Saturday, August 09, 2008

My Most Uninvited Guest

My Most Uninvited Guest

Well, you've come again. I knew you would. What took you so long this time? It's been two weeks since your last visit. I was enjoying the time you were away, doing things I like to do. Not even thinking about you this time around. I just wonder, how long are you planning on staying? What are your intentions? Did you bring anyone else along for the ride? Cloak, dagger, vice?? Will it be the usual torture, or should I expect something different this time around? That's the thing with You; I never quite know what to expect. You keep me guessing. You like it that way, don't you?
I thought I heard you coming a few days ago; thought I heard you whisper my name. I shrugged it off, hoping maybe, just maybe, this time I was wrong. But I'm never wrong about YOU! No, You come on in short, little bursts at first. Then, you let yourself be known, in much more pronounced forms.

For you are My Most Uninvited Guest.

Sometimes, you come as the Grimm Reaper. I can feel your presence in the shadows, waiting to attack; knocking, rapping gently at the base of my skull. What is it you're using? Pipe? Baseball bat? You're so gentle right now. I must thank you for that. For I know the time will soon come that you will penetrate my skull with your tool of choice, and it will, no doubt, try to leave thru my eye. But it will not be able to. Only tears and pain will escape. At what level? Why must you torment me? Day after endless day you're here with me. I never asked you to come, yet, here you are.
My Most Uninvited Guest

Oh, my stomach; I feel you have visited there, too. Why do you feel the need to take over my entire being? Isn't it enough that you had me two weeks ago? Why won't you ever leave me alone? Will you EVER go away?? I had plans this weekend! Clambake, Father's Day! I know YOU don't give a rat's @#*&, but I HAD PLANS!!! Go away, will you. Please. I really should take stock in Coke and Zofran. God knows we pay enough for both! I can't keep enough Ginger-ale in my house because of YOU. My head is just spinning now. Or is it the room? I can never really tell; the floor is always out of balance when you come. No, I am out of balance. You are the reason I don't drive anymore. You're the reason I don't do a lot of things I used to do.

If I could just put my hands around you, the way you put yourself around me. The way you've engulfed my life, taken over. The way you came in, an Uninvited Guest, who has never really left. You never DO leave, do you? NO, you wander, really. From room to room in my body. That's really what you do. You don't leave. You hide, dormant, so to speak. Maybe I'll smell you in a hint of something I used to like, and suddenly it will slam me in a shocking and horrid way. I won't be able to enjoy the scent any longer. How I hate you! I'm no longer human; no, I'm like a Blood Hound, the way my nose is with odors. No longer scents. Odours. I could work for Search and Rescue my husband claims. It's no prize, really. I find myself hiding my nose in my shirts and jackets. Gagging, holding back the puke - from the smells. But when you turn my stomach, like today, when you tease me and make me think I may puke, and I don't - I really hate you. That is when the poison needs to leave; but you let you fill me, more and more anD M O R E!

Yes, here You are again, My Most Uninvited Guest! Mygraine, yes, with a "y" this time. How long are you going to torment us? My family and me? That is what you do, isn't it? Torment. All of us are tormented by you. Not just me. My husband must watch me, and HATE you, and try so very hard to take care of everything else. My children wonder if this will make their mommy die. Because that is what children think. You are so evil. They hate to see me in agony. But you, YOU enjoy it. You are very skilled at your torture and you tweek it and change it each time, so I am unprepared when you visit.

My hands are freezing and I have that unrelenting chill again. I know you are here to stay. The warning signs are all here. You've put the vice around my skull, it's not tightened YET, but I know it's only a matter of time. You've managed to ram the rod against my skull. I can feel it knocking, rapping; letting me know you are there. I've begun the mmummbiling and ramblng and the confusion has set in. The chills and nausea and the dizzy spells are also in my presence. Yes, you are here. If only I knew HOW I could make you leave.

You are truly an UNINVITED GUEST.
Don't you understand? We don't want you here! Oh, please, not the ice pick. I don't know if I can stand that again!! It makes my whole face hurt! The stabbing in my ear..........don't you know, the sun is finally shining today! Of course you do. You've been waiting for that, too. I can't feel my face now. Well, only half of it. Time for my Zofran. Thank you Dr. M. You are truly wonderful. I should probably cancel my dentist appt today - YA THINK????

I'm going to go lay down for a little while. It's time to give in to the bastard - the Most Uninvited Guest of mine. For it has come back to haunt me yet again. But try as I might, I am looking forward to a wonderful weekend that I do have planned. That is what I get for making plans. Something we usually DON'T do, on purpose. Because of someone I call:
My Most Uninvited Guest

I wrote this post in June of '05, and have been wanting to repost it; it is quite graphic and angry in description. After reading the book, Migraine Expressions, that Betsy Baxter Blondin compiled and edited; it inspired me to both put this up again, and perhaps write more. you know, poetry and stuff.

On the homefront, well, it's dusty. We have ripped up a smelly (think ugly dog) hallway/stairway rug; and then, today it was freaking HAND. SANDED. I'm talking they used power hand sanders. Do you have any idea how loud that is? Let's just say that there is a very loud and dusty mess.

Wait, I'm off-track; I'll be painting some sort of design on the stair risers. I can't find my words and it's like midnight. enough for me. oh, and I was able to buy a new stove, too. Lord help me live thru this!!

hope you a have pain-free weekend


Migraine Chick said...

I love this post "My Most Uninvited Guest." I was just thinking yesterday that my migraine felt like an unwanted guest in my head and your post captures my feelings perfectly. Thank you for sharing!

emily said...

it is angry; but i can totally understand why. i feel (and i think you do too) that the migraines are robbing my life of its years.

i hope you're doing well - any update on the insurance/namenda front?

Robin said...

Hey Deb
I still think you should write a book of your own. You have a way with words... I hope today is a better day!!!

Yes, My Name Is Really Brooklynn said...

Yikes! He looks mean!!! I like this...keep writing!

Dr.Carley Clan said...

I just read this to my husband out loud and started to cry! He said this was us, and you need to have this publish. It does destroy your life and then you get the 2 two weeks off if you are lucky!

What you wrote is awesome!
Liz and Bill

MaxJerz said...

Thanks for posting this. It describes all too well what I feel.