at this bizzare child of mine
Should you drive with a migraine? Rather, do YOU drive when you haven't been able to get away from your current raging case of the beast? What happens when there is no alternative? When you have to bite the bullet?
It's a very scary task, indeed, in my life. In all reality, and in all all seriousness, I try my best to stay away from the road when I'm feeling like I have been. With the exception of lastnight, the last time I remember driving, wow, I can't! It's been a long time. Weeks, perhaps 3, maybe 4. I think it may have been Delta Sonic. OOOH.
Anyway; Frank went to get Rocco with Marisa and dropped Nick off at AWANA on his way. He figured he might have time to pick him up on his way home, but he didn't. So, Christina and I set out for him. A very interesting ride, indeed.
You know it's going to be fun when you can't decipher the red/green differential at the light. Hmm, stay or go? Ever been in that dilemma in a migraine? It totally blows. But I needed to get my son; "Focus, Deb. G G G green is go." That is what the voice in my head was saying.
Oh the fun of it all. We get behind a schoolbus, that drops bags as it turned into our lane. So, naturally, it stopped traffic,to retrieve the said bags; which doesn't bother me, but irritates the fast-paced life of the man 3 cars behind me. He feels the need to fly by me, on the left, in the wrong lane, to get to his little life that can't wait.
What is UP with people? Everyone is in such a hurry. And not a nice hurry, a MAD hurry. This was a school bus, that dropped school back packs; and kids got off to pick them up. And here is this mad man flying up the middle of the lane, 20MPH zone by the way, and he wasn't going no 20MPH; no wonder kids are shooting at each other. Well, that and the lack of God in their little lives. Another post.
I made it to church to pick up Nicholas, luckily. But, I now have to go to, yeah, I still have to go to somewhere else. The store.
This is the time [Migraine time] when I can't put a complete thought together without strain. You wouldn't believe me if I told you how long this post took. A migraineur will. Decision-making, forget it. I just look to whomever is with me, literally, and tell them to decide for me; because I am unable to make a decision at this very moment.
There are those of you out there who know exactly what I'm talking about. Frank calls it my "Kid in the candy store syndrome." I will go to the store with him, we'll separate, he will fill his cart, he'll come back to where I was standing, and I'm still just standing and staring. Nothing in my cart. Can't decide what I want, or really, what I was there for. It would be easier if the product would just speak for me, or to me. I am, afterall, there for the listening.
He used to get angry and/or frustrated; thankfully, now he just sort of goes with it. Takes my hand, smiles or laughs and tries to make light of it. Lastnight; however, I dragged Christina with me. I needed someone. Unfortunately, we had Nicholas with us. Not a good thing. He was powered up with the Holy Spirit. Not really. He was just powered up!! I was like a kid in a candy store, he was like a kid on candy - and Christina, well, she had to play the part of parent. At 12. Poor kid.
Me, "What are we here for?"
12yr old parent; "We need bread, blah blah blah da da da ta ta da ada dddd dee dee dee dee d dzzzzzzzzzz"
Well, that's pretty much what I heard once I got into the store with it's ultra violet lighting; it set off the rockets red glare sound effects in my stinking EARS!!
I KNOW, WHY DON'T THEY MAKE A MIGRAINE SAFE SHOPPING AREA!!!! huh, why not?? Is it so much to ask???
She also needed to get her "things" for her science project. (Oh, now I had to think)! ribosomes? protoplasms? fava beans, .......
Lest I forget to mention, the sweet little man, the very powered-up little guy that I have been missing during the day, yeah that one. I don't miss him in the grocery store. Matter of fact, I desire my own time in the grocery store most times. This is not one of them. Tonight power boy is not himself either, no no, he has decided to be "Canihav," and I am not sure I like this child so much.
As in: Speed talk powered up, mind you, "Mom, canihav?" holding up box of Cocoa Crispi's.
"No, Nick. I'm buying the Apple oatmeal you asked me to buy AND the waffles."
"MOM, canihav?" now he's flashing eyebrows and smiling at me with bag of goldfish.
"No. Please, Nick, let's go. I got these." Pointing to yummy bananas. mmmmm
"Mom, canihav?" shows me Airheads. and says, and this is cute. "I'll LET you buy my sisters one!" and flashes more smiles and eyebrows.
"MOM!! canihav a balloon? canihav gum? canihav candy?"
To the shampoo aisle. "Please just pick me a shampoo and let's get out of here!" that was me.
And after what seemed like an eternity, we made it to the car, Frank's car, which I don't normally drive. Now, it's raining. Of course it's raining. It's also dark. Two things which make it very hard to drive. for me anyway. We get it loaded up, get in. I start it and notice that the brake light is on. Weird. So where is the brake release? I turn the inside lights on, which, of course are not nearly bright enough to display leg area. Nice. I feel a lever, oh, this must be it, I pull and hear a click. Hmmm, light doesn't go off. Which means, the hood just opened. Great! I feel yet another lever. Yep, pull, and presto, light off. Yippee freakin' doo. The blonde (which she is now) is laughing at me. I would be, too. Get out of car, in the pouring rain, slam stupid hood. Off. we. go.
7pm, yeah - 7 P! M! I kept looking at the clock wondering if it was correct. They were out washing the dirty dog; and by dirty, I am so totally underestimating that word. When they picked him up, apparently, the whites of his paws did not exist. AND they forgot the camera. So no pictures of Sweetie. Cinderisa's fault. She got to wash him at the dogwash while Frank filled the van for me. But because it was raining, he didn't get it washed. That may happen today. I sure hope so, because they said he smelled like poo. I will not get in my van with any smell. ANY. SMELL.
I have been carrying a Febreeze bottle with me lately because of my head. The little tree dangling air freshners are too strong for me right now. But the Febreeze, I can handle that. If I start gagging at something, I just spray it. In fact, I've actually been sort of toting it from van to house now that I think of it. Sick.
Well, my attempts at infusion have been a failure, so I'm going to try the cryo procedure again. I'm scheduled for the 22nd, and I just don't know if I can even hold on that long. The new med was helping me sleep until about 4 this morning when this boulder hit me square in the face. It's been slamming me over and over and over overoverover and over since. I'm sure some of it may be due to the weather?? Although, we did have great weather last week and it was like this. I just don't know.
Hoping you have a painfree day
There's a place where I have journeyed,
When my life has been a mess;
Where rocks and thorns and serpents dwell,
Where I feel such emptiness.
And all around me; grief and woe,
And pity upon my soul,
I'm at my lowest place in life,
A deep and dark black hole.
The Valley, yes, that's where I am,
When feeling dark as night;
But if I simply raise my eyes,
Drink in the Heaven's sight;
I see the beauty all around,
That His hands made for me:
And I remember how He loved;
He died to set us free.
I'll never know the pain my Lord
Had suffered for my sin,
But my sadness simply vanishes,
When I think of the cross and Him.
Somehow, the Valley seems to have
A healing sense for me,
And I learn each time to look around
At the wonderous , great Valley.
I wrote that in June of '97; and I'm not sure if I've posted this poem or not. Regardless, I'm using it for self-help, so to speak. Again. Funny how the Lord can minister to us, and then tap us on the shoulder, and remind us with his boot in the behind, (humor) that He's still there for us. No matter what.
So maybe you're in a valley, on the bottom; look up and around you. There really are some pretty sights to behold. I can allow myself to get down in my constant agony of pain, which it is, but today, I enjoyed the colors of my gorgeous Mums. Delightful. I know, trivial, isn't it! Don't you wish you could be me!? Just wait until you see the pictures. I know you want to.
Time to fling a rubberband at the sleeping kitty.
Well, I did live through Friday. Thankfully. Although, it was extremely loud. I knew that going into it; but it was well worth it. I'd go again. And again, and again.
Naturally, no cameras were allowed, and even if they were, my battery had up and died just before we left the house. I wanted to get pictures of everyone dressed up for the night. Hey, it usually only happens on Sundays for church; so for us ALL to be dressed up on a Friday night was something, well, very nice.
We headed out to dinner before the show, all dressed up, looking good and trying desperately to stay that way. Surprisingly, we did.
Red Lobster; sea food for all but Cinderisa who ordered chicken fingers. Go figure, the 15 year old orders chicken. Nicholas orders crab legs, as did Christina. Not Marisa, but the 6 year old did. I was truly second-guessing this, but he ate them.
My sweet little 6 year old; ah yessh. This little guy has been waiting for the Phantom. Everyday, for the past few weeks, he has been asking "When are we going to see the Phantom?" Every. day. It has been going on since we bought our tickets in May that we told him we were going to see the Opera.
You wouldn't think a child of his age would be so interested in a performance such as this, now would you? Well, he is. He received the movie for Christmas from us/Santa, and he has loved it since. He knows the songs and the story quite well. I knew he would enjoy the show.
I just didn't realize I would be "SHUSSSSSH"ed through it by him. Oh yeah, his little pointer finger on his lip and all.
"Nick, can you see, OK?" Because he was upset that a man sat in front of him.
"Are you enjoying the show?" Me with big intriguing smile, you know genuinly wanting to knwo.
(Frank) "Buddy, wanna sit on my lap?"
"Do you like it, Buddy?"
"Buddy, watch the..."
"SSHHHHH, Frank, I'm trying to watch!!"
Ok, so he was just enjoying the show, already. He didn't miss a trick either. We didn't need to point out ANYTHING. He saw them on the catwalk. He knew the gendarme was in front of us; we were only 3 rows back from the stage. A little too close for comfort maybe. But great for the costume detail. And awesome for the kids.
Marisa, of course, during the intermission, had to check out the pitt. She was awed by it. Loved it, can't wait to go to college. YEAH!!!!!
Unfortunately for Christina, this night proved to be somewhat yucky for her. She left the house feeling under the weather. Her dinner, she didn't want to eat, and she wasn't in the mood for the show; both of which she had to endure the company of anyway. Dreadful for her, but in the longrun, she enjoyed.
As for the volume of the performance, I have a strange feeling that Nicholas will, unfortunately, follow my demise of migraine. The poor kid was forever covering his ears. Just a strange feeling, and some other things he's said to me. I know Marisa will, as she already has headaches with her periods. How can they not?
On Saturday, we ended up just lounging around, wasted, and watched "Flushed Away" which was cute. I felt flushed away. Took a nap, and now seriously don't remember the rest of the day.
Tomorrow, I start round 2 of infusion for another 3 days. please, oh please oh please work this time!!
Yesterday, my house was cleaned. Not by me, or my kids, or by Frank. Well, he paid for it. He had it cleanedFOR me; isn't he great! Let's face it, I'm spoiled - rotten. I haven't been able to keep my house the way I used to, SO, he has decided that it's time to just GET someone to do it for me.
At first, I'll admit, I was very reluctant, because, it's not an easy thing to give up anything. It's been hard for me to give up the ability to go back to work, which I was only able to maintain just a few short years ago. Well, that's not even a remote possibility.
I've been a stay-at-home Mom for a long time, so working was new to me, and I enjoyed it. Again. Then, I got nailed harder than ever before with the migraines. I mean, I always had them, and was able to just manage them, or so I thought. Not so much anymore.
Now, not only can I NOT work outside of my home, but I'm finding it hard to keep the work IN my home up. Now that in itself is a much harder struggle for me. That is the stuff I never had a problem managing. I could deal with the work thing; but not this. Because there is just too much at stake here in my home. This involves my family.
My love of cooking, and gardening are things that are taking a toll on me lately. Things that I used to enjoy, drain me of energy. They cause me such pain and such heartache, that sometimes I wonder if they are really worth the effort it takes to make them worth the effort at all. But then I see the wonder they produce; or I smell them baking or roasting, or my children know the name of their flower or herb when I ask them to retrieve it from the garden. It is then that I know, yes, it is so worth my energy, my pain, and oh yes, it worth the time it takes to struggle through to make the effort worth it all.
I am reminded that I have Parsley and Oregano, Rosemary and Thyme in my garden that needs harvesing. I have Mums that need planting. I have little gourds I am watching with Nicholas and the girls, as they get bigger each day. Our white pumpkins, 4 in all, are now in the lawn for decoration. I now know where we'll put our pumpkin patch for next year. Our white pumpkin patch. I may not be able to garden like I did 10 years ago, but my children have a passion for gardening; and they didn't just wake up with it. It was instilled in them, from my passion. So they will grow it with me. As they always have.
Wishing you all painfree days.