Saturday, March 10, 2007

Colr me Stoopid

Now, if memory serves; wait - that's actually funny! Now for anyone that links here with Migraine Disease, think on that little bitty. Isn't it funny? If memory. serves?? Yeah.

Anyhoo. Once upon a time, I had a working, full-functioning brain. No, really I did. Honest. I'll tell you about it. I has a two-year old AND a job, at the same time. In today's terms for me - not either one would be slightly possible. At the same time. Seriously. But 16 1/2 years ago, it was all possible. I was able to hold down a real life job, doing real people stuff, with a thought process. My mind was moving all the time, and I could multi-task with a fully horrible boss. I helped to run his crazy medical practice. Believe me when I tell you he was both horrible to work for, and the place was crazy. But I loved my job. And I even really did enjoy working with him. He taught me a lot.

I was able to use skills in not only office; but in patient care and what became my absolute favorite - surgery. I loved being in the surgical suite. My duties in this practice were more than I'd use anywhere! I was in charge of the dreaded collection cases; and the not so dreaded hospital calls. There was never a day or time of day to be bored. There was always something to do. Whether it was insurance, or patients to deal with; it was great. My mind was working, active. Active. Wow, now there's something.

It was actually one of the other docs I worked with that changed my outlook in the medical field. He had thought I should further my career in the PA or NP fields. However, in my

marriage at the time, it wasn't possible. A definite NO was heard when the idea of furthering my education came up. But I always wanted or desired to pursue; and I did seek the PA training, and unfortunately at the time, the nearest school offering anything was Stonybrook. Too far for me. Oh, right . Then there was the NO from the bear at home. Truthfully, it was just as well, because I had Lexi, and she needed me more than I needed a career.

Another baby later, Cinderisa; and a new medical office brought on something entirely different for me. A whole new field of medicine, actually. Doctors, who, not only cared about their patients, but their staff. Which was a bit different than the tyrant I'd left - we had a crazy work relationship. I'd seen many girls come and go from that office, mostly crying. He craved chaos, literally. I would fight back; I guess it's my fighter instinct. But I finally had enough and left.

And at the time I'd been in this new practice for six months, I started to feel God telling me it was time to go home to be with my girls. I needed to be Mom. Just Mom. Nothing more, nothing less. When I brought that up with my husband, he was pretty adamant about me keeping my job.

And then, Lexi ended up with a broken leg at the sitters. And Marisa went into renal failure. I stayed on my job for the first week while she was in the hospital, being allowed to actually not go into work, but be with my daughter. And then, I had to quit. On my birthday, without asking my husband, I went into my supervisor; and I didn't even plan it out. They had already had a severance package ready for me. Hmmmmm. Imagine that.

It's amazing how perfect God's plans are when He puts them together. Now, of course my husband was less than happy. But as I saw it, I had two children; one who was multiply handicapped, with a broken leg. One in renal failure. As a Mom, my only choice really was to be just that - a Mom. And I have never looked back. I did exactly what my heart and my God asked of me. And my God provided.

I held the insurance for our family with my job. The severance package was this: my docs paid. in full. for the following three months. No kidding. Guess who got a better paying job that started WITH insurance on that third month? Yeah, him.

He got over being mad at me for a little while, he'd throw it in my face now and then. But I knew that I was needed at home. Just as any Mom out there knows when she is supposed to be raising her babies knows.

How, with a clear conscience, do you go to work the next day when your heart is telling you NO? Mine was telling me no. And I truly do understand that there are Mom's that cannot. I was not one of them. I was, and am fortunate to be able to be here for my children. I could not leave this child and look after sick patients. When I returned to the office to do so, the docs I worked for, asked me, "what are you doing here?" Like I was crazy. That was something I wasn't used to working for.

Two of them came to visit her. One of them being my favorite, the crochety scary one, who passed away just a few years ago. He tried to be so grumpy, but I looked at him like a Grandfatherly mentor. Yes, he was my favorite. I looked to the days to work with him. He was very interesting. I loved the way he interacted with his patients. And I would ask him to tell me of his own internship and how he became interested in medicine.

How was I supposed to leave her? I couldn't. I didn't. At that time, he and I thought we never would. We never dreamed we would be able to let her leave our sides of safety. Then puberty came and hit her, rather she hit me. But that's another story.

So memory once served me. In bits and pieces it comes back and plays tricks on me. The sad thing is this: I can't remember my anniversary date. I thought that Frank and I were married in May, but it appears we were married in June. I'm trying desperately to remember our date. I have been having to re-learn Christina's birthdate. My own daughter. That breaks my heart that I can't remember my daughter's date of her birth. It should be etched in stone along with my wedding date!

My girsl are asking me about things on a daily basis lately, and I just don't remember them happening. They are quite lengthy, especially when Marisa is telling of them. Nothing there for me in my mind. I do remember one neuro I saw telling me that memories will come and go. Some will never come back. There are some I'm waiting for.

I feel like a really unintelligent person. I don't remember things Frank tells, moments ago. Thankfully, I do write dates on the calendar; but there are things and spans of time that are just not there. Especially when my head pounds - time goes. I can't help my kids with their homework, because it's too difficult for me. That is hard to swallow.

There was a time when I was able to run my home and family. I am less than able now. My brain does not function at a normal level and it scares the crap out of me. It's not like I don't WANT it to, because I more than want my normal life back. I would love to be able to go to work again. My son will be in school a full day in September. My husband is in fear of losing his job because he is in the so-called "Big Three". That used to mean something. I wish I could help out financially, and I can't. I cannot even cook a meal for my family some nights. I have dust bunnies so big, they are considering moving, and I really wish they would.

What happened to the smart, functioning woman? I used to have some serious issues with OCD and I was a neat freak; and I still cringe at my own dirt,but it's not going away on it's own. I'm wondering how many others find themselves falling in this category. I certainly can't be the only one.

Oh, a little update on my visit with my doc; I have nothing left to try. NOTH. ING! So I get to go up 100mg on one of my current meds. I did lastnight. I woke this morning with a 7! Took 2 Toradol, and right now, I'm getting those little flashes of light and swirls thankyouverymuch. This after I got back out of bed with ice, again. And my mouth is numb. The good news is this: The infusion program will be up and running on the 19th. Goody gumdrops. So count me in for that. So someone please come up with something new because, quite frankly, I'm sick and tired of Migraine Disease!! Oh, I meant new drug, not new disease. I don't need that.

This really sucks - They are moving today! Good for them, bad for me. Best of luck to you guys. I am going to miss you soooooooo much. I love you all. Will so be praying for you.

Oh, I almost forgot, but unfortunately didn't. Imagine.. While getting on the elevator to leave the docs office yesterday, and i really can't believe I'm leaving you with this, but it's funny. First I must plant (funny word) the scenerio. In the lobby of the office is a snack shop. They have one of those hideous hotdog rolling machines that should, not only be banned from buildings, but obliterated from life in general. I have to walk in the building and elevator with my nose covered in my shirt or coat because the stench is unbearable. It just reaks of bad, burning hotdog. So, we get on the elevator, which stinks of said dogs. It's just me, Nick and Marisa. I had to, let one go. Ok. I let her rip. Like it was going to make any difference! Well, doesn't the stupid car stop on the next floor and pick up some guy. Naturally. So the door closes, and the mouth of Sir-Chat-A-Lot opens, "My Mom just tooted, you don't want to stand over there!"

He just looks at me and smiles. I smile back. What do you say? Thankfully the hotdogs saved the day. And that is what I leave you with


Harmonica Man said...

I gotta remember to blame the hotdogs next time I rip one in public. Or at least make sure I rip one next to a hotdog machine.

I can't comment on your memory loss and migraine pain since it's so out of my scope of comprehension that I can't even imagine the hell you're going through. All I can say is I sincerely hope someone can help you soon.

deborah said...

For sure! Please rip one next to the machine. Well deserved. I sincerely hate those machines. My daughter thinks your pigs are adorable by the way.