Once Again. I feel it, as it grips my skull
Raging through me, bit by bit.
Mangled shreds of memory and pain.
Each piece a tattered loss of forgotten past.
No way to escape the pain, or
To lessen the sound of it's fury; no there's never an
End to it, only a brief moment of silence until the next time;
Deceived again by Migraine, The Tormentor
Please forgive the gory skull. I retrieve my pictures from Photobucket, and boy does this one give a great description of what the device chamber represents, in my mind anyway.
Yesterday I woke with yet another monster, followed by the ice pick, over and over again. That's ok, on Monday I will go in for my cryo blasting. This time - I will be so lucky to get it on not one, but BOTH sides. I am so thrilled. And, literally, I am thrilled.
Let me just go thru a few of the places and things I've missed due to the latest monster; I signed up for a new Beth Moore Bible study at church, and was only able to make one of the last three, THREE, studies. due to the monster in my head.
I missed my little guys Open House for Second grade. But I did get to go to his back-to-school barbecue lastnight. And I took the monster with me.
I have missed the last three sessions of Hope's Ambassadors with Lexi. A song and dance for the Special Needs kids. I hate the monster.
I missed my dental cleaning. ugh, that's a real downer.
A fun get-together with the girls at church. that includes desserts. Hey, we are Southern Baptists. did I mention the desserts?? I have missed too many to mention.
It has been two weeks, I think since I've posted here. and why???? riiiiiiight, the monster. It never really goes away, totally, it hides, so to speak; sneaks up when I have plans. Dare I make them. Oh, I almost forgot that one!!!! We made plans with my Bro and Sister-in-law to hit wine country a few weekends ago; couldn't go. Yeah, yeah poor me.
I realize there are so many who have it so far worse, I really do; I sympathize, empathize, and pray that the pain and situation is different for them. Right now, my former FIL is lying in a hospital very ill; and I pray for him with my children that he gets well. I truly do pray he gets well; it's a sticky situation that one. The "ex" factor. His parents are ill, I feel for him with that and them. His wife is a controlling freak, who has no respect for him or my children; and yet, demands it from them, oh and me. Like that is going to happen. I really feel for him. We had a shakey marriage, it ended badly, but I don't believe he deserves her disrespect and controlling ways. I don't agree with the way she treats my children and him, so what do you do in this situation? Nothing, in my place. I just sit back, idle, and pray. Literally.
So anyway, that's that. I have another freaking monster in my head - nothing new there. I'm alive and well other than that. My dog is still ugly. My kids are absolutely wonderful. My husband is bored out of his ever-loving mind being retired and going mad watching the changes going on in the auto industry. He is wonderful, especially when I am ill. I don't know what I would do without him. We have a fabulous Saviour who blesses us in way too many ways to count. And yet, I complain.
Oh, our Philip will be coming home soon. Like next month. He is well, exhausted from being in the middle of Afghanistan. I can't wait to see him, to cook for him and wait on him hand and foot. He is going on a well-dserved cruise to the Carribean. He needs it. Please don't forget to continue to pray for our military heroes; they need it desperately. more than you even know.
Praying you are pain-free
Friday, September 26, 2008
Friday, September 12, 2008
Thank you for coming to my party of sorts. I don't mean to be sarcastic, but you see, I'm feeling myself start to fade today. The weather is changing and so starts my metamorphosis. Let me explain:
A statement was made to me this week, again, on a rather sunny day. I was dressed very nice, my hair was done up, my make up on. You get the picture. I looked - oh dare I even utter it - good. There I said it.
Anyway, I was feeling great, no monster stabbing my skull. I had gone to great lengths to make my feet look and feel nice, nails clipped and polished. Here I was smiling and minding my own business when this certain person mentioned to me that I "look too good to be sick." ????? What does that mean? Exactly.
Fortunately I am able to have those "too good" days when the beast isn't beating me down. I can smile on those days, and get dressed, brush my teeth and eat. Generally, I'm able to even walk out of my house. However; there have been days, like today, where I feel myself sort of fading, like I'm here, but slowly going someplace I don't want to be. To that sick place; that invisible place. The ugly place that the outsider doesn't see.
If you are new to my site, brace yourself, I hold nothing back here, I tell it like it is. Migraines are not at all invisible, not mine anyway; they invoke themselves in an almost beautiful array of invitation....
in a very dizzying fashion like this. I cannot escape them, see, I just fall deeper and deeper into them. See how pretty it is! You can hear it, too, can't you? It's very faint at first, but a slight tingle of a triangle, and it leaves a little shiver up my spine. This usually takes a few hours for me, the time I'm in my slumber hour, or so I think. Part of me is in a sort of half sleep, the other is in a hypnotic daze, gazing off into the aura as they dance off, taking me away with them. Swirling away for what must be hours, changing me chemically, no doubt. For I went to bed feeling wonderful.
Now as you have fallen into the trap of the dizzying array of my aura, I want you to still concentrate on it's beauty and remember the sound of the triangle; ting, ting, ting..........
Be very careful, that triangle is very dangerous, it's a freight-train in disguise. Just as you are lulled under the covers to get snuggled and warm, thinking you are comfortable and at rest, the sound becomes louder, and louder still. As you cannot escape the dizzying array of that pattern, it spins faster, flipping from left to right, throwing you off balance. Your center of gravity? Where exactly is it? Your body jumps at the thought of falling.
The train is now approaching and you are feeling the cool rails on your very spine. You are so cold, you shiver. And yet, you are sweating. Now the stomach is in that awful mode wanting to puke, you feel the need to run, but you are afraid to move. You have been so tensed up that your jaws hurt. The triangle, yes, it is now making it's true appearance - suddenly you hear the sound of screaching iron on iron. Louder. Louder. And worse, you feel it, yes, you can feel it, it has now hit you inside your head. You cannot escape it.
The monster is desperately working; banging and pounding about inside. You can hear the sounds of his breast plates as they move against each other, they screach in unison with the train now. He is grumbling with your stomach, the sounds are so deafening and painful to hear.
You lose sight from your right eye; and as you try desperately to get to your feet, to make it to the bathroom in time, you find that you just lost the entire right side of your body. No feeling on your face; your arm is as heavy as the dog, you are terrified. You cannot move your right leg. You have never in your life felt such intense pain before. And why is the sun blasting silver rays into your window? Have they ever before made such a sound?
What has happened to you? The room, the floor and bed start to spin and you need to get to the bathroom. You will puke your guts out if you don't get to the bathroom! Unfortunately, you can't move. Welcome to my Invisible Illness called Migraine.
It isn't always invisible. It isn't alway pretty. I don't always "look good" nor do I necessarily feel terrific. But by God's grace I do get through it day by wonderful day; or monstrous day. whichever.
My Migraine days, you will simply see me, invisible. I will be at home (or in the hospital, infusion center) under my covers, dealing with my monster in the only way I can......I will not be smiling, made up, dressed-up, or looking AT ALL good.
Today, I am fading out; going to invisible land. Wishing all of you with any and all Chronic Illnesses, a truly Pain-free weekend.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
....to junk. I went back for more and just look what I got. These cute folding chairs. Can't wait to play with them.
then there was this child's desk and little hutch, and oh look at the headboard and footboard! I can't believe people just throw this stuff out. My imagination is just running wild with ideas for these pieces.
THIS to it! Doesn't it look much better now? This is the little spot outside of his door, which I think is a cute spot for the shelf, but he prefers it in
Monday, September 08, 2008
One of my most favoritest weekends has come - dump your junk! Or as I like to call it, "Dumpster Diving Weekend." Oh, it is so amazing the stuff that people no longer need! It took some getting used to for Frankie, my driver, who asked if he could wear a disguise. Fortunately for him, on day one, it was dark and rainey. And he did NOT wear a disguise. Look at the goodies we got!!
Yeah, I know, the corner cabinet is a litte, hmm, how shall I say, kitchey?? But I have some grand ideas in mind! Look at the folding hanger for my laundry! I was thrilled. I'm so GREEN!!! I know, wouldn't Al Gore just gouge his eyes out for that!!
OOh, lookey look at this adorable little book case for Nick's room. Yeah, it is wood. Cute isn't it! Oh, and this mirror; mirror, mirror on the wall.....can you just stand it!!!
Aah, this old school desk is just perfect for the little man in his room for OH NO, HOMEWORK!!!! Oh, and that little table in the back is going in the family room downstairs. Perfect to hide the games in. I may go look for more today!!!! Wait, see that little milking stool in there? Cute huh. Everything is in nearly new shape, just needs some TLC. Perfect!
I ended taking him out again yesterday, in the sunshine, and he was enjoying the dig. We are a bunch of trashers. Who knew he'd turn out to be a great diver? I just can't wait to turn out all my junk.
Oh wait, one more thing; there were these awesome black shutters I found in my shed, rememeber? I have decided to turn them into presents for Christmas. Here is one I made for my Mother-in-law.
Hoping you are all pain-free today.
Friday, September 05, 2008
This is the little teapot with it's pretty colors, that inspired me to paint my table. The little salt and pepper shakers gave me the rest of diagonals and geometrical shapes and colors. I painted the paisley simpley because, well, I just like them.
It is so like the aura I wake with each morning; that I go off to sleep with. The flickering that I catch out the corner of my eye. Those that twist and spin and swirl, scream and screach; yes they are all here in this table.
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
Yeah, yeah color change! I don't know about you, but I just love love love the dew on pretty flowers in the morning. Like this: