Thursday, November 30, 2006

ugly dog, bad day

I feel like my dog looks! Yeah, kinda like that. Shocked, busted, ugly. Icky. So you know - he is NOT allowed on my bed! He was totally busted in a very restful nap as I snuck up on him and yelled at him, thus the stupid look of shock on his pitiful face.

And it's kind of how I'm feeling right. now. I was hit with the tremor again yesterday. Followed by a "sweet" little (right) migraine. I woke (yesterday) not feeling so well - nauseated, unsteady. Didn't I just say I was ready to take back a bit of my freaking LIFE?!!!!! Oh how my head is swimming today in a pile of mush and fuzz. Perhaps, I should just keep those thoughts to myself; because, without fail, this is exactly what happens when I share my intensions. Disaster.

Today, I am scheduled for the MRI. We'll just see how that goes. Hey, at least I slept like a rock lastnight. I can't seem to keep my leg from jerking right now. My body feels like it just wants to start all over again, with the jumping and jerking tremors. Looks like another one of those days. Getting some uncomfortable chest pain with it too. Not sure if it's from being tightly curled up, or what. But MAN am I uncomfortable!!! Journaling in my book again, and here. Can't stop jerking rigt now. My body is just jumpy jumpy jumpy. I wish I knew why. Is it a part of the Migraine Disease aor something New and Improved?? Oh goodie! Thankfullly, my mind is in tact. AND my humor. Ok, too much jerking

Monday, November 27, 2006

Another Birthday at the ranch

Happy Birthday my big 6 year old!!!! How cute is he? He came down to me this morning; I was on the computer, and he says, "Well, today is my birthday!" And he just hopped up on my lap and curled up. How incredibly delicious is that?! He is my little sweetie pie. Full of hugs and kisses, anytime I want them. Boys are awesome!

Having a little party tonight at home with the family; and then he's having some boys over on Friday afterschool. His cake tonight - a football, well, 2. A big one and then his own special cake, just for him. He says he doesn't feel 6. That's ok, I feel 6 for him. I was asked to add a few pictures to todays blog - by him. I'm sure he'll love it.

This is Hyrup, the snake. He lives in Nicholas' room - IN A TANK. Philip brought him home before he left for bootcamp; and suggested that Nick take care of him. ME??? Well, I was totally freaked out at first, wouldn't go near him, or in the same room when he was out; but as you can see, I've grown quite accustomed to him. He's really very sweet for a snake. I was able to bring him to school last year, in Nick's pre-school class. They loved it! He is getting very big, very fast. I do NOT delight in feeding time; and only once, 2 weeks ago, did I have the unfortunate luck to be walking by his room when Hyrup grabbed his meal. Let me just say, rats are very loud! I ran screaming, holding my ears, yelling something like, "LA LA LA NOT HEARING NA NA NANA!!!!" I was the kid who cried during Wild Kingdom when my father used to watch it. I can't handle the whole "circle of life" thing happening. But hey, Hyrup has to eat, too. Just not in my presence.

Here's the big scary dog looking fierce and alert! Doesn't he just look like he's saying something like, "You talkin to me?" What a dumb dog! Gotta love him.

Me and Cinderisa. She is actually sitting on my lap, and is about 1" taller than me. She is a beauty. So tonight we celebrate my baby's birthday. We've done a lot of that lately. OMG - pay no attention to the tacky laundry basket behink the chair! Or he backwards chair. I'm sick, and I know it. OCD never leaves me alone! awww who cares! If you'd like to leave a Happy B'day to Nick.. just leave it in my comments. I'm sure he'd get a huge kick out of it.

Time to wrap presents. Frost cakes. Celebrate!

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Wanting to be a part of the real world - again

It has been 2 years since I've been able to work. Two years! Two years of constant pain; doctors, tests -some of which were normal; the previous MRI being in Feb of '05 anyway. Hospital stays; both at home, and far away from home. One place in particular, although I learned a great deal from; I will be happy to never step foot in their doors. Two years of the money-sucking hole this relentless 'headache' has caused. Don't mistake the pain only starting 2 years ago, it's been with me much longer; it just had a way of taking over my life in the last 2 years. Completely!

And now, I have a great urge to start taking back some of that control. Regardless of the pain, and the new little "Spaz attacks" as Terri and Frank call them. It seems as though each time I try, or suggest, or think of going back to work, another symptom, or hospital stay, or something else with my health rears an ugly head. Does that mean I give up trying? I'm not ready to give up yet.

But I do remember a time that I was ready to give up. I remember laying in a hospital bed, and no amount of med would make it stop; it was just a matter of time before the poisons would work their magic and relieve the pain - just a little. And it would come on strong and hard again, and again. I remember thinking to myself, how much easier to just let go. If I could just go. And I'd see my little one's come to visit me, with pictures they'd made to cheer me up. Or bring me a soft blanket to keep me smelling home, and feel a little more comfortable. And I would think how young they were, and what would they do without ME? They need their Mother. But I was so weak, and in so much pain, so much much more than I feel now. And I really didn't know HOW much more of it I could take.

So now I feel as if I should be able to start taking back bits of my life. I don't desire to be the sick Mom, who can't make it to the concert. Or to my son's first's this year, in kindergarten. I missed so so much of his pre-school stuff. If it wasn't for Mindy, a wonderful person and friend; Nicholas would not have even been able to go to pre-school. She was there, everyday, on time! To pick my little boy up for school and drop him back to me. I couldn't drive then. There were more days I was on the couch or in bed, than up and about. It was dreadful. Literally horrible. But he enjoyed pre-school, thankfully. His time was somewhat occupied by something other than just a sick Mommy.

The girls had their activities, too. I missed most of them, sadly. And they were so great about it each time. They were never upset with me, like I was. And Frank was faithful to get them to the concerts, and the track meets. Then, they would take care of me, on the days they'd come home from school; do the housework that I should have been able to do. I always felt so guilty, but they never begrudged me. Well, not a lot!

A friend, who was my boss at the Y, has been asking me when I'm coming back. I see her every Sunday in church. Last Sunday while we were driving, I said to Frank; "You know, maybe I can start going back to work?!" He just laughed at me, reminding me that I'd just gotten over a good four-day migraine. I was at that euphoric phase, you know? When it has finally calmed itself, and you start to feel real good, like a little high your body gives you. Yeah, that's where I was. A few minutes later, I felt this strange spasm in my lower back, didn't think much of it.

I was feeling ok for a while through the service, and all of a sudden, the spasm hit me again; and added with it, a little pipe to the back of my head sort of feeling. I started to feel a little dizzy. Sometimes I get that way from looking down, as I was. But then, my leg started to do it's strange twitch, slow at first, and gradually, the other leg and my back came into play. At first, Frank just laughed at me, and gave me the spaz movement back at me. But it suddenly took on a form all it's own. My body was completely in this incredible spaz-like activity. I couldn't sit still, only curl up; as that is where my muscles were taking me. I felt as though I was in and out of reality. Not sure what was happening, or where I was - only I knew I needed to get home.

This is something my doc called, "chorea" when I saw him 2 weeks ago. I have another MRI scheduled for this week. As does everything weird in my case, I have a sinking suspicion that it will probably come out - NORMAL. It's not that I want an abnormal brain tumor or anything horrid, just a simple - answer. To the many many many questions that have flooded ME, each time my body does something incredibly weird like that. Believe me, it was weird, and it was quite painful at times. I was toast for the rest of the day. It happened again on Monday, twice; and Tuesday and Wednesday - twice. And of course it happened on Thursday, at my MIL house. Something we both prayed wouldn't happen. Each time it started the same, with the twinge in my back; and this time Frank saw it coming. They lasted anywhere from 5-10 minutes in length. And then I crashed. Sometimes it triggers a migraine. Sometimes there is no pain in my head afterward. This time, it has triggered a new sympom altogether, one I'm not sure is a part of it or not. But there is this little scream-like pain that comes into my midsternum. OUCH. There is no taking my breath away with it, or anything like that, but it's still there. This doesn't happen everyday, the tremor, spaz, chorea; but when it does, it is strange. I've been free of it since Thursday.

So, naturally, me being me; I said to Frank, yet again on Sunday morning - "What if I were to go back to work, just like maybe 2 or 3 days while Nick is at school??" I'm sure he was secretly waiting for me to start flopping like a fish, or get the bat to the back of the head that brings on another migraine. But I didn't. This time, he just smiled, not reminding me of ALL THE OTHER TIMES I suggest this, now fantasy, idea. There were a few 'what ifs' in there. But, he just agreed this time.

I have been fortunate enough to be able to be there for my children; they see me before they go to school, and I'm home for them when they return. I always desired to be a good Mom; to be here for them. And I am; both. I miss the medical field I used to work in - won't be going there again, those skills are outdated. But I loved the work I did at the Y. The people I worked with, the members. The pay wasn't great, but I loved the job. Isn't that what's important anyway. I mean, sure, high-paying jobs are a necessity in this area where we are just TAXED TO DEATH! But hey, I liked what I did. And really, I never complained about the pay, the benefits, to me, far out-weighed the paycheck. Being able to have my kids there, involved in sports, and other activities. Access of the state-of-the-art equipment! Well Frank enjoyed that. Me, not such a graceful soul, I was terribly intimidated by the stuff, and usually ended up getting hurt. There's only so many times you can let the treadmill go out from under your feet, forgetting to step up on the sides, and ride it full-speed into the computer on the front. I'd laugh it off, "just wanted to make sure it still works that way! We need to have this one checked. Don't use it." I was secretly hoping to be banned from that room.

The sauna was my favorite room.. Being always cold, that was where I would run to "make sure it was still working and nobody died in there from heat exhaustion." Hey, it can happen. So, I am going to go to the Y, and talk about going back, even if it's for just a few days a week. I want to gain a piece of me back from this painful disease that took over my life 2 years ago.

I know I'm going to have bad days; everyone has bad days! But I am having some good days, finally, and I want them. Even if it gives me the satisfaction of just being normal once again. Instead of being the sick one. I don't want to be there, and I know, it's always there to haunt me. But damn it, I need to get a piece of my life back. So wish me luck. That's my rant for today. I'm sticking with it.

By the way, on the Madonna thing: I had the fun of telling my MIL, who laughed, hysterically at it. You need to understand this - she is from Naples, Italy. A very seriously devout Catholic nation. She is no longer Catholic, but most of her family there is. She knows, deeply, the standing taken to the Blessed Mother, (Who for the record, I did NOT call a tramp). She had this to say to me, "Imagine if you had two priests standing behind you!" She said this while laughing. Hysterically. Is anyone sensing a note of guilt on my part? I feel like I should go buy the stamps!!!!!!!!

NAH! Hoping all a pain-free day! Or at least a manageable one at best. Take care.

Monday, November 20, 2006

And What to My Wandering Eyes Should Appear......

Sunday morning, sitting in my habitual routine; before getting ready FOR CHURCH, I must add. I am reading the paper; I like to read the news first; Frank likes the adds. I get through the typical hum-drum of what is actually given to the world in their view; and I come upon this:NEED I SAY MORE??!!! This is whom I was referring to at the grocery store! NOT the Bella Madonna. But exactly this! I just couldn't believe my eyes when I ran across this magazine in my Sunday paper. Thank you. Thank you. I feel as if I should run to Wegmans, seek out the man behind the counter, who thought I was the pig for calling, as my husband put it, "You called the Virgin Mary a TRAMP?!" For the record, no. I did not call the Virgin Mary any such thing. It was this here, this site, that I was thinking of. A very gifted voice, yes, but c'mon, is the pole really necessary????? I think not.

So this is the point I was trying to make, as I tripped, badly all over myself. I can't wait to tell my Mother-in-law. She is from Naples. I think she will enjoy, immensely the story. Catholocism being a HUGE religion in Italy, where her family still resides, with all the ritual - she will no doubt, enjoy my story.

For me, I had another little(right!) attack of the shakira type yesterday. Complete with hysteria, slammed with icepicks, tremors and my pretty-high stepping horsey walk. (insert the neighing here) Very painful and awkward. Today, I need to take Nicholas to his Ped for his physical. This is the place with the huge black and white floors on the diagonal that set me off. This shuld prove to be a glorious day for me. As I've already started off on the wrong high-step footing. Good thing I'm not driving today. Can you just see it? Hoping all better days. Deborah

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Open Mouth, Insert......

So here's the scene: I'm in line for postage stamps at Wegman's, just finished the grocery shopping for the week. (Can I just say this first? wait, my blog, of course I can!) Has anyone else noticed the price of EVERYTHING in the store going up by cents per week?? EVERY week? I used to get my bulk p-towels for $3.99, then it was 4.19, this week, it was 4.59. It's not like they've actually put more stinking paper per role or anything. In fact, my weirdo conspiracy mind is thinking, maybe they are taking a few sheets per roll OFF!!!! What about the tuna??? They lured me into the wonderful taste of white albacore at a pretty 59cents per can. I can't get near the stuff anymore without paying over $1 a can for the stuff. Not to mention, they stick their oh-so-attractive-so-called-savings-in-bright-YELLOW-SALE-STICKER in front of it, trying to get me to buy the stuff. Now I can't get my nose near the "other" tuna I ate for years, because it smells like CAT FOOD!! AND makes me litterally gag when I have to open it for the kids, because they now WANT tuna fish!!!! So what gives here?

But that wasn't the real reason I came here today. I needed to share a little stupidity I had yesterday. Out of the mouth of my very own. Have you ever, no I'm sure nobody has EVER done this, well not THIS, because this was classic; anyway, have you ever just popped out a statement, and realized, oops, not meant for what YOU were thinking!! Yeh, that was me yesterday:

So after I, begrudgingly, ha ha, handed my check (she had to pull it from me actually) over from my incredibly small purchase, I headed to the Service Counter. I was behind an elderly woman, who was very concerned about her pre-made pie shell, by the way. Not kidding, she insisted the graham cracker crust, in foil, in platic container, should have it's own bag, "it's very fragile!" There is a reason I'm not in public service, I would have asked her if she wanted bubble wrap. HOWEVER; it's important to know that she was in front of me. Because, a nice man came along and asked me if I needed anything. Of course, I was there for the postage stamps, which he kindly handed me. They were so pretty, all these crispy, blue snowflakes. I admired them, "Ooh, so pretty, thank you!" Like they were an early Christmas gift to me or something.

He's counting back my change to hand it to me and says, "I thought you'd prefer those over the (OK, pay attention) Madonna stamps."

("Stupid is as stupid does..") "Oh, she is such a pig!" I say, with great disgust.

Old lady with pie: A great gasp is heard from her, she turns and gives me the most disgusting look and starts to storm away with her precious stupid pie. (What is HER problem, I'm thinking!!! Weirdo Madonna lover. "Like a Virgin" is playing in my head, and I'm looking at her, storming away, thinking, "strange")

Until the other girl behind the counter starts to giggle. DUH!! And that is when it hit me; Hello Deb! Christmas! Jesus' birth! You idiot!!!

"OOH! THAT MADONNA! I was referring to the perfomer!" Tripping here all over myself, realizing the sweet Virgin MOTHER OF OUR LORD, I JUST REFERRED TO AS A P I G!!!!!!!

"Yes, she can sing, but still she's a pig, I mean - have you seen her onstage recently? In the news? I just don't care for her pro-religious acts." Which, I'm realizing is really just digging me deeper in the hole, because he SHOWS me the Madonna HE was referring to. (Insert the sound of abounding angels, "AAAHHhhhh") Sweet, wholesome, in front of pretty and colorful stained glass art.

"Really, I was referring to the singer, you know, "Like a Virgin." To which he just smiled, put the stamps away and simply said, "Next."

As I'm walking away, thinking, did he NOT know who Madonna was? It hit me, I just said, "Like a virgin!!"

There is just NO making up for this one is there? Nope, so I thought I'd share it here. Because, in reality - it's funny. When you GET both sides of the picture. I think Madonna has a very gifted and wonderful voice, I just don't particularly like to see her on a cross, or in the other realm she has put herself. It's disgusting. My blog, my opinion. Whatever! I loved her in Evita, she portrayed her, wonderfully; that is as far as I'll go wtih that.

I'm off to Penney's to do some Christmas shopping. I can only imagine where my mouth will get me today. I can only imagine.

Monday, November 13, 2006

yeah, so I'm twisted, so what

It's a very humbling experience to be in the midst of Veterans of wars past. I never really understood the meaning; not when my Grandfather showed me the pictures he had from his days at war. Not from the movies I'd watched on the big screen or TV. It wasn't until my step-son left American soil, the safety of home, the closeness of a phonecall away; only then did I fully understand the meaning of what Veteran's Day truly means. The dignity and bravery of what these men and women have suffered. Suffered.

On Saturday, we took the kids to the War Memorial for the ceremony before the parade. There, they proudly marched each troop in uniform. We sat behind the Marines in their dress blues, of course. Oorah. Philip is of course, a Marine! And he is now a Lance Corporal. I proudly announce. Nicholas did wear his Marine cammies and his cover, along with his USMC t-shirt over a green long sleeved shirt. Marisa wore her green USMC sweatshirt, and Philip's boot camp cover. (that is what Marine's call their caps) Christina wore her pink Marine hoodie. I wore Philip's USMC sweatshirt from bootcamp - no doubt, he sweat many hours in that shirt. I feel very proud to wear that. There was no mistaking what we were there for. Marisa wears his graduation ring on a chain; boot camp graduation.

We saw Veterans from many wars; Korean, Viet Nam, Desert Storm, and even the current war. We saw injured Vets, young men, no older than our own Philip. My heart cried for these men. But they had smiles on their faces - for they were proud. Proud to be recognized, among so many other before them. Yes, they too are Veteran's of war. It was so very humbling to be in their presence. What an honor to be among them. They went to forsaken, forgotten, and forlorn countries, to keep us free. To free others. Maybe we don't agree with each and every war that has been fought, but thank God we have people who are willing to go.

It was sad to see how few were there inside the War Memorial to honor them. Even sadder, how few of our newly elected officials were there. Or NOT there. I couldn't believe the amount of empty seats as I looked around. But what I did notice, were the different reactions; some stood with right hand over their hearts. Some stood, at attention, right hand at brow. Some sat, because they had missing legs, but waved flags. So, rather than notice the missing, I decided to take note of those who were there and why. We were there to honor our Veteran's.

As we headed outside for the parade, Marisa noticed someone handing out flags, so, naturally, she asked for several. They are now decorating our front lawn. It was a small parade, but the first in 10 years here. And when I asked the kids later if they had a better understanding of it, they each gave me their understanding. And then. we. watched. Saving Private Ryan. At first, when Frank mentioned how great it would be for Nicholas to see; "because he'll really understand what Philip's doing!" Me, being the Mommy, let's-wrap-the-kid-in-bubble-wrap-til-he's-21, is thinking, "Not a great idea, dear "(FREAK!) but, he insisted, AND all of the kids ended up watching(me, still feeling the need to over-protect the innocent). But in reality, it gave them an even better understanding than afore-mentioned parade. (whatever) and they really liked the movie. So they both understand, wholly, what Philip is doing, and what Veteran's Day is. Mission accomplished.

And to sweeten the deal, Philip called lastnight! Music to our ears when we can hear his voice now. I let him know we celebrated Veteran's Day, I told him what we all wore, which he thought was just great. He just says how much he wants to come home. We equally want him back. Nicholas tells his class about him, that he is in Iraq, he's a Marine. He is so sweet and so proud of his big brother. I think I will ask his teacher if the class can make him a Christmas card to send; hoping that may cheer him up. I know Nick will get a charge of that. Marisa is planning on asking her youth group leader the same thing. These kids have such a heart for their step-brother. And it's funny - when he was home, he would pester the girls terrible. Just terrible; but mostly in a loving way, you could tell he loved them. He would 'beat' the daylights out of Nicholas, and he'd come back for more. Their pet name for each other is 'magot' - the Marine way. So when Nick got his turn to talk, he called him, "Magot head" the whole time. It was so cute.

And that was how we spent Veteran's Day! NOW, for reasons unknown to myself - I fell asleep lastnight during my show - Desperate Housewives! I MUST FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED! What is wrong with me?????? Please, someone let me know what happened. At least when I fell aslep Thursday during Grey's Anatomy, I was able to watch it on Friday. (ok, I was at a party, and I kept sneaking in the bedroom to watch. Yeah, the kid's room, I actually kicked them out! I know, I'm twisted) So - how was your weekend?

Friday, November 10, 2006

Hats off to our Vets

Veterans that is. Tomorrow, I will take my son to the War Memorial, where they are hosting a ceremony for our nation's veterans. I want him to understand what it is that his brother is fighting for in Iraq. What his Grandfather stood for as an Air Force veteran. What my own Grandfather stood for serving in the Armed Forces. He will wear his Marine cammies and lid, proudly for his brother. He will hold a small American flag, waving it proudly, like every other little boy there. But what will he truly understand? Will he understand the cost of freedom? Probably not - yet. What he does understand is that his brother is a Marine. That he is in a war. But at almost six years old, he has yet to understand what war means.

When Philip called a few days ago, his voice was sullen and far away. He didn't talk about coming home, or howhe misses his family. He is now in a different state of mind. He is seeing death, being shot at. He is living war. Daily. There is nothing we can do for our Philip but pray for him. Pray that he will live. Pray that he will mentally make it through the stressful acts of war he must suffer daily. Pray he comes home whole. He is seeing more today than someone his age sees in these gang wars on the streets. For those wars, are over drugs, and property, stupidity.

For those that live through either of these wars; how are they changed? Are they different in their walk? Does the survivor of the gang shooting, see the stupidity of his ways, and seek change? When our young men and women come home, do they seek change?

Tomorrow is your chance to ask them. Honor them. Salute them. Whether you are for or against the current war, doesn't matter - there are men and women; somebodys husband, wife, father, mother, brother, sister, aunt, uncle, friend - over there, fighting for your freedom. Whether you choose to recognize this or not. Support it or not. They are still there. To show your support, seek a parade or memorial event. Honor a Vet tomorrow. Freedom is never free.

If you'd like to send a care package to a soldier overseas, call 1-800-610-8734, the US Post Office will send you free shipping boxes and packaging tape, to send to a soldier. Call your nearest recruiting office to get an address of a soldier who needs a package. If you'd like Philip's address, contact my email address, and I will gladly give it to you. Write letters of appreciation, have children colors pictures, send Christmas cards. Most of all, let them know you care.

Take your kids to a Veterans Day Parade tomorrow. Thank a Vet. Let them know they really are important to our country.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

15 minutes of FAME

Ok, not so much fame, as maybe, "wow, look at THIS!" So I go to my docs yesterday, I mean, I needed to show him my new shake. I'm not talking Shakira; although, if I keep going at this pace, there is a fairly good chance I may actually GET into shape.

I am seriously shaking, jerking, moving, quite violently at times; all involuntarily. And Frank just looks at me and asks, "Are you ok?" several times. To which I respond, "Couldddn't bbbe betttddter" with a smile. so now he starts to jerk with me. we laugh. Of course, to neither of us, it's really not so funny; but we must laugh at this, too. Where does the anger get us anyway? let's not go there.

As I'm desperately trying to keep my cool in the chair, which is quite stiff and making matters worse for me, I'm feeling every muscle from my right shoulder twinge and scream and writhe with pain, as the left leg is pulling itself up, and yet, I am trying to keep it down. I'm failing. Meanwhile, the monster in my head is getting it's own signal, and the nausea starts, the pain begins to throb on the right side of my head - I see the lady with the frying pan hitting herself - and I feel it hitting mine.. Now I am consumed. First with the twitching I can't stop, and now the pain in my head that is throbbing. Total control. I try so hard to gain some sort of control, breathing slowly and deep. Not working, I feel the chair becomming looser from the floor. I feel as if I'm going to fall backward in it. Quietly, I am talking myself down calmly - telling myself that somehow it's my fault. I'm doing it to myself and I can make it stop - but try as I might, I can't. I absolutely cannot make it stop. And then I feel a hand on my shoulder and I jump and my muscles are in an even higher level of despair.

He asks me to perform a few simple tasks, to which normally would be simple - but I am spastic right now; awkward, I feel like I'm in a body that is no longer my own. AGAIN. And I explain how long this has been happening, sometimes vaguely; but of late, more pronounced. (just get me out of this body that refuses to work! I'm too young for this!) He looks for someone who knows about "this type of problem." Oh no, not another problem! But this person is out.

Enter my 15 minutes of fame! Oh yeah. "I need to get this on tape!" Kidding right! Is what I'm thinking, but no, he's serious. And I understand why. ($100,000 Funniest patient videos!!!!) NOT. So, out comes the video, and away I go - and I couldn't help but laugh. Because, he said something funny; and because Frank was making jerky movements. Yeah, making fun of me. This was just too weird for me, but I did it. I even had my prettty high-step horse prance (minus the whinnie) although I was sooo tempted. Clutching Frank's arm for dear life, up the dreaded hallway ( that always sets me in great neurobarfarama) and then down again. High-steppin and prancing and all. (insert pretty horsey sounds)

A muscle-relaxant later, did make things calm down lst ight. Right now;however, I'm about ready to throw myself off the chair fromt he jerking. I guess time will tell, after a few tests what is going on. Nicholas started laughing at me at lucnh today, little stinker. I just warned him, and said, "careful, THIS could happen o you!" He stopped smiling. So I just started jerking him around and made him laugh.

This should make life interestng: Frank is having a little surgery tomorrow to have the battery changed in his pace maker. I get to drive!

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Shake, Rattle and Writhe

Shaking uncontrolably and looking more and more like a drunk when I walk. My muscles can't stand the pain from the twitching my body has been put through for the past three days. I try desperately to calm myself, but to no avail; my attempts fall short and I become more and more tense. My movements are large and awkward. They are tight and uncontrolled. I jerk and twist and writhe in pain as my muscles are struggling to find - what exactly?? Rest? I see the lights flashing, brighter and brighter each day, as they come. Friday, just a bit dimmer than Saturday; and Sunday like the sunshine, flashing in my peripheral field - bouncing back and forth. There but not. I could see what wasn't there. Today, the hot, cast iron pan hit me as I was walking in my awkward way. In my giant steps, like the pretty show horses, I couldn't hear the people around me any longer, only the sounds of IT coming, like a freight train, fast and furious. BANG! BANGG!! BANNGG!! IT hit me on the side of my head and face, so hard I sttopped moving and I couldn't see for a brief moment, only darkness and the sound of the freight train.

And then I twitch, and writhe some more. IT doesn't visit me only in my head anymore; IT has branched out further. I am being invaded by this Migraine I thought was to stay "in my head." IT is taking over me now. As I try desperately to write this, I am being tormented by the twitching of my muscles; the jerking movement, the unsteadiness I cannot control. I wonder, what will I lose control of next?

I wonder if there are anymore who have experienced this? I'm noticing it's worse if I hang my head down. Like when I'd look down, bend down, that used to get me dizzy, now I get THIS. I've morphed - wooo. Rather, it's morphing into something new and different, and I hate it. Dizzy wasn't as painful. I need to know if anyone else has had this 'wonderful' experience'. Hey, come along for the ride. Enogh for tonight.

Saturday, November 04, 2006

How to Grow Socks - 101

Not for the light-hearted. Due to the content of this here post, any and all persons with non-humor, sick stomachs, or ill minds; please click on back arrow and leave said post immediately. Please keep hands in at all times, remain seated and for the love of all persons with migraines around you, NO SCREAMING!

To my husband, children, dog, doctors, friends and guests who must enter my home, or basically anyone; and I mean ANYONE, who must endure the unfortunate mishap of reaching my parts, below the hip, above the ankle; from now until May 1, 2007; I hereby withdraw my participation in SHAVING of said legs due to unfortunate discontinuation of warmth in these here parts in and around my living conditions. I have decided, therefore, to grow instead, for purposes to maintain my own heating status, SOCKS, for my own comfort. I refuse to lather the wonderful aroma of shaving gel to said legs, and apply machete to my attributes for this time, as not to gouge, disarray, or cause unknown wear and tear to my new socks for this time trial. If you, in any way, see this as offensive, (I love you Frank, that you think it's sexy to grow socks - you weirdo), bite me, I mean, just you try this experiment yourself. I believe this may contribute to lower heating costs, insulation (pants, socks - you get the point), and basically, less soap and blades. No, I'm not feeling lazy. I hate being COLD! You hate the cold - so I say, we should all grow socks.

Anyone slightly interested, simply hang up your machete on your man's mantle, copy and paste this document to him. Sign. Simple as that. And then, just grow yourself what God intended you to have for winter; one extra piece of insulation - handgrown wooly socks. Don't forget to send pics of socks before the big shave off.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Friday Fun!!

Deal with me, this is what I'm calling it, it's my blog, all mine. I borrowed this from and I had to put all here:

The Office Game. Spice up your office with The Office Game -- pick two or three colleagues and agree to play The Office Game which awards points as follows:


Run one lap around the office at top speed.
Walk sideways to the photocopier.

Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.

When they're not looking, pour most of someone's fresh cup of coffee into your mug leaving them with an inch of brew.

Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.

Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."

To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.

While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.


Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it." - Double points if you do this to a manager.

Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.

Shout random numbers while someone is counting.


At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).

Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'.

Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two".

After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.

While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.

In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, all of you just shut up!"

In a colleague's diary, write in 10 am: "See how I look in tights".

Carry your laptop over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"

Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now"

Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it"

Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc.) during a very important conference call.

Tuck one pant leg into your sock and when queried, answer, "not now" and walk away.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Yes, I am out! Out of my mind, my gourd, out on disability. Why? You ask; well, because I DO participate with random acts of well, this type of humor and witt. I am (now I am hearing my friend Cesar) the, I am The Humor Whisperer! I rehabilitate idiots, I train the repressed!

Lastnight while at the ATM, I jumped for joy as it graciously handed me my winning jackpot! I also yelled, "I won! I won!" Oh, the faces of the confused on-lookers, wondering if I had a screw loose, or if I was unsure of what I was doing. The lady behind the counter stopped eating her dinner to see what I had won. She watched me in amazement - I, afterall, was thrilled to be winning the jackpot, running to the door with my prize! I wonder what she was left wondering. Did she go to the machine to see if she, too could win????

Yes, I am "out" - there. Ask anyone that knows me. Better yet. Go back a few posts, if you dare. I am out on disability; could it be because of Migraine Disease? Yes! Or, because I am depraved of a few normal brain cells? I'll never tell. Like Jack said, "I'm riding on Good Humor." or something like that. So if you have a bit of fun left in yourself, go for the big points, if not, at least try for a one-pointer - PLEASE!!!!! Let me know how it goes. Have fun.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

So I Woke Up On Grey Street

I did; and if you don't know where that is, I suggest you go get yourself some DMB! That is exactly where I woke up, and I'm thinking it could be, perhaps - NO, definitely - y e a h, definitely because of the slight lapse in dosage of my latest little flip of the med-change. So do I stay on this current wave of fun, or go back??? Stubborn, as I am. Oh, I am stubborn - stupidly stubborn; a huge portion of me, wants to be, dare I dream, drug-free. for what really? Mostly the unknown and for all intense purposes I suppose, for me, the unthinkable side-effects these drugs have had on my body of late and what they may or may not hold in the future. Because, who really knows what the combination of these drugs carries?

Ok, so that sounds like rambling. Back to Grey Street: At around 4am, thank you very much (NOT), in my, oh what and exactly where do we "see" IT really? The aura appeared. Quite beautiful I must add, looking like the scene of the old game, Centipede, the way IT was swirling IT's way through the maze of nothingness in my mind, or eyes or wherever IT was. IT had millions, seemed, of leg-like swirls with ITself, moving along, around and around, and I of course, was in my usual stupified 'awe' until I realized, much later naturally what was happening.

My aura are not like the typical aura that I read about. I read how most Migraine appear within 30 to 60 minutes after aura. This is not the case with me. I am NOT, in any way, shape or form - t y p i c a l. My aura comes, and when I am thinking perhaps it may not come at all, or I have forgotten about it happening entirely, about 6-8 hours later, BAM, I am suddenly nailed with it.

Now, yesterday, I had the subtle (yeah, right) needle-to-the ear pain I get that sometimes precedes these little attacks. Could this have been a precurser? Should I have been forwarned, or should I have known??? What is wrong with me? I mean, for crying out loud! I really ought to know by now - my own state of being when IT is coming. right? yeaaaaah. Getting back to the pretty, swirling centipede of my aura now; as IT was moving ITself along, the colors were flashing from
red to grey with each curl of the body. I know that doesn't make much sense, but there was sound, too. "Buzzz zzipp zzzzz" almost like the sounds my son makes when he's playing with his laser toys. I read an interesting article this morning here that I think anyone with Migraine, whether having aura or not should read. anyway . where was I??
confused now.

Ah yes, the confusion is now setting in with the nausea. Oh, and the chills. Isn't having Migraine Disease a little like having the stomach bug? Only on a much "grandeur" scale, if you know what I mean. I've been off of Topamax since April, and yet, for the life of me, I can't seem to get my hands warm for NOTHING!! What gives with that?! I thought, maybe, just maybe that was a nagging side effect I was going to shake! Not so lucky.

GOOD NEWS!!!!!! Evita is playing on HOD - ciao! Time to go watch Antonio, sit with the kids, make some cocoa - we do love musicals. AAAAhhhhh - Antonio. Now there's an abortive I can live with. Do you think Melanie would mind?? I know Frank won't mind, they can share cigars. But I think Melanie might have a problem here!