getting my ghouls ready

I'm getting my little ghouls ready for their big event. A night on the howl. The little "Toast Man" is properly buttered and ready. He even found himself a proper little prop for his treats; a makeshift toaster. He thought it up himself - I'm so proud of him. I just need to cover it with foil to give it the special effect. He is so excited!

Christina -a/k/a The Cat Mawler, is going to be a Wealthy Woman. Complete with my retro Jackie-O coat, and with the help of Miss Amy, AGAIN, and her ball gown, she'll be dressed to the nines. Thank you, Amy, very much.


Then we have Marisa, my Cinderisa, she is a Hula girl. Although she isn't going to be going door-to-door, she is handing out candy. Why not dress up? She looks beautiful. Grass skirt, garland, NO, there are no coconut bras with this enterage! She has a t-shirt. From my Grandma, that simply says, "Beach Bum" and I forgot to mention that Christina will be donning Grandma's bling-bling also. When Gram died, I inherited all of her jewelry. It is all so very very wonderful to my girls and I. It is only of sentimental worth, and nothing monetary. But we love it. Marisa wears a piece to school on a daily basis. She remembers my Grandma, and this is probably the reason she still wears it. I am just greatful she does.

Then we have the beloved Idiot, I mean, Rocco; the dog, he is going to be Shrek. Yes, he gets to Trick-or-Treating. But only for a little while. I'm not really sure how long he can behave. I just can't wait to get the pics on here! We are thinking of painting his nails green, as we can't really do too much with his fur, well, what he has of fur. I don't want HIM green, so I think the nails will suffice.

The cats: I had thought about "Puss-in-Boots" from the movie, but I was stuck on which cat for the job, I don't have the actual boots for the job, I do have a cape, though. Do we really NEED to dress the cats??


Now, do I have a costume? NO. I do not have a costume. I usually do dress for it with the kids, but I haven't really thought that far into it this year. I mean, the toast thing threw me. Only this morning, I was actually thinking of better ways I could have made the costume - naturally. Isn't that always the way. Hindsight, I just hate hindsight. I also right now, hate the fact that tomorrow is November. Sounds so cold. Ok, done with the hating. Look, I figured out the paragraph thing.

I have also figured out, I think, that is, how to get my comments posted on my blog. I think I am totally inept in the computer age. While I am desperately trying to learn, I am losing vast capabilities of my brain matter, losing bits and pieces of information as it's coming in - it's quickly just going out, just. like. that! POOF! Gone. Do I continue to try to learn? duh, yeah. I mean, why not, right. The challenge is, if anything, what - challenging!!!!!!! It has to do something, right.

This is funny: When talking with my doctor just a few days ago, I'm thinking I can just, you know, get off of some of the many drugs I'm taking - I don't know, call me crazy! One of them, Namenda, is used for folks, mostly those who are in moderate to severe stages of Alzheimer. Ok, I'm NOT in that category, just for the record. That's not to say, I haven't been there if you know what I mean. hey, anyone with Migraine knows exactly what I'm talking about. However, it is also used for us with chronic and severe Migraine, and it seems to work well. But, me, well, I'm thinking, lets get off, or at the very least down on some meds. The PA had suggested the Namenda. I agreed. But my doctor, in whom I trust, disagreed. Ok, no problem. Here is the funny part - later that evening, at Terri's house, mid-sentence, I just up and forget whatever I was trying to say to her! Just like that! And she says, "And you still think the Namenda was a good choice to go off of?" Point well taken! To which we of course laughed. You've gotta have friends.
Honest friends are best. Especially if you can handle it. Superficial friends are not really friends at all. they are just there for looks. Who needs that? Right now, I need to go finish a toaster. Please have a safe evening.

How to Maintain Healthy.....so to speak, ahem

I received this in my email this morning, and after forwarding it to way too many who, I felt needed a good hearty laugh, I thought I'd add it here, to my little world of blog. Where nobody really ventures to do too much really. Comiserate maybe, check up on my daily to do. But I really felt the need to add this because, well, you'll see. I couldn't stop laughing, and I laughed the first time it came around. I rely on good, fun humor to get me through most days. At parties, I'm usually the guest with my pockets full of fake flies and such, ready to spike your drink when you're not looking; hide in the backgroud, to see your face later. I have NEVER said I'm remotely normal in any way, shape or form. I have a twisted, defunct brain. Just look at my blog title for crying out loud. I am NOT a normal, decent human being. But I am fun. Fun. FUN!! Somewhere in the back of my head, I am hearing the tune to, "They're Coming to Take Me Away!" So back to the email I received; I am going to try some of these - really. For those who know me, which do you think I'm up for?? I'm also thinking of adding to the list. I should check our 'funny file' and see what Frank has in there! Here goes, contain yourself: ............................................................. 20 WAYS to MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY. 1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down. 2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice. No smiling, laughing. BBe serious. 3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that. 4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "In." 5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. (putting myself back on chair, sorry.) 6. In the memo field of all your checks, write, "For smuggling diamonds" or "personal acts" or better yet "invitation only" (it has YOU guessing, doesn't it!) 7. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy." 8 dont use any punctuation for any reason at all and remain completely monotone even in exciting situations 9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk. 10. Order diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face, and be insistent! 11. Specify that your drive-hrough order is "to-go." 12. Sing along at the opera. Loudly. Off-key. 13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme. 14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day. 15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood. 16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name: Rock Bottom. 17. When the money comes out of the ATM, jump and scream, "I WON, I WON!" 18. (oh yeah) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!!" (have children in tow, this will add to the effect!) 19. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go." (I can't WAIT til dinner) 20. And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity....Send this to someone to make them smile........ I hate hate HATE that I can't break for paragraphs!!!!!! Anyway, today my little guy has his party at school; we need to spruce up his costume a little. Add some swirl to his cinammon. I am looking forward to the party!!! All those cute unsuspecting little monsters. Time to go find my flies and spiders. Frank was just asking me if I still had that fake doggie doo the other day. I think it's time to go shopping for more gags. We do lead a sick life. Funny, we haven't received any invitations in a while.......hmmmm. I'm not opposed to barging in. WAIT!!!!! I remember, there IS a party coming up!!! Something to look forward to. I wonder if they'll be serving, say.....Bloody Mary's????????? (kite twine, 3 inches in the bottom of each glass) Like I said, I'm NOT normal. Have healthy, sane day! Deborah

The Monster Mash

It was a Graveyard Smash! Ahh ha hahahah. Whatever. If I only had a digital CAMERA!!!! Way too cute for words; oh can I just say, there were more Power Rangers than I have fingers and toes combined. And Spidey - yeah, lot's of him, too. I really don't understand why parents think it's "cute" to dress their kids as knife-weilding (is that correct??) maniacs in the crazy messed-up society that we live in; but there were more children dressed as villainous "Freddy Kruger's" than those dressed as say, Strawberry Shortcake, or Dopey or anything sweet, like this very yummy little guy I saw dressed like a piece oF CINAMMON TOAST!!! Oh, and he was the only ONLY piece of toast there. Awkward as it was to carry around, it was cute and admirable at best. He had a few that wanted to take a bite. Overall, a very fun night. A friend of Christina's was dressed as Marilyn Monroe - she looked great! There were a few of the Cheetah Girls on hand, none would sing, though. Lots of pirates - I'm sure because of the famous movie that came out this past summer. so many many cute little ghouls and boys. Two little girls from Nick's class came up to him, stopped dead in their tracks and said, in their sweetest of sweet voices, "Hi Nicholassssss!:)" Batting their eyelashes and all. He just gave his typical grump of a hello and ignored them. He's so not into litle girls. (and that is ok by me right now) He is only 5 YEARS OLD! But they were so cute. One of our favorites was the Phantom of the Opera - we love musicals here, and we can watch that one over and over again and again. The kids haven't seen it live yet, but if it ever comes here again, we're taking them! They love love LOVE the movie. And Nick loves the CD. This little guy even had a rose! (in costume. at the dance.) . . . . Anyway, I'm not sure if it's a blogger problem or a problem with MY computer, but I'm unable to make a break in paragraphs. I'm going to rely on things like this . . . . . . . . to do the trick. . . . . . . This morning in church, I had another strange episode. Along the lines of the twitching and muscle spasing kind of strange. I had a migraine nail me again lastnight, which is normal for me, being the daily kind of girl that I am. but I was doing ok this morning. Until I got in church. There is something about the auditorium that my brain chemistry is strictly against. My balance seems to go off, my pain level seems to go up; everything migraine in me seems to raise. I sat down, feeling ok, and my left thigh started the twitching. Then the pain from he back of my head, slowly making it's way to the front of my eye came on. The twitching was making the rounds to my spinal column, up my back, shaking me, out my arms, and finally got ahold of my head and slammed it into the back wall, where it let out a loud, "BOOM" for all to hear. That just added to the pain level. I had to get up to pee, and unfortunately, my gait, was unsteady at best. I looked like one of those beautiful show horses at the equestrian, prancing her way to the potty. But, show horse, I'm not. The uneven floor, not seeming to stop, nor the wall, and I'm trying to just concentrate on making my "steady" strides to the potty before I , a: fall, or b: pee on the spot! I can only imagine how I look, as I am 'walking' toward people, as I try not to fall into their laps, holding their chairs, or their arms as I brush by them. I'm not really concerned about their thoughts of me, I just smile, as I prance by, lifting my legs too high to just walk. But my gait is unsteady, and I know this. But I can't control it. . . . . My friend, Terri and I just laugh and joke that it's my payback for the times I tell Lexi to "step" when she doesn't need to, like on a yellow line, or at a ramp. And she will make a giant step like I do now. And our gaits look alike. Terri will say to me, "step, step" like I say to Lexi, and we'll crack up laughing. Someone that doesn't know that we can laugh at my , wow, this is the first time I've said this, DISABILITY, they just look at her in a mean way, not understanding why WE are laughing. Why shouldn't we laugh? Should we be upset? We've already been there. We've already cried about the losses. It's time now to be thankful for what is here NOW. Or when Frank and I laugh at my spasing and stuttering at the words I cn't get out. We do laugh. Sometimes it is very frustrating, yes. But mostly, we have to laugh, because we have much more to be thankful for. I am thankful that I have spent more time home than in the hospital this past year. I couldn't say that last year. Last year, there were many more tears. This year, there are more smiles. There are a lot of migraines, a lot of muscle twitches, and stuttering, and ugliness; but I have much to be greatful for - I have my family. My husband, my 4 beautiful, wonderful children, 2 great and beautiful step-children, and a gorgeous step-grand daughter! I have a sister and her husband and 2 kids and wacko dog, who are always here for me! I have wonderful, wonderful friends. I have my Lord and Savior!!! I have so much more to be happy for, than to be miserable for. My father used to tell me, "Misery loves company," he was right, I don't need that kind of company. Neither do you. Wishing you all pain-free days. Deborah

Toasted

Ok, so tonight, at my son's school - elementary - they are hosting the "Family Halloween Dance!" All are excited. First, he was going to be the Red Power Ranger, then it was icky Spider Man, - been done already. So at breakfast a few days ago, he decided, that everyone is going to be a Power Ranger or Batman or Spidey, he wanted to be different. Good for you, Nick! As it is, I enjoy making costumes for my kids, rather than the store-bought, all-look-like-the-other-ghoulish-crappy-costumed-kid; I was proud of my son. So we were on a mission of thought, what could he be that no other kid in his class, OR the school would be tonight at the the dance? Well, I suggested that probably nobody would be a bowl of cereal - he just giggled. "How about a glass of juice? Or a container of juice? We could make it out of cardboard and even use pipe for a straw!" He didn't take me serious. Then I suggested, TOAST, and he was settled. "YEAH! That's what I want to be! Nobody else will be toast, MOM!" So for Halloween, my Nicholas will be the best dressed piece of cinamon toast at the Halloween Dance tonight. If. It. KILLS. ME!! It may. But he's worth it. I went into the grocery store a few nights ago, for a few items; he was in the van with Frank. I found the manager, and explained my situation, telling him I needed 2 large, flat pieces of cardboard - 1 for the front of him, and 1 for the back. This guy was totally jazzed! He came out with, what I saw as total toast for my son, and when Nick saw me come out of the store with it - he knew exactly what it was for. The smile on this childs face was just too incredible for words. Oh, I will sooo be adding the pics when I get them. I'm not digital yet, although Santa baby DOES have my wish list. { THAT is on the top, the middle and the bottom. (If I don't get my digital camera, I'm killing his damn reindeer!) I know where he lives. } Right, back to the other toast! I can't wait to see how it turns out, as I haven't exactly gotten to it yet. I'm not entirely worried about it, I mean, how hard can toast be? Well, I'll tell ya, as I had to go and make the stupid, I mean cute thing!! To answer THAT question - my former "3" migraine is now a raging 7, thank you very much freaking toast. But he will look adorable. Minus the back of the costume for right now. As I can't feel my lower extremities at the moment. Only the drummers drumming in my skull at the frontal lobes behind the balls staring at the colors in my monitor. Or are they colors in the new sparkles of aura I'm seeing? That's just great! Whatever. That would be from the leaning over for an hour and a half thing I just did. I suppose that is where the nausea fits in, too. Oh what a wonderful eventful life I do lead. Fun fun fun. I am still going to the dance. He asked me what I was going as. Take a wild guess. I am going as a MIGRAINE. Now wouldn't that just be hilarious. Ok, everyone send me your best pics of halloween migraine dressup!!!! The outsiders won't get it. We'll host our own party, see. I'll be "aura" of one kind or another, the many I see anyway. OOOOOH, I saw a weird one lastnight - (yeah try to stay with me here, the ramblings are just awful, I know, you should be INSIDE my head!!!!! HA) Anyway, driving along, and I come to an intersection, and it comes from the right, real fast from my peripheral vision, (which, by the way, I don't HAVE!) this rapid beam of light, I wasn't sure if it was a car coming real fast; like, I'm approaching the intersection now, stop, go, what do I do? So I slow down, waiting and watching for it, looking at the car that is stopped and I don't see anything, and then WHAM it hits me in the side of the head. And of course, Frank notices it, "What, you get hit?" "yep, weird, flash of light kind of thing I've never seen before." Oh, and it had sound, too. Like Zzzip. Not immediate with the pain, but maybe 15 seconds before. Ok, ok, back to the toast!!!!!!! Ugh, concentrate. Needing a Zofran right about NOW! I'm thinking, does he NEED the back piece or will he look like a sandwich??? Nah, he's toast, not a sandwich; otherwise, it's just overkill, and it'll be too heavy and I'll just look like an over-achiever. We don't want that! So what to use for a treat bag??? I'm thinking toaster! Too much, right. Maybe a recycled box of cereal? Or will that just look like we live out of the dumpster? Can't have that now can we! What will the PTO think? Like I care! Trust me, I can handle it.When he was Scooby Do, I gave him box and wrote "Scooby Snacks" on it, I'm not opposed to this kind of thing. Think DEB!!! Ok, Nap time. Promise to post pics later. My tummy feels icky, and my head is following. ciao

Uh oh

Waking to a little nausea and more pain than usual. Oh what to do??? Rain, rain go away.....! I used to love the Fall. I still love the colors and the smells of the falling leaves; it's the wet and cold, and the coming of the frigid winter that doesn't seem to end here in the Northeast that I resent. It lasts too l o n g here! And I just haven't been able to get warm. I think I will light a fire today, and just sit in front of it, curl up under a blankie and wish my Migraine away. Yeah - that will certainly work for me. I want to move to a warmer climate. But that's not really possible. So I will just succumb to my fireplace in my former family room, where it is nice and dark, and where it will be warm. I will light a fire, make myself a cup of tea and curl up on the couch; perhaps with a new book. I just finished reading a rather gruesome book my sister gave me, that I couldn't put down. It's called, "The Doctor's Wife" by Elizabeth Brundage. Very good, I must say, but very sick! Twisted. Check it out. Ok, I got nothin today. Nothing but another migraine. Stink!

Stay or Go?

Yes, the times certainly are changing; as I look around me, everywhere I go, it seems so different. People are in such a hurry to go to where they are going. When I need to pull into my driveway, I am either beeped at, or flickered at with headlights. They rush around my car, eager to get by, why should they wait?? They must, MUST get to wherever they are going. And I am simply holding them up. How dare I. And dare I need to get OUT of my driveway; well, now I am simply an annoyance, they speed up, to let me know, it's not allowed, or beep at me, to tell me they are coming. This on a 35 mile per hour, residential street. Yes, it is a busy one; there is a park across the way. An elderly residential home is only 1/8th of a mile from my home. People walk their dogs, run, ride bikes on this street everyday, all day. But the drivers that take this route are unaware and could care less. I wonder, if they are as concerned in their own neighborhoods, of the same type of careless drivers. I've often wondered what it would be like to follow some of these drivers to their own homes and ask them. But in today's age, that is simply not done. Road rage, violence, guns and crime are against me now. I just pull into my driveway, or pull out, taking a chance, that it's ok. I'm not in a particularly dangerous neighborhood either. That's not to say that someone that is irritated with my needing to get in or out is going to be irritated with me anyway. It happens everyday. When my son's bus comes in the afternoon to pick him up, and the red lights come on to stop traffic, at lunch time no less, I'm a bit anxious, because the bus actually gets beeped at! And I'm actually hurrying my little guy along, because I'm fearful of people. I don't show it outwardly, but inside, my stomach is turning. What is the big hurry?? In traffic, it's funny, I see people in their ridiculous Hummers speeding past me, or their SUVs, racing to get to the red light ahead of me. Go ahead, waste your gas, idiot! We just sit next to each other. He gets 7-12 miles to the gallon, as I get 20-25. I smile, thinking, "you fool, are you able to make those ridiculous payments, AND fill your tank each week the way you drive?" And then I sit a few seconds to watch him take off at the green again, only to meet him at the next red. Fool. Yeah, he showed me. My step-son is in a Hummer, in Iraq, a vehical, using it for what it was intended. Amazing. Not a "status" symbol. Not raking our fuel economy a little more. But using it for what. it. was. in ten ded. Unfortunately. But it's being used for it's intention anyway. Today, I will take my chances and go to the Post Office to mail him a package. I guess I'm taking my chances in many ways nowadays aren't I. Post Office, my street. But that's is on my list for today; to drive out of my dangerous driveway and race to the Post Office. No, I don't have a Hemi, nor do I want one. Gas is way too overpriced, especially in NY - thanks to our gvt. Hey, it's election time, hmmm, I only wonder what that will bring???? ..................We had Lexi's party on Saturday, she is so sweet. It was at her house with the girls there,Frank and my kids, Aunt Terri and Amy, Aunt Jamie, Alyssa, Aiden, and then Frank's parents came. But of course, my own didn't even show up. I wasn't expecting them to really. I knew they wouldn't, that's pretty normal for them - not to be there for me and my kids. They weren't there for Christina's party either. There comes a time when you just need to cut ties. Or do you. Because I never really know what to do. The Bible tells me to respect them, which is very hard. They are a very judgemental and cold people to be around. The racial comments are a constant knock that I don't want to hear. Always present. Like a battering ram. I don't expect them to be with me when I need them; they never have been. Not when I've been sick, in the hospital. They weren't here for my husband or my kids. So am I to remain loyal? I really just don't know. When favoritism is thrown in your face, over and over, time and again through the years; to you put up with it, or walk away?I would desperately love some feedback here. I believe in some ways, they are ignorant to it. And then, I think they enjoy it. The criticism and rejection. As a parent, I don't understand the favoritism of one child, or two in this case over two others. And in the case of grandchildren, how mine are just, left out. They have become somewhat hardened to them, as I have. I'm not sure if they feel hurt anymore. I don't belive they do. More anger, especially since I've been ill; and they've seen the absence of them in my life. They were constantly asking why "they" weren't coming to the hospital or the house. I couldn't answer for them, I simply told them to ask "them." But they didn't even want to talk to them. Marisa did ask why they weren't at Lexi's party. They said they had the days confused. Except the party was on her birthday, making it easy not to be confused. But that's ok, really. Because the people that really mattered were there. The people that wanted to be there, were there. And those that chose NOT to be there, simply did just that. And really, that IS ok too. So, do I walk away? Respectfully.

Happy Birthday, Lexi

Today is my daughter, Alexa's 18th birthday! I cannot believe it as I write this! It's amazing how she has grown. I blogged about Miss Lexi awhile back, her milestones and all; and if this is maybe your first time around the blog, welcome, and thanks for dropping by. Grab a balloon, a piece of cake and sit back and relax - and please celebrate with us. For Lexi is indeed someone to celebrate. The purple is for her love of Barney! The obnoxious dinosaur as we've come to hate over the years. But she still loves him. She has too many Barney's to count in her room. Her room is a lovely yellow, which is her favorite color. It's also the color of one of her favorite foods: CHEESE. She loves cheese, and will just pack it in. Oh, the picture at the top is from her first birthday party, and the very first time she sat, unattended. She did fall flat on her face shortly after the picture was taken, which she did for about 6 months after, but it was the first time she did it alone. She did get a lot of toys, didn't she! I just can't get over her everytime I see her. Lexi lives in a group home, with 4 other girls who are not unlike herself. And she is quite happy there. It is a blessing, this home. The other girls are wonderful, too. They get excited when the kids, Frank and I are there. We have become an extension of family for them. One girl, B, comes with us for holidays, and she is Lexi's best friend. I used to dread her birthday when she was little and I was much younger, because I was reminded of what "should have been." It was such a hard time for me, I suppose I made it a hard time for myself without realizing it. I was thrilled with Amy's milestones, and my neices, of course; and when Alexa made her own, it was so exciting. But still, there was a sense of my own guilt and wonderment, of who she could have been. Thankfully, I don't visit those places anymore. On occassion, someone will ask, "Do you ever wonder what Alexa would be like if...." and well, yeah, of course! I think every Mom out there does about every child. But it's different now for me. I have peace with her disability. God placed her in my life, in our lives, because she needed us; and I suppose He knew we needed her as well. I watched this beautiful child struggle in PT as an infant and later a toddler, learning to roll, and sit and hold her head up. She needed to be taught these basic skills; we were told she'd never learn them, never DO them. She did. And then she'd drag herself from room to room on her belly - she was determined to get around, persistent. Eventually, she learned to get her bottom off the floor, it would sway, she'd roll over, but she wouldn't get frustrated, she'd just keep trying. She was so amazing. And she eventually learned to crawl. At around age 3, she was moving on her feet with the help of a walker with wheels, and there was no stopping this litle girl. She was fearless and fast! And the smile she had, it was truly amazing to watch her go. We were told she would never walk, or talk. But she did, by the time she was 5, she was going strong, no more walker. Sure, she'd fall on her knees when she'd go to fast; sometimes she'd just run on her knees, which she'd been doing for 2 years. I'd made her knee pads to save her knees from the constant bruising and scraping she was getting; she was relentless. She'd get back up and walk again - no complaining, just smiles, big and wide. Marisa helps out at school with the special kids now; in Alexa's former class at her school. She used to help at the middle school, and now she's helping at the jr high. She loves it, she has such a big heart for these children, and they adore her. She's hurt when other kids, the so-called "normal" ones, make fun of them; she usually snaps at them, the way only Marisa can. Good for her. I'm proud of her; I just hope she is remembering her manners, and not acting like them. We're planning a party for Lexi for Saturday; the kids are going to make little gifts for the girls and help with other favors. They love going to Lexi's house for the party. Equally, the girls love having them there. I still can't believe I have an 18 year old! I think I was just 18 years old not too long ago. Where does the time go? Wishing all pain-free days. deborah

Hmmmmmm, Do I have a headache???

Well, I've made it into Thursday, No OR, thank you very much. Alas, the migraines, they never fail to leave my side, or my top, at the very least. They are forever present. And I'm constantly asked how I'm feeling, if I have a headache. YES!!! Hard to grasp, I know, trust me, really, I do know, but it's true, so unfortunately stinking true - but yes, it is daily there. Not just once in a blue-moon daily, but the everyday kind of DAILY. I'm not so sure why people don't understand that concept. Let me sum it up this way - did you wake up with your nose on your face this morning? Can you see it there in the mirror? There it is. Now go to bed, sleep, maybe it won't be there tomorrow. Now, wake up, is it still there? Of course it is!!!! There is NO difference really. Well, maybe a little difference. You see, I can see your nose. You can see your nose; and perhaps it really causes you no chronic pain most days, right? OK. Yes, I am a sarcastic b*tch, but there is a point that I need to make here. Alright, when you have that nagging sinus infection or cold virus that goes around, we all comiserate with you; your nose certainly suffers. I will only use Puffs Plus for that occassion; HOWEVER, this is not that time. Today, your nose is on your FACE! You woke up with it, chances are, tomorrow you will wake up with it, and so on and so forth. Here is the difference, minus the mood, for those of us who suffer in silence (or not) with chronic pain, most of it is just this . Exactly! Invisible. YOU can't see my pain. I can't see my pain. My doctor can't see my pain. I can, however; see it before it comes - in the most beautiful vibrant of colors. I can hear it in the sounds it makes; the piercing, whirling sounds just before it touches the inside of my skull. I can even taste it. And it does so much more before the pain actually gets me all at once. It is just so stimulating! This is not excitement I'm giving you, merely an explanation of things to come, just before the crash. There is the tingle that starts on my tongue, like a numbing. And the metal taste. The dizzy feeling that comes on. But always, always, always there is pain; yes, I have a headache. Baseline everyday. Please don't keep asking, for it is ever present. Just like your nose. Sometimes it gets worse, most times, yes I guess it does. And I find myself appologizing to everyone around me. Again. Because I must turn you down, or let you down. And again I'm stuck with the guilt of that. Again. And again. And again. Please stop adding to my guilt. Really, it's unnecessary. I know that you, too suffer for me. But in reality - I am the ONE who is living with this hideous ugly pain CONSTANTLY. If you love someone who has Migraines, and is currently experiencing one, be very curteous in this way; be QUIET! You really have NO idea how painful sound is when nerves inside your skull are exposed to the extremety of our pain threshold. You don't. If you have ever had your most painful experience, EVER, magnify it, again, and again and again and again and then bang your head against the wall a few times, while shining a flashlight, a Mag-style (police) flashlight in your eyes. Play some loud bass at the same time. Swallow mustard and water. Now spin and try holding that down. This will make you want to vomit, it gives you the effect of severe nausea. Keep banging your head, you have no aura with this migraine, and yours is being brought on by YOU. Imagine that. Please don't ever say something like, "Are you trying to give yourself a headache?!" Even joking, because that's so not funny to someone who usually doesn't go a few days without. For the next few days, lay off foods you used to love - they will trigger your next Migraine. Check out the lists on the sites listed at the left, I'm sure you'll be hungry, but whatever. Maybe you'll be headache free. At least I won't ask you if you have a headache! If a guy loses his leg from a car accident, goes to rehab and learns how to use a prosthesis and walk again - do we later ask him this question: "Hey, is your leg still gone?" Of course not! Sounds stupid right. Duh. And, so a person with, say Diabetes probably isn't asked these questions on a daily basis; "Are you still Diabetic?" "Still taking Insulin for that Diabetes?" I remember when I was pregnant for my children, some ignoramouses were actually stupid enough to actually ask me this, "You still carrying that baby?" Me, being the sarcastic kind of person I am, always had a smart answer right away, "Nope, I'm carrying someone else's baby this time!" Or, "I thought I'd try hump-back whale this trimester!" Whoda thunk? So my answer to you is this; "I no longer have headaches! I have been cured! It's amazing really, I just thought one day, I think I'll just read some Dr. Seuss, think happy thoughts and cure myself. And now I'm all better. I gve all of my medicine to my kids to sell at school; and boy did they make a great profit! We're going to Disney!! It sure is good to be well!" Ok that's not true. But wouldn't that be fun. Well, not the part about the kids selling the drugs. So, I'm moody this week, with a freaking migraine - what's new? I'm sick of looking at a messy house wondering when I'm going to have the energy to clean it! Or better yet, IF I'll ever have any energy. And is it really important, really? Probably not, but to me, it is. There is that compulsive side of me that get let it go, that won't let it go. Ok, time for tea and a blanket. hope you all have a pain-free day. Thanks for letting me rant.

Never-ending Saga, Me the Drama Queen

We have a few Drama Queens in our family. Cinderisa used to be a real queen of the drama when she was little; with her constant whining and crying. Now, she merely just sasses. Which isn't what I prefer, mind you. I hate it, it's disrespectful, to say the least, but it beats the former conundrum of tears that used to flow on a constant basis. Then we have our little Cat Mawler with her ever rolling eyeballs and mood swings. SHE has got some drama going on, all. Over. THe. PLACE!! Especially, you, know - once a month. (sorry boys!) One month she's moody; up and down, mean then nice as pie. The next month, she cries at the commercials, or if you look at her the wrong way. She's like a hysterical menopausal 50 year old, for crying out loud. (note to self, she needs to go live with Aunt Terri those TIMES OF THE MONTH!!!) My computer is dying, bear with the fact that I am not allowed to cut into a new paragraph, so my blogs are going to be complete runonsfromhereonuntilsomeonesendsme lots of MONEY OR A NEW COMPUTER!!!! So if you like my blog!! Just saying: hey, I've seen other people advertise that kind of stuff; "send me money, my house payment is overdue." So I'm just saying, if you are relying on my weirdo sense of humor, have an extra keyboard and box to boot up laying around, I'm happily accepting. No joke, man! I'm not too proud to tell ya that. New paragraph; Ok, crappo week number 2 is starting out like this; no potty mouth, just CRAP!!! Migraine all day yesterday. All night. AND, good morning Migraine, you freak, will you EVER leave me alone??? Yeah, I know the answer to that! NO, FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING, WHAT, LOVELY!!!! NO - THEY WILL NEVER LEAVE ME ALONE!!! Got it already. Talk about your mood swings, huh. A week ago yesterday, I ended up in emergency surgery, D&C. For the faint of heart, scroll down to, I don't know, somewhere else. Ok, I'm a bloody, clotting freaking mess last week; for 4 freaking days straight! I go to the docs office on Monday, and of course, it lets up as I get there. Naturally. I feel like an idiot, Migrainely and moody as all get out. Frank has had to leave work, as I cannot drive because; well not only am I dizzy, there is confusion added in - you know, the red light/ green light kind of confusion thing. And I'm seeing things that aren't there, not hallucinations, just my wonderful aura of the worst kind. I'd had them all night long. Swirling like pinwheels on a pegboard in beautiful colors with strange zippity doodah sounds. The pinprick in the left ear. Yeah, it's all there for my , aha, "enjoyment!" Yeah, so I make poor Frank leave work, in a panic. And the clots, big as golf balls, blowing out my super plus tampons (hey, you were freaking warned) and now my suuper duper plus mattress pads, are now almost nada, nothing - because I am walking into the doctor's office. They say this is normal. I am anything BUT normal. Ask any doctor or resident who has seen me, they all know!! So the fun, and I mean the really fun part was the sonogram - talk about invasive - key word being INvasive. oh yeah, internal. When you've had 4 children, modesty is pretty much out the door, although, this was, in a nutshell, rather embarrassing. But the tests came back normal. Thankfully. No cysts or fibroids or any weird little people inside. Hey, we're both sterile, so I'm not expecting to be expecting - know what I mean!!! So I was sent home, told to rest. Not allowed to take certain hormone and other meds because of famous Migraine Disease. So just rest. OK. Tuesday morning comes and Nick and I are doing our typical morning routine, and it starts again - only much much heavier. I went thru everything again! So I call Frank. again. He says, call the doctor back. Something is NOT right. no kidding. Meanwhile, I am blowing clots (just keep scrolling) big clots, and they are pushing these huge freaking tampons OUT, and now I am bleeding like I've never bled before. Literally. So I ended up in surgery. Messy surgery. It was supposed to stop, but guess what?? It sarted again THIS MORNING!!! So at 10:30 I was back at the gyn, and now I'm "giving it until Wed to see if it's just necrotic tissue leaving your body." And if not, I'm back in the OR!! OH, and it has pushed my Migraines to an all new level. Not to mention the nausea and all of the fun that goes with that!!! Talk about drama! I'm sick of drama. Today, it's 75 outside, and I feel like absolute caka. I don't even know how to spell that, but you get my drift. Know what, I'm going to go sit outside and paint my stinking toenails anyway. So there. I hope someone feels beter than I do. And if by any remote chance, someone with an extra wonderful computer wants to make a donation, hey, let me know -K! Take care. Deborah

The UPside of DOWN

Yeah, that's where I've been, down, down, going down. But I'm now on my way up. So I suppose this is the upside of down - hence the name of today's blog! Catchy, huh. This has been an eventful week for me, and for my family. So as not to get into too much gorey detail; I ended up in a little emergency surgery on Tuesday evening. of the girley kind. The anesthesia blasted, not triggered, but blasted me a new migraine, and I ended up staying overnight. My intention was to leave immediately following surgery. Didn't happen that way. I just don't do anything the easy way. Nothing is easy with me. Especially when it comes to my medical crap. Yeah, that is what I'm calling it; Crap!! Because, I'm plain old sick of it all. All of the CRAP my body has been dealing me. I've been trying to take it all in like a champ; but in reality, I'm beat. I haven't been beaten yet, but I am beat! I do wonder how much longer I can hold on, feeling like I'm slowly just going down a swirling hole of doom. Are the many myriad of meds, that are intended to help with my constant Migraine, causing the decline?? Kinda makes you go, HUH?? I mean, damn, I am on a LOT of drugs!! I can handle only one, yeah - ONE - abortive. Toradol. That's it. There is nothing else out there for me. I have one of those, oh so sensitive to all of the good stuff, kind of bodies. Maybe it really is time, to start the decline in the drug realm. Really. Bear with me here, my computer is about ready to die, it's probably from the Migraine Disease HAA HA!! I'm killing it, too! Poor Frank, he was a wreck this week. But he really did take like a champ. He usually does. He should be breaking down anytime now. I'm sure we have a wonderful reward waiting for us when we enter those Golden Streets. My kids, too. This is all too tiring on my family, Lord. The stress is so hard for them.

Ok, so now I'm reminded of a poem that I wrote, with of course, the Lord's help in June of 1997. These poems have been in a journal for many years, and I suppose this is as good a place as any to start with them. I wrote them for my children mostly. Funny, how they've actually been an inspiration to myself. The Lord does work in mysterious ways. I appologize, my computer is really acting up in the most crazy way!!! UGH What should be an easy way to write a poem, isn't happening for me today. Such is my luck. I'll try another way.

Anyway, I've spent too much tme jon this computer today. And I'm ired. I do hope you are all feeling well today. Ian, my friend, I do hope you have a much better weekend! It should get better before too long.

Ciao

Deborah