Thursday, December 21, 2006

Ho Ho Ho - Give Me Snow!

Yeah, I know, call me crazy. I've seen the reports of the blizzard in Colorado and I'm, well, jealous. The kids and I were watching the news with our jaws to the floor this morning, yelling, YES, yelling things like, "NO FAIR!" "WHY CAN'T WE HAVE THAT?" "WHERE IS OUR STUPID SNOW?" "WE NEED A WHITE CHRISTMAS!" And then I heard one of them say this: "I wish the blizzard would come here" - NO, actually, I don't wish the blizzard would really come here. Just some snow to be on the trees and the driveway and the road and falling when we wake up on Christmas morning. Because, that is what we like here; a white Christmas. OK, I really hate the cold, it is truly painful in my bones. But I desperately want a good, old-fashioned white Christmas. But NOT a blizzard. I repeat. NOT. A. BLIZZRD.

I mean, really how ridiculous is Nicholas' sled going to look, under the tree - no snow? Just sayin, something we've grown accustomed to. However, with global warming taking over the planet and all, I guess we'll need to improvise a little. Somehow. Or wait until say Spring, when we are tired of the snow, and it just refuses to go away. In the meantime, at present, it's 50 outside, and my fingers are numb from being too cold still. And yet I'm demanding snow. Go figure! Hey, I've a few screws loose, I admit it.

Tomorrow is the big day - my occipital block!! YES!! I can't wait. I am excited, because I'm hoping it will do something for me. Then, we are taking the kids to see The Nativity and f i n i s h (I hope) Christmas shopping. They need to shop for each other and Frank. I am done for them and Frank. Maybe a few more toys for the little guy. I don't know. I'm really looking forward to the time off with the kids. Unfortunately, Frank will be working, but he'll be home for Christmas.

We haven't heard from Philip in over a week, and would appreciate any prayers for him and the men in his company. It must be very hard for them to be away from their families at this time. I know it's very hard for Frank. He misses him very much, and not hearing from him makes it difficult. Especially at Christmas.

I wish for you all a very Merry Christmas. Jackie, thank you so much for the Christmas card! Awesome. I can't wait to hear Philip's reaction. How very very thoughtful of you. Wishing all painfree holidays. Deborah

Friday, December 15, 2006

Lend Me Your Hope

I received this in an email from a friend today, and thought I'd share it with you here. I hope someone else will find as much comfort in it as I did.> <>

Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that
you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit (Romans 15:13).

Lend me your hope for awhile, I seem to have mislaid mine.
Lost and hopeless feelings accompany me daily, pain and confusion are my
I know not where to turn; looking ahead to future times does not bring
forth images of renewed hope.
I see troubled times, pain-filled days, and more tragedy.
Lend me your hope for awhile, I seem to have mislaid mine.
Hold my hand and hug me; listen to all my ramblings, recovery seems so far
The road to healing seems like a long and lonely one.
Lend me your hope for awhile, I seem to have mislaid mine.
Stand by me, offer me your presence, your heart and your love.
Acknowledge my pain, it is so real and ever present.
I am overwhelmed with sad and conflicting thoughts.
Lend me your hope for awhile; a time will come when I will heal, and I will
share my renewal, hope, and love with others (adapted from the poem "Lend
Me Your Hope," author unknown).

The apostle Paul gives us the biblical basis for our comfort and hope:
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of
mercies and God of all comfort; who comforts us in all our affliction so
that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the
comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For just as the
sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant
through Christ" (2 Corinthians 1:3-5).

Thursday, December 14, 2006

The Monster

Oh yes, the Monster has, without doubt, struck again. I am moving in slow-motion, daily; just dragging along. Waiting for It to leave. But, no It won't. It is stuck in my head; swelling and pounding, and invading the rest of my body, bit by bit. The right of my face, today - is feeling numb, yet, not so much. You know, fuzzy and tingly and warm, but not in a nice way. There is way too much pain coming with it for that. Then there's the ever-approaching nausea. It just comes in a pool of waves today. It just started a few minutes ago. I was fine all moring, not totally fine, just free of the tossing and turning in my stomach. My jaw feels as though there is a clamp hinging it; not quite from the back, and not so much form the front. But it is so definitely feeling like it's being forced.

Oh, yes, I know who You are - the Monster, the Uninvited Guest. You show up wehn least expected or basically whenever you want. You're quick to come, and slow to leave. Although, this time, you have been coming on much too slowly. Please just pack your things and show your way out. Quickly this time. You are suredly never welcome here. For Iv'e had enough of YOU.

The clamping has started around the top of my skull. My right eye isis feeling the hammering; it is coming from the back of my head - and straight thru - out of my eye. I can almost see it coming and going. No, that is the tunnel visssion, my bad. Just leave me alone. Please.

T oday is beautiful. Sunny and warm. Unusual for this tme of year. And I feel lousy. I'm going back to bed, yet agian. Trying to gt rid of another migraine. I called my pain doc for an occipital block, and the soonest - Dec 26. Hopefully, he will get a cancellation before then. I can only pray. And I will.

Monday, December 11, 2006

My Tree

Feeling like this color, basically. Needing to jump to say this color soon.

On the plus side, we picked out our Christmas tree. On Friday. Although it's large, fragrant and green; that is all it is. Green. No lights, yet. I was too comfy, either in bed or on the couch, all weekend to get the lights on it. The poor kids keep asking me when we're going to decorate, rather I'm going to. As a rather compulsive person, in my nature, it is I who must assemble the lights. "They need to be properly aligned," as Frank reminded himself lastnight when he suggested , to ME, that Cinderisa put the lights up. I think he probably just saw my eyes bulge or something, as he quickly corrected himself. It's not that she can't do a good job or anything; she could probably do a half-way decent job. It's just something I prefer to do myself.

That was Monday. Nicholas and I, successfully, decorated the tree. And then, I collapsed, literally. The girls were thrilled when they came in from school to see it all alit. I'm not totally thrilled with it, but it's going to do. for now. I don't feel so good these days; so it's just going to do. They love it, and really, that is all that matters.

I overslept this morning. Did not hear the phone ringing to wake me. So I had to take Marisa to school. What a nightmare! I, first of all, was in NO shape to be on the road. But I was. Unfortunately. AND, my tank was empty. Well, I had 11 gallons to empty. So I had to first, get gas, THEN, drive; which in itself, today was a feat I was not willing to take. Nor should I be. The nightmare really was when I got to the parking, rather, the drop-off spot. The many MANY busses and minivans and cars. It seemed unending. I just wanted to get home. I really thought I'd never get here.

I just want to feel good. Perhaps right now, I'm trying too hard. Yeah, that's what it is. I'm chalking it up to that. As the right side of my head is yet again, being invaded by the monster; I will still try again, and again and again..... Until then, I suppose I will just wait. Hopefully with some patience. At least my tree is decorated.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

The Total Sum of Moi

Well, for starters, let's just say this: it's all my parent's fault! And you can ask my sister, you know, the one with the cutie pie a few dozen posts back - because she, too, is blaming them!

While Frank was looking at the stupid pamphlets on Parkinson's Disease (NOT -thankyouverymuch!!!!) I'm just a nervous wreck, jerking away, waiting for THE doctor to come in; the one who specializes in "movement disorders" - that is what I was there for. I'm just saying to him, as I'm making the chair move from the wall with the stupid JERKING THAT WON'T STOP "there's nothing wrong, the MRI came out normal, yet again, so I'm just normal. I have huge freaking weird Migraines, but I'm normal. Get it?"

Frank, reading stupid pamphlet, "yep, you do this, and this, WOW, and THIS!" Basically, he's ignoring me.

In walks THE doc, very nice, by the way. Does his thing for however long. Questions and more stupid questions. And says this: "I believe a person with chronic pain, such as yours, can have very deep psychological problems, that we cannot perceive or help you with. BUT, (my favorite word) there is a place that does specialize in this area with sever chronic patients, such as yourself"

Me, feeling like a total and complete loser, gee, why is that exactly???? Say something like, "So I'm just a basic lunatic with unmanageable migraines, that make my body do weird stuff. So, I'm nuts? Is that what you're telling me?"

But, no, he reassured me, that not only am I not nuts or a lunatic; but it's because of the chronic migraines that my body is resorting to this new and improved way of life . AND - yeah, this is where my parents fit in, don't they just always; " there may be some deep issues of unresolved health reasons we don't know of to get to, and this would be the place to help."

Frank: "you mean, because her father always said she wouldn't amount to anything, and didn't take her illnesses serious; he always did say she was making herself sick, is that why?"

Right about now, I'm looking to just run out the door, but I can't seem to get my head out of my ass!

But THE doctor did, yet again, reassure me, that I'm not NOT crazy. (Yeah, that made me feel so much better), and said it is an unfortunate part of chronic pain that our bodies put us through. OH, and we'll just do a few more tests to rule out this and that and really, you're still not crazy. "And have a vonderful holiday. "

Ok, for the record; I didn't go in looking for a problem. I'm extremely happy I don't have anything else at this point. But in truth, I feel like not only did I waste his time, my husband's time from work, but MY time! AGAIN! Pain just freaking sucks. And now, it's doing something really freaking weird to me; apparently, it does happen to others. Poor souls. I'm so not interested in going to ANOTHER hospital, away from my family, because of this stupid disease called MIGRAINE! I just doesn't end. It morphs.

I called my sister to tell her all of this, this morning; and at first we laughed, because we comiserated about the crap we had to deal with when we were sick; the stupid things he would say. Not a loving environment to be brougt up in. I'm sure they believe it was, as they refuse to see their ignorance. I'm thankful that I can have her to talk with and verify. It's very sad, though. She is 12 years younger than I, so I always looked at her as my baby sister. When she was born, her and her twin brother my brother; it was like getting a love gift. I finally had someone I could love, unconditionally, that would love me back. What a unique experience they were for me.

I was in my senior year of high school when I left home; she was 5. I was more sad about leaving the twins than anything. I felt misunderstood by my father, who doesn't at that age. But it's still there. She and I have remained very close. We have been there for each other. Unfortunately, she now is facing her own medical crises. I told her to start a blog, because she reads mine, and she started to read others on her disease. So maybe she will. I hope so. If anything - there are some real healing properties in this.

So to celebrate my NOT having some weird movement disorder - Thank you LORD! I told Frank to get me WINE. Yep, because this weekend, I want a glass or 3 of wine. Hey, maybe I'll even have my pole installed by then! Anyone know where to get one??? I do think I'm going to take up the belly dancing, by the way. I saw an article in my paper this am. Anyone else IN??????

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

new outlook - of sorts

The good news: the MRI came back normal. Of course.

The bad news: I still feel like Garbage. GARBAGE. Complete with smell, and barf bag. No barf. Can't eat because fo the nausea.

The good news: I got my big (ok, there is no big) butt off the couch today, AND I even put on make-up. AND did my doo. Because I'm so tired of feeling like shit all the time, that maybe, just maybe; if I look good, I'll start to feel good.

The bad news: I still feel like I want to barF! And my head is swelling insde - I just know it is. The kids are screaming and I just told them to (get this) "SHUT UP!!" (BOY someone should really call child services here)

The crazy good news: they still love me.

So yesterday, as I lay, head throbbing FREAKING HARD, mind you, stomach wanting to PUKE something - ANYTHING!!! HE says to me, (because he is sick of looking at me under a blanket for days, feeling like I do) "That's it! I don't even want to celebrate Christmas here this year. I'm not having people here with you like this. Not even a tree!!" Ok, I'm sure the kids are hip to that idea.

Here's what I'm thinking: remember that pic a few posts back with Madonna on the pole? (NOT THE BLESSED MOTHER!) GO back I'll wait.......................... Yeah, that pole. I'm thinking, perhaps if I try my own damn therapy, install said freaking pole in my home; take up say, I don't know, Salsa or Belly dancing - hey I've got the freaking tremors already - I do have a head start here. Get rid of a few choice meds (ok, I'll talk it over with the doc first, blah blah blah!!) Maybe, this just might work for me! I'll let ya know how that works out. Thank God my MIL doesn't read my blog.

well dip me in chocolate - more good news: I jus got a call from the docs office AND the movement guy has an opening this afternoon. Well color me dancing. Not on a pole yet. Yes, I am so freaking twisted I hurt

Monday, December 04, 2006

What a weekend!

Well, I tried. I tried to make the arts fest, and I failed. I felt myself going down, and down I went. The tremors, or whatever they are - followed IMMEDIATELY afterward.

Got to the car, twitching started, head ramming and slamming. Maybe it is all just related to the migraine. I don't know. But in any case, it is geting much more frequent and intense.

Sunday, tried church - wasn't feeling so well when I got up. I just feel constantly nauseaus. All of the time lately. Pressure on the top of my head. We get there, I'm feeling a litle off my feet (funny) more like the the walls are moving around me; trying to grab at me, sort of. I find where Terri and Frank are siting. Trying desperately, so desperately to ignore what is happening inside me. The twitching and the pain, up my spine, in my head, making my left leg contort. And then, Im gone! And I don't know for how long I'm gone, because I do hear the music around me, but I can't see anything, I can hear, the nausea is so intense now, it grabs my insides like nothing before. Adn my head is just screaming with pain. I want to go to the hospital now. I WANT TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL. I can't take it anymore. The jerking won't stop. I try to make it stop. I'm thinking, to myself, It's me, I'm making myself do this, but it won't stop. Adn the pain in my head is just so intense now.

Now I am in the car, and I really don't know how I got there. Funny. Bits and pieces of information escape me at this time. Whare is Terri. Frank is mad and frustrated that nothing is helping. I'm thinking he's mad at me, that I'm sick again. He cn't be! It's not my fault. I think he really is jus sick and tired of all of it. Like I am. Time is going so fast. We are at the Emergency Dep't. I am just jumping with these damn tremors. Why don't they stop? And what are they.? Is the Zonegran not working anymore? Maybe that's all it is. That wold be an easy fix right. But I'm getting more and more and more of these everyday. One on top of another. They seem to start at the base of my spine, above my buttocks, very painful. And the pain travels up my spine, and makes my whole body just shake. My left leg quivers insidelike jello. then it kicks hard. And my back will do the same up and down. sometimes I get migraine with it and sometmes not. Today, very hard. So I was treatd as a migraine.

The residents kknow me very well; thankfully, and don't treat me as a drug-seeking patient. I don't want drugs, I want answers. Please!! Answeres to why my body is now acting like it can't sit still. Could this REALLY be another dose of migraie disease?

Today, I am exhausted, and sick to my stomach. Jerking, and my head is pounding again. So I ask, my doctor, whom I respect very much, now what? Where do I go from here? This I can't live with. Could you? Please help me.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

El Yucko

Despite feeling like crap, yet again, I am going out and doing something I haven't done in a long time. There just happens to be a, and not your typical, Artisan show in town today at our local fairgrounds. So, that is where I am headed this afternoon. Tremors, jerking, high-horse stepping and all. I thoroughly enjoy local artist displaying their crafts, and now, I will be able to embark on their beautiful marksmanship. I cannot wait. Hopefully, I will not be like a bull in a china shop, like I have in the past. One can only hope for such a miracle. I have been popping Zofran like candy the last few days, to keep my tummy under control. Can't eat, however, I have been able to sleep quite well. Something about the tremors making me dreadfully tired. Not such a bad thing, since I was unable to sleep for about 2 weeks. Still banking on the MRI showing Nothing!!!! Wouldn't surprise me in the least. The tremors seem to be coming from my lower back, then going into my left leg, and creeping up into my sping. Somehow, they are triggering a migraine. At least, I think it's a trigger. Needless to say, I have been extremely nauseaus for the past week, and can't eat. Ginger ale, and I have become best friends again. Oh, and Won ton soup - I'm going for the active ginger ingredient in that today for a cure! right now, the fuzzy, metal feeling on my tongue has started, and I'm going to lay down. But I WILL be going to the Art show. I can't wait! As it stands, I have a friend, who teaches at SU, and will be showing some work. Can't wait to see her stuff. Take care. Me