Monday, July 17, 2006


The inevitable finally happened, as I knew it would; the drugs are failing me. I guess I was secretly wishing it would last a bit longer; the euphoria, the high of feeling so well. But the all-too-familiar-pains are coming back. Each one of them, taunting just a ltiile at first. And then, the pounce. So what happens now? I ask myself this question really, because I'm not sure I want to know.
I don't know if I can handle anything like I've had. These past 3 months have been simply wonderful, in comparison, to the last 3 years anyway. I've only been hospitalized twice as opposed to, oh gosh, I have actually lost count!! So I will only reflect on the absolute great state of health I was able to obtain for 3 little months.
I have been sick with this for as long as I can remember. Constant headaches. The agonizing carsickness and abdominal crap. Vivid-weird dreams, nightmares or the lack of and inability to sleep that would come before the headache. The auras; the lightshows, that I thought were just a part of what everyone saw when their eyes were closed, that have been coming nad going. They are becoming, once again, very vivid, colorful geometric patterns of swirling movements that are almost trance-like when they appear. Oh, if I could paint what my mind sees!! It terrifies me when I see them, beccause I know, all too well, what is to come, excruciating pain. Gnawing from stomach to back; moving it's way up to my shoulder, my neck and slamming itself into the back of my head, harder and harDER AND HARDER!! Soon, finding it's claws, and digging, never gracefully out of my eye. Yet it never finds it's way out - just digs and digs and my eye feels as it is bulging and pulsating. And the light becomes so blinding, that even the darkness is never dark enough.
In and out of pain, migraine pain; yes, this is where I am again. Body, muscles, twitching, ears screaming, head throbbing, gut-wrenching, vice-tightening-around-my-head P A I N!!
No, it never truly does go away. It was sjut suppressed, that's all. For a brief moment, that was very terrific for me and my family, that I will cherish, until the next time. If in fact, there is a next time.

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