Your Tax $$ Hard at Work

And it just happens to be our Philip in action and his company. Frank was lucky enough to find these pics over the internet lastnight, and I'm just not going any further with information. But we have some pics of our Philip and his brothers at work. Our stomachs and smiles are - how can I even explain right now??????

Whatever your stand right now, or mine, having a loved one so far, far away, and knowing that for a fleeting moment that he is - exhaling - safe, is just so refreshing.

We pray daily, nightly for his safety, and for his safe return. To see him, I just can't give details. To see the others he works with that we've talked to, that Frank has met, that I have met; it is like seeing your own flesh.

Please say a prayer for these men and women today. Did I mention, when he called two weeks ago, the temp there, 130 degrees!!!

Wishing you a pain-free weekend.

Deborah

dreams and decisions

This is what I've been lacking. Not the puppy, but sleep. again. I toss, I turn, look at the clock, ignore the clock. Last night I grabbed my fan, hoping that the feel of the breeze on my face would help. it didn't. Over and over I turn, begging and pleading for the sleep to hit or to just drift into it's soft and dark place. But each day, the sun rises without sleep. I've lost count since the last slumber.

And with that, of course, brings the dreaded migraine. Which I've just been dragging behind me actually, kind of beating back like a rabid animal. A vicious circle going around and around.

Such is the life of a Migraineur. Today, I get some much-needed Melatonin and get some sleep for tonight. Which leads me to a conclusion:

After much prayer and going over it with my family; I have decided NOT to go back to school. Seriously, it's not like I'm going back at 22; I'd be going back after some 22 years since I've been in school. And really, it's okay with me.

Because these are the faces that depend on me. This is the job I have been doing and doing well for 20 years. And though my husband supported my dream, and would to the end, and still says so; it is even more reassuring to know that he prefers to have me just as I am. I am just sure there are some out there who would never get that; but I need only answer me, my Lord and my family really.

My little guy said to me, "Mom, why do you want to go to school? You're a MOM!!" But it was when he was asking me if I was going to be here for him when he got on and off the bus, or to help him with his homework and play with him that it really hit me. It's not about me. I am still a Mom. That is what I've been and really always wanted to be. It's who I am.

Right, then there's that little issue of the, oh how shall I put it??? non-stop pain that comes crushing like a bolt of lightning - KAPOW - top of the head. with the burning beam forcing it's way out the eye. Can't forget that. with a side of no sleep. Just a few things to take into consideration.

Memorial Day. A day to remember those who have sacrificed. Sacrificed. Their dreams, their lives, their hopes, families; so that we may remain free. But for how long? Open your eyes, America. The next Bilderberger meeting is about to take place in June. In our nation's capitol. Just google the name for yourselves.

Freedom is never free. The soldier and Christ are the only ones who lay their lives down for you. Whom do you trust today?

God bless you all. I wish you all a pain-free day.

Deborah

Fooled Again

I should've known...but no, ignorance got the better of me. That would be ignoring the little factors that came into play; the worms that woke up with me, swirling in my vision. Swirl. Swirl. swirl. The dizzy way I tumbled to the potty, tripping over my own feet. Realistically, this is something I've become accustomed to over my life, trip, dance in the not so traditional way mind you, but get there. Grace, was the name I took as a child for well, obvious reasons.

There was this stupid point in the day when (it was OF COURSE, raining), I said to Frank, "I'm surprised I haven't gotten nailed yet today with a migraine." And that is where I should have just pulled up my leg and inserted my foot, shoe and all, into my mouth. Up to that point, I'd had an enormous amount of energy, hmm, yeah I know another hint, ignored.

We had been running from one store to another; and let me just take a big leap back here, the weather on let me see, today is Thursday so that makes the day prior to .... ok Tuesday had been sunny and dry, just to set the record straight for ya'll. And then the typical wet and cold crapola weather we have here IN MARCH OR APRIL!!! came. yesterday. it's still here. it is the end of freaking MAY. This whole "Global Warming" crap. It's crap. Don't buy it. Seriously, research some documentation in real history. another day. sorry.

oh my brain is sooooo not functioning where am I?? So, weather changes. aura. big store with the lighting that sets me OFF. And another store, and another store. And more running and more running, in Frank's car; not my van, which is higher up off the road making it easier for my tummy to adapt to the road noises and feelings. riiiiight. Now, I'm nauseaous and having the pinging in my ear, I'm car-sick, the lighting in Best Buy, Staples and Wegmans has totally killed me. Lest we forget the weather that has been dumped upon us. I feel as though I am slowly fading out and the need to puke my guts out is coming on strong. Thankfully, I have my trusty Zofran with me. Down 8mg with a Coke, which I had because of the sudden exhaustion I had come on in Staples.

Get me home get me home get me home. I need my bed, my pj's my dark curtains drawn tight. oh and my Toradol. Here comes the spike through my skull. The monster starts to eat it's way out through my eye; I can feel the heat, burning and pulsating my eyeball, while the spike is stabbing and stabbing and stabbing my skull. The screaching of the train is so loud in my ear it hurts; piercing and poking it's way through a tunnel, louder and louder, stronger and longer.

Frank is saying something, I can barely understand him through the sounds the monster is making. Now the blinking light is making sound; a screaching shrill, like glass screaming it's way on a chalkboard. What does it want? Why does it come so fast and furious? Will it leave the same way? I am so cold. My fingers, my nose. so very, very cold.

Home. finally. get to the bedroom. oh, my pajamas. my bed. I'm so exhausted. draw my curtains. make it go away. Lord, make it go...

Something Old is New Again

Remember these pretty pieces a few posts back? Well, after a few coats of paint and some fresh, new pillows and some new fabric, they have been reborn..... For some odd reason, Bosco seems to think they have been done for his sole benefit, after much rolling in DIRT. UGH!!

Well, good thing I've had patience and love for this big boy AND extra fabric to lay over my cushions.

Ok, look;
the chair. The plantar, I found at another sale for a mere $2 and painted it to match the fabric. I can't wait to put some plants in it to match the pillows. I'm thinking some pretty yellow petunias and bright pink to pick up the pink that you can't see in the picture.

For those of you who have sat or visited our porch in the past, you may notice something different; the railing. We had the brick wall knocked down. It was falling apart anyways, so we just helped it along. The brighter color showing, is approximately 2 1/2 feet of more room we've been given. More room for my pretty new furniture.

Which brings me to this:

I know, I know; it looks just awesome. And it is just amazing how comfortable it is. Now if the weather here would just WARM UP, we could actually sit out there, have a glass of wine and enjoy.

I was originally going to use them in my new gazebo; but they look so pretty and inviting on my porch. However, I have been known to change furniture around and around and around, so we don't really know where they may end up. Frank is afraid they'll be stolen; but for today, I like where they are.

I'd like to thank my friend, Judy, for inspiring me to continue my dream; you have no idea the magnitude! Thank you. (oh, and seriously, you should tell Dan the $300 thing)

Frankie, for never busting my bubble - you are the best. Today, I take my placement test. scary. It has been 20 years since I've taken a test. Here goes.....

wishing you a painfree day
deborah

Addicted

My new toy has become an addiction. I was told, by Frank just moments ago, that I spent all of my waking hours today on it. I did crash for a much needed nap around 3:30, as learning about all of the new and interesting hardware is exhausting.

The picture is amazing. I have been having so much fun viewing beautiful blogs that I love. It's incredible what I've been missing on that big old monitor that we just gave to the kids. which we are now rethinking, and considering getting them a flat-screen. Frank's new screen - wow, totally beautiful. We've neglected our eyes for far too long. Maybe this is part of my migraines. I don't miss the flickering of the big bad screen. This has no flicker AT ALL. Just superb clarity.

And the desk space he has now! ooooh weeee. For me, my desk is now my lap and I love it. I no longer need to switch from his identity to my identity on the main computer. He has his computer, I have mine. Mine has my own email. And now the kids have their own computer for homework. And the ever-needed MP3 players. Something I don't own, don't look at owning. I guess I'm still stuck on my CD players; home and car. just call me old school. He did ask if I wanted an ipod, but, I don't really get it to be honest. And, it's just one more thing to learn to adapt to.

Today, I will be meeting with the admissions counselor at my local university. We have eliminated one school altogether for cost purposes. The tuition for which I am seeking, vs the other schools in the area was, well more than twice as much. And it it didn't offer anything more as far as a degree, etc. Soooo, buh bye.

Thank you for the positive feedback by the way. So far, I've only had one negative response, which I don't pay too much attention to. Oh alright, I'll share it with you, you've twisted my arm.

I told a 'friend' of mine I was planning to go back to school, and she has been a friend for 20+ years, so she's seen me go through it all, her response was; "how are YOU going to work?" Ouch. Boy that was snide

It was also the last time I spoke to her - yeah, shocker. I know. This has been a long, long time coming. It's not the first remark or incidence that has come up. It's not the only one that has come up to me, they come to my husband and my kids as well. And yet, for years, I remained the faithful friend to a toxic friendship.

So what do you do when you see the friendship come to the inevitable toxic end? Send a card? Leave it alone, and stop calling altogether? How does one go about abolishing the toxic so-called friendships and/or relationships we have in our lives? Is there a right or wrong way to do it? Should I send a letter to Miss Manners and ask her opinion? NOT!

For now, I'm just leaving the friendship. Taking a sort of vacation, if you will. My husband has been reprimanded for - let's see now, how shall I put this, speaking to her daughter on PTSD in my home. Her boyfriend is away in Iraq and she was talking to Frank about Philip. She had been asking him how he was doing, and Frank was asking the same. A very mild conversation between the two of them. Frank had mentioned a book he has been reading on PTSD for parents and loved-ones of war vets; and had asked if she'd be interested in reading the book.

Anyhoo; the next day or so, he tells me of this phone call he gets from this 'friend' who ripped him a new butt hole for bringing her daughter (mind you, she is a young adult who lives on her own) to tears about the conversation. And how she's already told him "about this conversation once already" - you know, because he needs to be spoken to like a four-year old.

He has been so very nice and patient with her. He just listened very calmly; how, I don't know. Oh, wait I almost forgot. She mentioned how she has been a professional and worked with PTSD. Kill me now someone.

So, my question again is this; how do you deal with toxic friends? This is the same person, who when I was in a hospital 800 miles away, was supposed to be taking loving care of my children. BUT instead, they tell me, was using them as her personal little maids. My littlest girl was gathering her dirty laundry while she was supposed to be getting on the bus; and was late for school. She still brings this up. The dirty laundry part especially. This part I've neglected to bring up to her, and I'm not sure why really. Maybe embarrassment.

Enough. It's time for me to get ready for my interview. Wish me luck.

deborah

Contemplation

My baby is now a first-grader; which puts him in school for a full day. (Yes, I do realize this is the end of the school year and most kids are just finishing up right now. work with me here) Regardless, baby, in school all day. Just like his sisters.

Frank is now home. He has been retired. I am no longer, thankfully, in the terrible shape I was in Migraine-wise just a few short years ago. I still get them, I know I probably always will. So here's my thought:

I want to go back to school. My husband supports me, thinks it's a great idea to follow my dream; but I am terrified! I know I can do it, and I am excited, and yet there is still this fear in me. Maybe it's because I'm no longer 20 or 30 something, and returning to school. My kids think it's great, so why the fear?? The unknown, maybe? It is exciting, I must say, as we take each little step and see how God will choose to either open or close the door for me.

Did I mention that he's tossing around the idea of returning also? How cool, huh. So for anyone who suffers from the depths of Migraine hell and is also new to my blog; I'd like to say this: I thought at one time I was never going to get better. That my life was forever to be ruled by the beast, because it was, rather I was feeling robbed and overwhelmed by it.

But there really is hope. I did find a wonderful doctor, I was very fortunate. I know of some who are not so; who still struggle, physically and financially, to find that perfect doctor. The one who will help them with the perfect meds. Who will listen. But, when you finally find that ONE who can do just that alone, wow, listen!! Take the time to just listen to you, isn't it just amazing?? When you find the right specialist, the right doctor, have patience - both of you - it takes time for the right mixture of the right medications to work. And they will.

I never believed it would happen to me. Here I am, looking into returning to school! When I told my parents lastnight, I was a little hesitant. I was afraid of ridicule or laughter from them. But instead, they were happy for me and thought it was a great idea. Whoa! At first, though, I must say, my Dad did mention to me he thought I'd go back into Sign Language Interpretation. But it's not my dream, and that is what I told him. So he told me to just go for what I needed to do.

I have a sign hanging in my bathroom, that has been nagging me. Here, let me show you:

I'm supposed to be making phone calls today. I haven't done much of anything, but post this here post. I have been neglecting my site, my email, all things computer-related lately.

OOH, my wonderful husband bought me a laptop for Mother's Day. Now I can post pretty much anywhere. Like on my deck, porch, or school, HA. That sounds funny. If the wind would stop blowing, I could finish painting my wicker set.

These:

But I'm not telling anymore until they're finished. I have got SO much to do.

I hope you have a wonderful day. And by the way, for all you Beautiful Mom's out there, Happy Mother's Day.

Deborah

Blogging Blondism

Sometimes I am just amazed at the things this beautiful child utters. Let's take yesterday, for instance.

Her: I'm praying I don't get my period for Virginia Beach this year.

(a little side-note, we ARE going to take our vacation this year and go. on. vacation. TO our condo on Virginia Beach. NO MATTER WHAT!)

Me: Well, that's a pretty good thing to pray about. It would suck to have your period on vacation.

Her: Did you ever have your period there?

Me: Um, yeah, the first year we went down; it sucked. It was hot!

Her: (note the blondism) Well, at least you get to use a CONDOM when you have yours.

Now, up until this point the two of us were making dinner; I walked away from her, to the deck where Frank was cooking the chicken and repeated, word-for-word, the conversation we had just had.

This child is our High Honor Roll student and will be in 10th grade math next year. She will be entering the 8th grade. Amazing wonderment, don't you agree. Kind of like an oxymoron in a way.

Frank keeps asking her if she's cheating at school. When she came down the stairs this morning; she told me she had a dream that she had a such bad grades that she was a Toilet Plunger as a job role. Would that be Plungerer??? I'll ask her.

My life is getting more and more interesting every day. We have a former 80's Rock n Roller living next door to us. No kidding. Matter of fact, his band was so hot in Europe, he's "famous" there to this day. Very nice guy. This world is just getting so small.

Funny, his girlfriend keeps blurting out at him, "Big Hair 80's Rocker!" and it's funny. She is a riot. And she is a wardrobe changer and personal assistant to the spoiled. Very interesting stories abounding in my backyard deck area.

Oh, I failed to mention; he was the drummer, which makes Cinderisa very tickled. Nick just gets a kick out of him because he's sweet, funny and throws a football with him. And he made Frank run, which he's never seen.

gotta go now, Frank is fully retired and HOME. every. day. of my life now. sucking my energy. calling my name. so, I am going to back to school.

ciao

Deborah

An Extremely Short Post

Although, I'd much much MUCH rather be gawking at Antonio this evening, and I won't; I am sure to be completely blown away by the performance of Evita here in my own home town. (Did I mention I'd love to see Antonio perform?)

Getting myself ready for this. Have already sent my pic to Frank three times singing, "Don't Cry For Me, Argentina" on the cells. Oh, and have been belting out the song quite well, I must say, to my children and to Frank, the dog - who makes the most amazing ear movements when I do. I think they are thrilled for me, and believe I could too sing with the star of the show, AND out-shine Miss Britches herself, Madonna.

DON'T CRY FOR ME, ARGENTINA!!!!!!!!!






This picture here is for my ex-husbands new wife. The super wicked step mother of the year award goes to::::::::::::: HER. More to follow. On another blog. For now, I really do have lots of things today that I must accomplish before I get to outshine the singer tonight.

DON'T CRY FOR ME............