Monday, October 23, 2006

Stay or Go?

Yes, the times certainly are changing; as I look around me, everywhere I go, it seems so different. People are in such a hurry to go to where they are going. When I need to pull into my driveway, I am either beeped at, or flickered at with headlights. They rush around my car, eager to get by, why should they wait?? They must, MUST get to wherever they are going. And I am simply holding them up. How dare I. And dare I need to get OUT of my driveway; well, now I am simply an annoyance, they speed up, to let me know, it's not allowed, or beep at me, to tell me they are coming. This on a 35 mile per hour, residential street. Yes, it is a busy one; there is a park across the way. An elderly residential home is only 1/8th of a mile from my home. People walk their dogs, run, ride bikes on this street everyday, all day. But the drivers that take this route are unaware and could care less. I wonder, if they are as concerned in their own neighborhoods, of the same type of careless drivers. I've often wondered what it would be like to follow some of these drivers to their own homes and ask them. But in today's age, that is simply not done. Road rage, violence, guns and crime are against me now. I just pull into my driveway, or pull out, taking a chance, that it's ok. I'm not in a particularly dangerous neighborhood either. That's not to say that someone that is irritated with my needing to get in or out is going to be irritated with me anyway. It happens everyday. When my son's bus comes in the afternoon to pick him up, and the red lights come on to stop traffic, at lunch time no less, I'm a bit anxious, because the bus actually gets beeped at! And I'm actually hurrying my little guy along, because I'm fearful of people. I don't show it outwardly, but inside, my stomach is turning. What is the big hurry?? In traffic, it's funny, I see people in their ridiculous Hummers speeding past me, or their SUVs, racing to get to the red light ahead of me. Go ahead, waste your gas, idiot! We just sit next to each other. He gets 7-12 miles to the gallon, as I get 20-25. I smile, thinking, "you fool, are you able to make those ridiculous payments, AND fill your tank each week the way you drive?" And then I sit a few seconds to watch him take off at the green again, only to meet him at the next red. Fool. Yeah, he showed me. My step-son is in a Hummer, in Iraq, a vehical, using it for what it was intended. Amazing. Not a "status" symbol. Not raking our fuel economy a little more. But using it for what. it. was. in ten ded. Unfortunately. But it's being used for it's intention anyway. Today, I will take my chances and go to the Post Office to mail him a package. I guess I'm taking my chances in many ways nowadays aren't I. Post Office, my street. But that's is on my list for today; to drive out of my dangerous driveway and race to the Post Office. No, I don't have a Hemi, nor do I want one. Gas is way too overpriced, especially in NY - thanks to our gvt. Hey, it's election time, hmmm, I only wonder what that will bring???? ..................We had Lexi's party on Saturday, she is so sweet. It was at her house with the girls there,Frank and my kids, Aunt Terri and Amy, Aunt Jamie, Alyssa, Aiden, and then Frank's parents came. But of course, my own didn't even show up. I wasn't expecting them to really. I knew they wouldn't, that's pretty normal for them - not to be there for me and my kids. They weren't there for Christina's party either. There comes a time when you just need to cut ties. Or do you. Because I never really know what to do. The Bible tells me to respect them, which is very hard. They are a very judgemental and cold people to be around. The racial comments are a constant knock that I don't want to hear. Always present. Like a battering ram. I don't expect them to be with me when I need them; they never have been. Not when I've been sick, in the hospital. They weren't here for my husband or my kids. So am I to remain loyal? I really just don't know. When favoritism is thrown in your face, over and over, time and again through the years; to you put up with it, or walk away?I would desperately love some feedback here. I believe in some ways, they are ignorant to it. And then, I think they enjoy it. The criticism and rejection. As a parent, I don't understand the favoritism of one child, or two in this case over two others. And in the case of grandchildren, how mine are just, left out. They have become somewhat hardened to them, as I have. I'm not sure if they feel hurt anymore. I don't belive they do. More anger, especially since I've been ill; and they've seen the absence of them in my life. They were constantly asking why "they" weren't coming to the hospital or the house. I couldn't answer for them, I simply told them to ask "them." But they didn't even want to talk to them. Marisa did ask why they weren't at Lexi's party. They said they had the days confused. Except the party was on her birthday, making it easy not to be confused. But that's ok, really. Because the people that really mattered were there. The people that wanted to be there, were there. And those that chose NOT to be there, simply did just that. And really, that IS ok too. So, do I walk away? Respectfully.

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