not really sure how long he can behave. I just can't wait to get the pics on here! We are thinking of painting his nails green, as we can't really do too much with his fur, well, what he has of fur. I don't want HIM green, so I think the nails will suffice.

The cats: I had thought about "Puss-in-Boots" from the movie, but I was stuck on which cat for the job, I don't have the actual boots for the job, I do have a cape, though. Do we really NEED to dress the cats??

Now, do I have a costume? NO. I do not have a costume. I usually do dress for it with the kids, but I haven't really thought that far into it this year. I mean, the toast thing threw me. Only this morning, I was actually thinking of better ways I could have made the costume - naturally. Isn't that always the way. Hindsight, I just hate hindsight. I also right now, hate the fact that tomorrow is November. Sounds so cold. Ok, done with the hating. Look, I figured out the paragraph thing.

I have also figured out, I think, that is, how to get my comments posted on my blog. I think I am totally inept in the computer age. While I am desperately trying to learn, I am losing vast capabilities of my brain matter, losing bits and pieces of information as it's coming in - it's quickly just going out, just. like. that! POOF! Gone. Do I continue to try to learn? duh, yeah. I mean, why not, right. The challenge is, if anything, what - challenging!!!!!!! It has to do something, right.

This is funny: When talking with my doctor just a few days ago, I'm thinking I can just, you know, get off of some of the many drugs I'm taking - I don't know, call me crazy! One of them, Namenda, is used for folks, mostly those who are in moderate to severe stages of Alzheimer. Ok, I'm NOT in that category, just for the record. That's not to say, I haven't been there if you know what I mean. hey, anyone with Migraine knows exactly what I'm talking about. However, it is also used for us with chronic and severe Migraine, and it seems to work well. But, me, well, I'm thinking, lets get off, or at the very least down on some meds. The PA had suggested the Namenda. I agreed. But my doctor, in whom I trust, disagreed. Ok, no problem. Here is the funny part - later that evening, at Terri's house, mid-sentence, I just up and forget whatever I was trying to say to her! Just like that! And she says, "And you still think the Namenda was a good choice to go off of?" Point well taken! To which we of course laughed. You've gotta have friends.
Honest friends are best. Especially if you can handle it. Superficial friends are not really friends at all. they are just there for looks. Who needs that? Right now, I need to go finish a toaster. Please have a safe evening.

Monday, October 30, 2006

How to Maintain to speak, ahem

I received this in my email this morning, and after forwarding it to way too many who, I felt needed a good hearty laugh, I thought I'd add it here, to my little world of blog. Where nobody really ventures to do too much really. Comiserate maybe, check up on my daily to do. But I really felt the need to add this because, well, you'll see. I couldn't stop laughing, and I laughed the first time it came around. I rely on good, fun humor to get me through most days. At parties, I'm usually the guest with my pockets full of fake flies and such, ready to spike your drink when you're not looking; hide in the backgroud, to see your face later. I have NEVER said I'm remotely normal in any way, shape or form. I have a twisted, defunct brain. Just look at my blog title for crying out loud. I am NOT a normal, decent human being. But I am fun. Fun. FUN!! Somewhere in the back of my head, I am hearing the tune to, "They're Coming to Take Me Away!" So back to the email I received; I am going to try some of these - really. For those who know me, which do you think I'm up for?? I'm also thinking of adding to the list. I should check our 'funny file' and see what Frank has in there! Here goes, contain yourself: ............................................................. 20 WAYS to MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY. 1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down. 2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice. No smiling, laughing. BBe serious. 3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that. 4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "In." 5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. (putting myself back on chair, sorry.) 6. In the memo field of all your checks, write, "For smuggling diamonds" or "personal acts" or better yet "invitation only" (it has YOU guessing, doesn't it!) 7. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy." 8 dont use any punctuation for any reason at all and remain completely monotone even in exciting situations 9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk. 10. Order diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face, and be insistent! 11. Specify that your drive-hrough order is "to-go." 12. Sing along at the opera. Loudly. Off-key. 13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme. 14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day. 15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood. 16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name: Rock Bottom. 17. When the money comes out of the ATM, jump and scream, "I WON, I WON!" 18. (oh yeah) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!!" (have children in tow, this will add to the effect!) 19. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go." (I can't WAIT til dinner) 20. And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity....Send this to someone to make them smile........ I hate hate HATE that I can't break for paragraphs!!!!!! Anyway, today my little guy has his party at school; we need to spruce up his costume a little. Add some swirl to his cinammon. I am looking forward to the party!!! All those cute unsuspecting little monsters. Time to go find my flies and spiders. Frank was just asking me if I still had that fake doggie doo the other day. I think it's time to go shopping for more gags. We do lead a sick life. Funny, we haven't received any invitations in a while.......hmmmm. I'm not opposed to barging in. WAIT!!!!! I remember, there IS a party coming up!!! Something to look forward to. I wonder if they'll be serving, say.....Bloody Mary's????????? (kite twine, 3 inches in the bottom of each glass) Like I said, I'm NOT normal. Have healthy, sane day! Deborah

Saturday, October 28, 2006

The Monster Mash

It was a Graveyard Smash! Ahh ha hahahah. Whatever. If I only had a digital CAMERA!!!! Way too cute for words; oh can I just say, there were more Power Rangers than I have fingers and toes combined. And Spidey - yeah, lot's of him, too. I really don't understand why parents think it's "cute" to dress their kids as knife-weilding (is that correct??) maniacs in the crazy messed-up society that we live in; but there were more children dressed as villainous "Freddy Kruger's" than those dressed as say, Strawberry Shortcake, or Dopey or anything sweet, like this very yummy little guy I saw dressed like a piece oF CINAMMON TOAST!!! Oh, and he was the only ONLY piece of toast there. Awkward as it was to carry around, it was cute and admirable at best. He had a few that wanted to take a bite. Overall, a very fun night. A friend of Christina's was dressed as Marilyn Monroe - she looked great! There were a few of the Cheetah Girls on hand, none would sing, though. Lots of pirates - I'm sure because of the famous movie that came out this past summer. so many many cute little ghouls and boys. Two little girls from Nick's class came up to him, stopped dead in their tracks and said, in their sweetest of sweet voices, "Hi Nicholassssss!:)" Batting their eyelashes and all. He just gave his typical grump of a hello and ignored them. He's so not into litle girls. (and that is ok by me right now) He is only 5 YEARS OLD! But they were so cute. One of our favorites was the Phantom of the Opera - we love musicals here, and we can watch that one over and over again and again. The kids haven't seen it live yet, but if it ever comes here again, we're taking them! They love love LOVE the movie. And Nick loves the CD. This little guy even had a rose! (in costume. at the dance.) . . . . Anyway, I'm not sure if it's a blogger problem or a problem with MY computer, but I'm unable to make a break in paragraphs. I'm going to rely on things like this . . . . . . . . to do the trick. . . . . . . This morning in church, I had another strange episode. Along the lines of the twitching and muscle spasing kind of strange. I had a migraine nail me again lastnight, which is normal for me, being the daily kind of girl that I am. but I was doing ok this morning. Until I got in church. There is something about the auditorium that my brain chemistry is strictly against. My balance seems to go off, my pain level seems to go up; everything migraine in me seems to raise. I sat down, feeling ok, and my left thigh started the twitching. Then the pain from he back of my head, slowly making it's way to the front of my eye came on. The twitching was making the rounds to my spinal column, up my back, shaking me, out my arms, and finally got ahold of my head and slammed it into the back wall, where it let out a loud, "BOOM" for all to hear. That just added to the pain level. I had to get up to pee, and unfortunately, my gait, was unsteady at best. I looked like one of those beautiful show horses at the equestrian, prancing her way to the potty. But, show horse, I'm not. The uneven floor, not seeming to stop, nor the wall, and I'm trying to just concentrate on making my "steady" strides to the potty before I , a: fall, or b: pee on the spot! I can only imagine how I look, as I am 'walking' toward people, as I try not to fall into their laps, holding their chairs, or their arms as I brush by them. I'm not really concerned about their thoughts of me, I just smile, as I prance by, lifting my legs too high to just walk. But my gait is unsteady, and I know this. But I can't control it. . . . . My friend, Terri and I just laugh and joke that it's my payback for the times I tell Lexi to "step" when she doesn't need to, like on a yellow line, or at a ramp. And she will make a giant step like I do now. And our gaits look alike. Terri will say to me, "step, step" like I say to Lexi, and we'll crack up laughing. Someone that doesn't know that we can laugh at my , wow, this is the first time I've said this, DISABILITY, they just look at her in a mean way, not understanding why WE are laughing. Why shouldn't we laugh? Should we be upset? We've already been there. We've already cried about the losses. It's time now to be thankful for what is here NOW. Or when Frank and I laugh at my spasing and stuttering at the words I cn't get out. We do laugh. Sometimes it is very frustrating, yes. But mostly, we have to laugh, because we have much more to be thankful for. I am thankful that I have spent more time home than in the hospital this past year. I couldn't say that last year. Last year, there were many more tears. This year, there are more smiles. There are a lot of migraines, a lot of muscle twitches, and stuttering, and ugliness; but I have much to be greatful for - I have my family. My husband, my 4 beautiful, wonderful children, 2 great and beautiful step-children, and a gorgeous step-grand daughter! I have a sister and her husband and 2 kids and wacko dog, who are always here for me! I have wonderful, wonderful friends. I have my Lord and Savior!!! I have so much more to be happy for, than to be miserable for. My father used to tell me, "Misery loves company," he was right, I don't need that kind of company. Neither do you. Wishing you all pain-free days. Deborah

Friday, October 27, 2006


Ok, so tonight, at my son's school - elementary - they are hosting the "Family Halloween Dance!" All are excited. First, he was going to be the Red Power Ranger, then it was icky Spider Man, - been done already. So at breakfast a few days ago, he decided, that everyone is going to be a Power Ranger or Batman or Spidey, he wanted to be different. Good for you, Nick! As it is, I enjoy making costumes for my kids, rather than the store-bought, all-look-like-the-other-ghoulish-crappy-costumed-kid; I was proud of my son. So we were on a mission of thought, what could he be that no other kid in his class, OR the school would be tonight at the the dance? Well, I suggested that probably nobody would be a bowl of cereal - he just giggled. "How about a glass of juice? Or a container of juice? We could make it out of cardboard and even use pipe for a straw!" He didn't take me serious. Then I suggested, TOAST, and he was settled. "YEAH! That's what I want to be! Nobody else will be toast, MOM!" So for Halloween, my Nicholas will be the best dressed piece of cinamon toast at the Halloween Dance tonight. If. It. KILLS. ME!! It may. But he's worth it. I went into the grocery store a few nights ago, for a few items; he was in the van with Frank. I found the manager, and explained my situation, telling him I needed 2 large, flat pieces of cardboard - 1 for the front of him, and 1 for the back. This guy was totally jazzed! He came out with, what I saw as total toast for my son, and when Nick saw me come out of the store with it - he knew exactly what it was for. The smile on this childs face was just too incredible for words. Oh, I will sooo be adding the pics when I get them. I'm not digital yet, although Santa baby DOES have my wish list. { THAT is on the top, the middle and the bottom. (If I don't get my digital camera, I'm killing his damn reindeer!) I know where he lives. } Right, back to the other toast! I can't wait to see how it turns out, as I haven't exactly gotten to it yet. I'm not entirely worried about it, I mean, how hard can toast be? Well, I'll tell ya, as I had to go and make the stupid, I mean cute thing!! To answer THAT question - my former "3" migraine is now a raging 7, thank you very much freaking toast. But he will look adorable. Minus the back of the costume for right now. As I can't feel my lower extremities at the moment. Only the drummers drumming in my skull at the frontal lobes behind the balls staring at the colors in my monitor. Or are they colors in the new sparkles of aura I'm seeing? That's just great! Whatever. That would be from the leaning over for an hour and a half thing I just did. I suppose that is where the nausea fits in, too. Oh what a wonderful eventful life I do lead. Fun fun fun. I am still going to the dance. He asked me what I was going as. Take a wild guess. I am going as a MIGRAINE. Now wouldn't that just be hilarious. Ok, everyone send me your best pics of halloween migraine dressup!!!! The outsiders won't get it. We'll host our own party, see. I'll be "aura" of one kind or another, the many I see anyway. OOOOOH, I saw a weird one lastnight - (yeah try to stay with me here, the ramblings are just awful, I know, you should be INSIDE my head!!!!! HA) Anyway, driving along, and I come to an intersection, and it comes from the right, real fast from my peripheral vision, (which, by the way, I don't HAVE!) this rapid beam of light, I wasn't sure if it was a car coming real fast; like, I'm approaching the intersection now, stop, go, what do I do? So I slow down, waiting and watching for it, looking at the car that is stopped and I don't see anything, and then WHAM it hits me in the side of the head. And of course, Frank notices it, "What, you get hit?" "yep, weird, flash of light kind of thing I've never seen before." Oh, and it had sound, too. Like Zzzip. Not immediate with the pain, but maybe 15 seconds before. Ok, ok, back to the toast!!!!!!! Ugh, concentrate. Needing a Zofran right about NOW! I'm thinking, does he NEED the back piece or will he look like a sandwich??? Nah, he's toast, not a sandwich; otherwise, it's just overkill, and it'll be too heavy and I'll just look like an over-achiever. We don't want that! So what to use for a treat bag??? I'm thinking toaster! Too much, right. Maybe a recycled box of cereal? Or will that just look like we live out of the dumpster? Can't have that now can we! What will the PTO think? Like I care! Trust me, I can handle it.When he was Scooby Do, I gave him box and wrote "Scooby Snacks" on it, I'm not opposed to this kind of thing. Think DEB!!! Ok, Nap time. Promise to post pics later. My tummy feels icky, and my head is following. ciao

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Uh oh

Waking to a little nausea and more pain than usual. Oh what to do??? Rain, rain go away.....! I used to love the Fall. I still love the colors and the smells of the falling leaves; it's the wet and cold, and the coming of the frigid winter that doesn't seem to end here in the Northeast that I resent. It lasts too l o n g here! And I just haven't been able to get warm. I think I will light a fire today, and just sit in front of it, curl up under a blankie and wish my Migraine away. Yeah - that will certainly work for me. I want to move to a warmer climate. But that's not really possible. So I will just succumb to my fireplace in my former family room, where it is nice and dark, and where it will be warm. I will light a fire, make myself a cup of tea and curl up on the couch; perhaps with a new book. I just finished reading a rather gruesome book my sister gave me, that I couldn't put down. It's called, "The Doctor's Wife" by Elizabeth Brundage. Very good, I must say, but very sick! Twisted. Check it out. Ok, I got nothin today. Nothing but another migraine. Stink!

Monday, October 23, 2006

Stay or Go?

Yes, the times certainly are changing; as I look around me, everywhere I go, it seems so different. People are in such a hurry to go to where they are going. When I need to pull into my driveway, I am either beeped at, or flickered at with headlights. They rush around my car, eager to get by, why should they wait?? They must, MUST get to wherever they are going. And I am simply holding them up. How dare I. And dare I need to get OUT of my driveway; well, now I am simply an annoyance, they speed up, to let me know, it's not allowed, or beep at me, to tell me they are coming. This on a 35 mile per hour, residential street. Yes, it is a busy one; there is a park across the way. An elderly residential home is only 1/8th of a mile from my home. People walk their dogs, run, ride bikes on this street everyday, all day. But the drivers that take this route are unaware and could care less. I wonder, if they are as concerned in their own neighborhoods, of the same type of careless drivers. I've often wondered what it would be like to follow some of these drivers to their own homes and ask them. But in today's age, that is simply not done. Road rage, violence, guns and crime are against me now. I just pull into my driveway, or pull out, taking a chance, that it's ok. I'm not in a particularly dangerous neighborhood either. That's not to say that someone that is irritated with my needing to get in or out is going to be irritated with me anyway. It happens everyday. When my son's bus comes in the afternoon to pick him up, and the red lights come on to stop traffic, at lunch time no less, I'm a bit anxious, because the bus actually gets beeped at! And I'm actually hurrying my little guy along, because I'm fearful of people. I don't show it outwardly, but inside, my stomach is turning. What is the big hurry?? In traffic, it's funny, I see people in their ridiculous Hummers speeding past me, or their SUVs, racing to get to the red light ahead of me. Go ahead, waste your gas, idiot! We just sit next to each other. He gets 7-12 miles to the gallon, as I get 20-25. I smile, thinking, "you fool, are you able to make those ridiculous payments, AND fill your tank each week the way you drive?" And then I sit a few seconds to watch him take off at the green again, only to meet him at the next red. Fool. Yeah, he showed me. My step-son is in a Hummer, in Iraq, a vehical, using it for what it was intended. Amazing. Not a "status" symbol. Not raking our fuel economy a little more. But using it for what. it. was. in ten ded. Unfortunately. But it's being used for it's intention anyway. Today, I will take my chances and go to the Post Office to mail him a package. I guess I'm taking my chances in many ways nowadays aren't I. Post Office, my street. But that's is on my list for today; to drive out of my dangerous driveway and race to the Post Office. No, I don't have a Hemi, nor do I want one. Gas is way too overpriced, especially in NY - thanks to our gvt. Hey, it's election time, hmmm, I only wonder what that will bring???? ..................We had Lexi's party on Saturday, she is so sweet. It was at her house with the girls there,Frank and my kids, Aunt Terri and Amy, Aunt Jamie, Alyssa, Aiden, and then Frank's parents came. But of course, my own didn't even show up. I wasn't expecting them to really. I knew they wouldn't, that's pretty normal for them - not to be there for me and my kids. They weren't there for Christina's party either. There comes a time when you just need to cut ties. Or do you. Because I never really know what to do. The Bible tells me to respect them, which is very hard. They are a very judgemental and cold people to be around. The racial comments are a constant knock that I don't want to hear. Always present. Like a battering ram. I don't expect them to be with me when I need them; they never have been. Not when I've been sick, in the hospital. They weren't here for my husband or my kids. So am I to remain loyal? I really just don't know. When favoritism is thrown in your face, over and over, time and again through the years; to you put up with it, or walk away?I would desperately love some feedback here. I believe in some ways, they are ignorant to it. And then, I think they enjoy it. The criticism and rejection. As a parent, I don't understand the favoritism of one child, or two in this case over two others. And in the case of grandchildren, how mine are just, left out. They have become somewhat hardened to them, as I have. I'm not sure if they feel hurt anymore. I don't belive they do. More anger, especially since I've been ill; and they've seen the absence of them in my life. They were constantly asking why "they" weren't coming to the hospital or the house. I couldn't answer for them, I simply told them to ask "them." But they didn't even want to talk to them. Marisa did ask why they weren't at Lexi's party. They said they had the days confused. Except the party was on her birthday, making it easy not to be confused. But that's ok, really. Because the people that really mattered were there. The people that wanted to be there, were there. And those that chose NOT to be there, simply did just that. And really, that IS ok too. So, do I walk away? Respectfully.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Happy Birthday, Lexi

Today is my daughter, Alexa's 18th birthday! I cannot believe it as I write this! It's amazing how she has grown. I blogged about Miss Lexi awhile back, her milestones and all; and if this is maybe your first time around the blog, welcome, and thanks for dropping by. Grab a balloon, a piece of cake and sit back and relax - and please celebrate with us. For Lexi is indeed someone to celebrate. The purple is for her love of Barney! The obnoxious dinosaur as we've come to hate over the years. But she still loves him. She has too many Barney's to count in her room. Her room is a lovely yellow, which is her favorite color. It's also the color of one of her favorite foods: CHEESE. She loves cheese, and will just pack it in. Oh, the picture at the top is from her first birthday party, and the very first time she sat, unattended. She did fall flat on her face shortly after the picture was taken, which she did for about 6 months after, but it was the first time she did it alone. She did get a lot of toys, didn't she! I just can't get over her everytime I see her. Lexi lives in a group home, with 4 other girls who are not unlike herself. And she is quite happy there. It is a blessing, this home. The other girls are wonderful, too. They get excited when the kids, Frank and I are there. We have become an extension of family for them. One girl, B, comes with us for holidays, and she is Lexi's best friend. I used to dread her birthday when she was little and I was much younger, because I was reminded of what "should have been." It was such a hard time for me, I suppose I made it a hard time for myself without realizing it. I was thrilled with Amy's milestones, and my neices, of course; and when Alexa made her own, it was so exciting. But still, there was a sense of my own guilt and wonderment, of who she could have been. Thankfully, I don't visit those places anymore. On occassion, someone will ask, "Do you ever wonder what Alexa would be like if...." and well, yeah, of course! I think every Mom out there does about every child. But it's different now for me. I have peace with her disability. God placed her in my life, in our lives, because she needed us; and I suppose He knew we needed her as well. I watched this beautiful child struggle in PT as an infant and later a toddler, learning to roll, and sit and hold her head up. She needed to be taught these basic skills; we were told she'd never learn them, never DO them. She did. And then she'd drag herself from room to room on her belly - she was determined to get around, persistent. Eventually, she learned to get her bottom off the floor, it would sway, she'd roll over, but she wouldn't get frustrated, she'd just keep trying. She was so amazing. And she eventually learned to crawl. At around age 3, she was moving on her feet with the help of a walker with wheels, and there was no stopping this litle girl. She was fearless and fast! And the smile she had, it was truly amazing to watch her go. We were told she would never walk, or talk. But she did, by the time she was 5, she was going strong, no more walker. Sure, she'd fall on her knees when she'd go to fast; sometimes she'd just run on her knees, which she'd been doing for 2 years. I'd made her knee pads to save her knees from the constant bruising and scraping she was getting; she was relentless. She'd get back up and walk again - no complaining, just smiles, big and wide. Marisa helps out at school with the special kids now; in Alexa's former class at her school. She used to help at the middle school, and now she's helping at the jr high. She loves it, she has such a big heart for these children, and they adore her. She's hurt when other kids, the so-called "normal" ones, make fun of them; she usually snaps at them, the way only Marisa can. Good for her. I'm proud of her; I just hope she is remembering her manners, and not acting like them. We're planning a party for Lexi for Saturday; the kids are going to make little gifts for the girls and help with other favors. They love going to Lexi's house for the party. Equally, the girls love having them there. I still can't believe I have an 18 year old! I think I was just 18 years old not too long ago. Where does the time go? Wishing all pain-free days. deborah

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Hmmmmmm, Do I have a headache???

Well, I've made it into Thursday, No OR, thank you very much. Alas, the migraines, they never fail to leave my side, or my top, at the very least. They are forever present. And I'm constantly asked how I'm feeling, if I have a headache. YES!!! Hard to grasp, I know, trust me, really, I do know, but it's true, so unfortunately stinking true - but yes, it is daily there. Not just once in a blue-moon daily, but the everyday kind of DAILY. I'm not so sure why people don't understand that concept. Let me sum it up this way - did you wake up with your nose on your face this morning? Can you see it there in the mirror? There it is. Now go to bed, sleep, maybe it won't be there tomorrow. Now, wake up, is it still there? Of course it is!!!! There is NO difference really. Well, maybe a little difference. You see, I can see your nose. You can see your nose; and perhaps it really causes you no chronic pain most days, right? OK. Yes, I am a sarcastic b*tch, but there is a point that I need to make here. Alright, when you have that nagging sinus infection or cold virus that goes around, we all comiserate with you; your nose certainly suffers. I will only use Puffs Plus for that occassion; HOWEVER, this is not that time. Today, your nose is on your FACE! You woke up with it, chances are, tomorrow you will wake up with it, and so on and so forth. Here is the difference, minus the mood, for those of us who suffer in silence (or not) with chronic pain, most of it is just this . Exactly! Invisible. YOU can't see my pain. I can't see my pain. My doctor can't see my pain. I can, however; see it before it comes - in the most beautiful vibrant of colors. I can hear it in the sounds it makes; the piercing, whirling sounds just before it touches the inside of my skull. I can even taste it. And it does so much more before the pain actually gets me all at once. It is just so stimulating! This is not excitement I'm giving you, merely an explanation of things to come, just before the crash. There is the tingle that starts on my tongue, like a numbing. And the metal taste. The dizzy feeling that comes on. But always, always, always there is pain; yes, I have a headache. Baseline everyday. Please don't keep asking, for it is ever present. Just like your nose. Sometimes it gets worse, most times, yes I guess it does. And I find myself appologizing to everyone around me. Again. Because I must turn you down, or let you down. And again I'm stuck with the guilt of that. Again. And again. And again. Please stop adding to my guilt. Really, it's unnecessary. I know that you, too suffer for me. But in reality - I am the ONE who is living with this hideous ugly pain CONSTANTLY. If you love someone who has Migraines, and is currently experiencing one, be very curteous in this way; be QUIET! You really have NO idea how painful sound is when nerves inside your skull are exposed to the extremety of our pain threshold. You don't. If you have ever had your most painful experience, EVER, magnify it, again, and again and again and again and then bang your head against the wall a few times, while shining a flashlight, a Mag-style (police) flashlight in your eyes. Play some loud bass at the same time. Swallow mustard and water. Now spin and try holding that down. This will make you want to vomit, it gives you the effect of severe nausea. Keep banging your head, you have no aura with this migraine, and yours is being brought on by YOU. Imagine that. Please don't ever say something like, "Are you trying to give yourself a headache?!" Even joking, because that's so not funny to someone who usually doesn't go a few days without. For the next few days, lay off foods you used to love - they will trigger your next Migraine. Check out the lists on the sites listed at the left, I'm sure you'll be hungry, but whatever. Maybe you'll be headache free. At least I won't ask you if you have a headache! If a guy loses his leg from a car accident, goes to rehab and learns how to use a prosthesis and walk again - do we later ask him this question: "Hey, is your leg still gone?" Of course not! Sounds stupid right. Duh. And, so a person with, say Diabetes probably isn't asked these questions on a daily basis; "Are you still Diabetic?" "Still taking Insulin for that Diabetes?" I remember when I was pregnant for my children, some ignoramouses were actually stupid enough to actually ask me this, "You still carrying that baby?" Me, being the sarcastic kind of person I am, always had a smart answer right away, "Nope, I'm carrying someone else's baby this time!" Or, "I thought I'd try hump-back whale this trimester!" Whoda thunk? So my answer to you is this; "I no longer have headaches! I have been cured! It's amazing really, I just thought one day, I think I'll just read some Dr. Seuss, think happy thoughts and cure myself. And now I'm all better. I gve all of my medicine to my kids to sell at school; and boy did they make a great profit! We're going to Disney!! It sure is good to be well!" Ok that's not true. But wouldn't that be fun. Well, not the part about the kids selling the drugs. So, I'm moody this week, with a freaking migraine - what's new? I'm sick of looking at a messy house wondering when I'm going to have the energy to clean it! Or better yet, IF I'll ever have any energy. And is it really important, really? Probably not, but to me, it is. There is that compulsive side of me that get let it go, that won't let it go. Ok, time for tea and a blanket. hope you all have a pain-free day. Thanks for letting me rant.