Thursday, December 07, 2006

The Total Sum of Moi

Well, for starters, let's just say this: it's all my parent's fault! And you can ask my sister, you know, the one with the cutie pie a few dozen posts back - because she, too, is blaming them!

While Frank was looking at the stupid pamphlets on Parkinson's Disease (NOT -thankyouverymuch!!!!) I'm just a nervous wreck, jerking away, waiting for THE doctor to come in; the one who specializes in "movement disorders" - that is what I was there for. I'm just saying to him, as I'm making the chair move from the wall with the stupid JERKING THAT WON'T STOP "there's nothing wrong, the MRI came out normal, yet again, so I'm just normal. I have huge freaking weird Migraines, but I'm normal. Get it?"

Frank, reading stupid pamphlet, "yep, you do this, and this, WOW, and THIS!" Basically, he's ignoring me.

In walks THE doc, very nice, by the way. Does his thing for however long. Questions and more stupid questions. And says this: "I believe a person with chronic pain, such as yours, can have very deep psychological problems, that we cannot perceive or help you with. BUT, (my favorite word) there is a place that does specialize in this area with sever chronic patients, such as yourself"

Me, feeling like a total and complete loser, gee, why is that exactly???? Say something like, "So I'm just a basic lunatic with unmanageable migraines, that make my body do weird stuff. So, I'm nuts? Is that what you're telling me?"

But, no, he reassured me, that not only am I not nuts or a lunatic; but it's because of the chronic migraines that my body is resorting to this new and improved way of life . AND - yeah, this is where my parents fit in, don't they just always; " there may be some deep issues of unresolved health reasons we don't know of to get to, and this would be the place to help."

Frank: "you mean, because her father always said she wouldn't amount to anything, and didn't take her illnesses serious; he always did say she was making herself sick, is that why?"

Right about now, I'm looking to just run out the door, but I can't seem to get my head out of my ass!

But THE doctor did, yet again, reassure me, that I'm not NOT crazy. (Yeah, that made me feel so much better), and said it is an unfortunate part of chronic pain that our bodies put us through. OH, and we'll just do a few more tests to rule out this and that and really, you're still not crazy. "And have a vonderful holiday. "

Ok, for the record; I didn't go in looking for a problem. I'm extremely happy I don't have anything else at this point. But in truth, I feel like not only did I waste his time, my husband's time from work, but MY time! AGAIN! Pain just freaking sucks. And now, it's doing something really freaking weird to me; apparently, it does happen to others. Poor souls. I'm so not interested in going to ANOTHER hospital, away from my family, because of this stupid disease called MIGRAINE! I just doesn't end. It morphs.

I called my sister to tell her all of this, this morning; and at first we laughed, because we comiserated about the crap we had to deal with when we were sick; the stupid things he would say. Not a loving environment to be brougt up in. I'm sure they believe it was, as they refuse to see their ignorance. I'm thankful that I can have her to talk with and verify. It's very sad, though. She is 12 years younger than I, so I always looked at her as my baby sister. When she was born, her and her twin brother my brother; it was like getting a love gift. I finally had someone I could love, unconditionally, that would love me back. What a unique experience they were for me.

I was in my senior year of high school when I left home; she was 5. I was more sad about leaving the twins than anything. I felt misunderstood by my father, who doesn't at that age. But it's still there. She and I have remained very close. We have been there for each other. Unfortunately, she now is facing her own medical crises. I told her to start a blog, because she reads mine, and she started to read others on her disease. So maybe she will. I hope so. If anything - there are some real healing properties in this.

So to celebrate my NOT having some weird movement disorder - Thank you LORD! I told Frank to get me WINE. Yep, because this weekend, I want a glass or 3 of wine. Hey, maybe I'll even have my pole installed by then! Anyone know where to get one??? I do think I'm going to take up the belly dancing, by the way. I saw an article in my paper this am. Anyone else IN??????


Emily said...


i'm glad that nothing is 'seriously' wrong with you, but that doesn't help your current situation, does it?

did the doc have any solutions for your jerky movements? it sounds like he stopped short of actually trying to fix the problem!

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