Friday, January 26, 2007

Why Cant.......

Why can't I wake up in the morning, like TV people do, and look fresh and wonderful? Perky and made up? (Oh, the perky part, I was talking about boobs!) Insert an old saying, "Here today, gone tomorrow," don't know why it just suddenly popped in my head without warning, just did . Maybe it's because as I look down, I see..... my lap. No boobs. Nothing. reality sucks there girls. I want to see my favorite soap star, you know the pretty perky bitch one in like, 15 YEARS AFTER 4 KIDS WHO SUCK HER DRY!!!! Why can't they just ONCE have them 'wake up' with their mascara smudged and messy hair and pale-faced? In pajamas that don't necessarily match? Or in sweat pants. Old. Ugly, worn-out and torn with paint stains and puke marks on them or something. SOMETHING REAL! next...

Why can't they advertise with an actual slob person on work-out equipment that looks like they need it? Like me for instance? I actually look like I need it. Someone who hasn't been spending quality time IN a gym or a tanning salon; but pasty white, kinda dry from the winterness (someone wiki that for me). Someone who perhaps, hasn't had the $$ to shell out to a personal trainer beat them over the head with harsh insults to diligently work with. You know the type, you're sitting here reading this; just look at yourself. You disgust me! Oh, sorry, I was talking to myself again. So really, what gives with that?? Why the toned, and tanned, oiled up super bodies? Makes me want to eat, no STARVE myself!!!!! BLAHHHHHHH.

Why can't we get rid of these ridiculous "reality" (yeah, OK) shows like Maury and the like. Get this crap off the air, put something decent on for a change, something that makes me want to grab a kleenex, not a sledgehammer. (Note: I do NOT watch said shows.) I remember the good old shows like, here we go: The Waltons, or Family, remember I Love Lucy? Oh whatever.

Why can't stupid beauty products do what they say they do? If I buy shampoo that says it's going to straighten my tight curly hair, shouldn't it? Or, if I buy gel, that claims to 'dazzle them,' shouldn't someone be freaking dazzled?? I'm certainly not! I'm noticing lately, I have too many shampoos, conditioners and products that claim to do, but do NOT what their supposed to. What's a queen to do? I don't have the time energy oh crap I just plain don't want to spend anymore time than I need to in front of the mirror. I don't want to spend time working out either. Boo hoo.

Bippity Blogity Boo. I want my Fairy stinking Godmother to pop into my life damn it! And grant me my wish! When do I get MY WISH??

Why Can't makeup STAY ON ALL DAMN DAY!!!!!!!!! I know this falls under the"whole product that claim to do" thing, but really; make up! For what it costs, and it does say, and I quote "everfreakinglasting" ok, not the freaking part, but you know what I mean, it doesn't last. At all. Not even for a little long. And dare I apply a little darker, I get that Tammy Faye look about me. Not such a good look. I'm of the darker shade of pale white paper, white. Ivory, is dark for me as far as concealer goes. And for the wackiest reason, must be the Indian in the bloodline somewhere, when I do venture into the sun, I do get a rather bronzing effect. But because I hate the heat, and the sun, I'm a shader.

Anyway, the makeup thing - I'm suggesting something a bit more lasting in the "long-lasting" arena. I just can't keep buying the stuff. I walked thru the makeup aisle again today, and was just amused by the prices. and again, didn't buy a thing. Still need to. Didn't. I'm eager to try the new mineral stuff out there, but haven't. Wondering, does it stay on? all day? really??

While we're on the makeup thing, in the ads,why can't they stop airbrushing? We all know they do it. Why not just show us what the make up really looks like when it's applied!

Why can't the price of gas go down as fast as it went up? nuff said

Why can't women appear as distinguished as men do with lines. Why do the so-called beauty experts need to remind us that our little lines need to be relinquinshed. As a matter of fact, I believe I've earned mine. All two. (ahem)

Why can't Sally Field be real in her stupid commercial about how her "friend" who has to "set aside time ONE DAY EACH WEEK JUST TO TAKE A FREAKING PILL FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!!" ok, ok, end quotes. Know what, Sally, you should see MY pill case! For Migraine DISEASE!!!!!!!! I have to set aside time, everyday, four times a day, just to take these pills. Not to mention the day I need to set aside to set up this awful preparation kit. You wouldn't believe how confusing it is to make sure I get them right; what with 5 different meds and 2 herbals, and a multi-vitamin. It's confusing. It takes me about 20 minutes. Ok, two times a day here; and three times a day there; here a lunch, there a bed, this one is just morning......

Bite me, Sally! I also have my 'to-go' container I need to make sure is full. just in case I'm not home when I need them. Make sure my abortives are in there in the event of Migraine attack while I'm out. Let's not forget the never-ending confusion that goes along with the Migraine Disease! And the short-term memory loss. This can make refilling our pill containers, interesting? Let's not forget the never-ending confusion that goes along with the Migraine Disease! And the short-term mem. wait, did I already say that? Never mind. Bite me Sally, just BITE ME!!!! One day a week, Puleeeeeeeeease!

Why can't the stations on the tv get their volume problems in synch? It's not enough that I'm tightly wound, (shocker, right) but when I change the stations, do I need to get screamed at? Literally screamed at, and it's usually none other than Billy Mayes! Or Tony Little, running his rather large carcass too fast and furious on some stupid piece of machinery I'm never going to buy.

I sit and watch a program on one station, too low, turn up the volume. Commercial comes on, and by the way, there are way too many commercials on. way too many commercials on tv. Not enough of my show time, but plenty of commercial time. So I change to one of my fav channels, just to be blown off the couch because there he is, legs going too fast, mouth screaming at ME, eyes wide like he's been back stage shooting steroids. Idiot. Now, my heart is racing, so basically I don't need his stupid equipment, I just got a great workout. I've never gotten off the couch so quick in all my life!

But wait, I turn the station again, and there is none other than Billy boy, wanting to change my life with some cleaning product I just CANT' LIVE WITHOUT!!! This has been my cardiac workout. Now for a little stress release; hmmm, what to do?? Where is that DOG?

So why can't I look like the Victoria Secret model I bought my bikini from? I was promised a certain lift to another dimension. Did I get it? Oh yeah, I got a lift alright, in finance and shipping charges. But as far as the push-up, whatever. I guess I'll use the duct tape like she uses. They forget to mention that little part in their clever ad. Can you just see it; "this model has not been genetically or surgically altered, but has been set gently together by adhesive measures. Do not try this at home without Professional Adhesionist."

While we're on it; Why can't they feed the animals models? Should we have to look at bones with skin draped like lace, so delicately put together? Do our children need to compare themselves to this much longer? You know, someone needs to tell these starving girls, they are going to have to set aside time one day, each week, to take A FREAKING PILL when they get older if they don't eat. Can you say, osteoporosis?

Why can't we have an honest salary in America? Hitting some chords now. Like for instance Major League baseball is getting out of hand! Give me a small break please. No really, like a 5th of a breakdown of a benchwarmers pay from the Yanks. Or the Red Sux, I'd be living LaVita Loca baby. Ridiculous.

Why can't I be considered CEO, with pay and benefits! I'm ready to retire!!!!

"Why can't we all just get along?"

Oh, I'm changing Bosco's name and I need your help: Just guess where Nicholas found him yesterday morning, c'mon. you know where. ON the tank. ON HYRUP'S TANK. He was looking down at him, his paw pawing the top of the cage, like he was trying to say, "I'll get you out, I'll try again." He has no idea that he will be strangled. The cat weighs 17 lbs. right now, so Hyrup really couldn't eat him, but he can strangle him. This cat, not so smart. he still thinks Nala wants to play with him. She hisses at him, ears back, tail fluffed, claws (all 14) out. He just tilts his head at her and walks up to her. He is our Special Ed cat. There is something to be said about the runt of the litter for sure.

Now I really don't want to see anything happen to him, because he is such a sweetie. And not to mention, it would be very tragic. The top of the cage is now properly locked in place. So hopefully, he will just forget the whole event happened. In the meantime, as long as we feed Hyrup, he grows; and Ball Pythons get very large. So I'm told. I just don't want him to eat my cats.

So here is where the fun begins, we need to give our Special Ed Bosco Bait Boy a new name

This is Bosco. And he is as sweet as he looks. We do not want him to become bait. But. he. is. stupid. Very sweet, but very stupid.


Emily said...

you've been saving up those rants for a while, haven't you? lol

a new name for bosco....

well - we had a cat named Sweetiepie. it was a boy cat. but he was a sweetiepie. and we had another cat who looked a lot like your bosco named Mr. Stripes. but that is what comes of having children name pets i suppose.

Erin said...

I giggled all through your post. Thanks for providing me with some entertainment this morning. :)

Oh, BTW... I use the mineral stuff. It rocks. No, it doesn't stay on all day though. I usually re-apply at lunch. But then again, my hands are all over my face and my skin is super-oily. Oh, that's another thing. If your skin is dry, this stuff will dry it out even more. But my skin is oil and it works WONDERS. So much better than the liquid stuff.

It takes some getting used to. It feels like you're not wearing makeup at all. After a while though, it feels really nice.

Dude. I just hijacked your comments. Sorry 'bout that. E-mail me if you want to know more about the makeup. :)

Erin said...

Oh, PS... Bosco looks like my kitty!

Check it out: