A few days ago, I was asked to participate in a meme called, Nourishing Meme with what one would think were five simple questions. When you're dealing with a chronic disease, such as Migraine Disease, nothing, and I mean, NOTHING, comes easy. Let me illustrate for you just a few examples before this wonderful meme, things that should be relatively easy in a mother's life:
Let's say for example birth dates. I can remember all but one of my children's birth dates, to ramble off of the top of my head. Child number three, of four, simply comes to a stumbling blank. It's not that I love her any less, it's just a slip of memory. I'm told it's part of the Disease. OK. Not really, OK. Not when you're THE MOM, it's rather embarrassing. Be at the doctor's office when asked the d-o-b and go blank. Having to explain myself is like this - "I have a little brain injury." Then I just smile, and search inside my head for her d-o-b, she gives it for me and we both just giggle it off . Later, I actually could care less what anyone thinks. It's MY memory problem, she knows it's not personal, and that's really all that matters. But it hurts ME that I can't remember my daughter's birth date.
Confusion: This one is a very big dilemma for me. Red light/ green light. I won't drive when I get to this point, as it is dangerous for everyone concerned. I come to a stop light, it turns green, what do I do?? Go, stay?? What do I DO??? Yeah, go home, get out of the car, don't drive.
Confusion: Do you want ginger ale or juice? These are very simple questions, but when you are in a confused state, in the middle of a Migraine, NOTHING, is simple. The choice MUST be made for me, as I CANNOT, repeat, CANNOT make it for myself. I am unable. In the literal form. To those who have never experienced confusion, my but how you are blessed beyond, you should be thankful. Confusion is a terrible, controlling, and terrifying state to be in. It is all-encompassing and consuming. And to be commanded to "MAKE a decision!" That is simply misunderstood. It can be related like this - "Raising a teenager is like trying to nail jello-o to a tree." Get my point? Just as you cannot NAIL jello-o to a tree, you cannot make a decision when you cannot decide. DUH~! The brain just doesn't allow for it. It has simply put, gone haywire at that point.
Ok, so I'm going to get to this Meme. Abigail from Abimigraines.blogspot.com asked me to participate in these five questions. I'm now asking you to participate. It's not as easy as one may think, really.
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Nourishing Meme
Friday, September 15, 2006
Life here......Procedes
Well, philip has been overseas now for exactly one week. And we have actually heard from him twice since he's been there. He sounds great! He loves it, his job, his living conditions, be it very strange and unliveable in my eyes of course. But he trained long and hard for this, and he is ready, willing, and able to do what he has been sent to do - fight, serve, defend. What a noble man he is turning out to be. I am beginning to understand the saying, "The few, the proud,...." boy do I understand the grit of it. To hear his explanation of his surroundings, the dirt floor he's sleeping on, walls with broken board and nails; and him laughing at it, telling me he loved it, I don't need to worry about this young man. He is where he needs to be right now. He is where he both wants to be, and where I believe, the Lord wants him to be. He is forever in the safety of the Savior's loving arms. No matter what happens to him, whether he be hurt, there or home, he is a child of God. And this is what he chose to do. He trained hard, very hard for it. The enemy can bruise his flesh, but never his soul.
He called to talk to his Dad again lastnight, and I heard his Dad laughing. What a good sound that was. I know he worries, of course, that is his flesh and blood. He's lost a daughter at the age of 15, so the ripeness is still there. This is like sending the lamb to the slaughter. But this is a well-trained Marine. I just hear the fearless laughter in his voice. And Frank tells me the stories he was telling him on the way back to NC, and it's refreshing for us both. I need to fly his flag.
Marisa is wearing his Marine graduation ring. She adores her big brother. She is my sentimental one. The one with the big heart. She was so thrilled when he called, she just ran to me with the phone. He wanted me to make sure I told all of them "hello" for him. He is such a great brother. I was blessed to have this young man in my home. This kid put ketchup on everything, and I mean EVERYTHING. I can't begin to tell how much of the stuff we'd go thru. That and hot sauce. He even got Chrissy on the stuf. She puts hot sauce on everything. He ate me out of house and home. Never turned his nose up at anything I'd make him. Always asked for seconds. Was never without manners or respect. A true gentleman. His parents raised him right. And he listened.
I sure miss him. It's going to be a very long tour without Philip. This has been a long week. We didn't expect to hear from him, and were fortunate enough to get two calls, thankfully. Now, we wait for the next call or email. Hopefully, we hear nothing on the news from his area of a deathtoll on the military.
Festa Italiana is this weekend, and I've been battling yet another migraine - crap! Here's for trying anyway! Oh, and One Sweet World is playing downtown tonight. All in one place, go figure. Gotta give it a try, right? Maybe. Anyway, hope you have a better weekend.
Monday, September 11, 2006
What Happened to Patriotism?
Monday, September 11, 2006
Kathryn Blair Lee
Holiday Extravaganzas, Kathryn Blair Lee was never one to do things halfway. Consider Thanksgiving. "There had to be at least 25 people and dinner had to last three to five hours," said her husband, E. Philip Lee, noting that there were always a theme and printed menus. "None of this gobble up the turkey and go back and watch football." At 55, a senior vice president with Marsh Inc. who had recently moved to New York, she was a self-taught elder stateswoman in her information technology group. But in a field dominated by youth she stayed a step ahead."Her energy extended to every aspect of her life," said Richard Shewmaker, who had worked with her since 1993. "I remember a breathtaking cluster of California poppies on her floating home in Portland, Ore., the goldfish pond with a rocky stream and waterfall she designed at another. "When I think of Kathryn in her office on the 96th floor of the trade center, I can see the pretty teacup and saucer she had brought with her. Those touches were wherever she was."
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Saturday, September 09, 2006
Back home, to school, just plain life
This has certainly been one crazy week! And I'm so glad it's over. looking back, I can hardly believe it all took place in one simple little week. My family came home, minus one - Philip, on Tuesday. I was so happy when they finally pulled in. They were thrilled to be home. My littlest traveller had been awake the entire trip, since 4am, no nap, no stop of the chatter, he just keeps going and going. Honestly, where do little boys get so much energy?? His favorite paart of the trip was by far, the guns! Seeing the other Marines, playing on the beach, that was ok, but the guns were too cool for him. Tuesday he wanted to be a Police Officer. Not even a Marine after all of that, but a Police Officer. his words, by the way.
The girls did nothing but bicker the whole way there and back. What is it about those girls? But they enjoyed themselves, nontheless. With only a few hours of catch-up and it was ready for bed and school, as Wednesday was the first day. Busy busy busy.
The entire time, I had been battling ice pick after ice pick, from the right then to the left side. No problem, I knew of my nerve block coming on Thursday, just hang on, Deb.
I did get pics of the girls before they got on the bus, but because Cinderisa was in her usual rush to beat the bus, she didn't want her pic taken, and refused to smile. I'm still going to post it when I get it back. I'm not yet digital. Emphasis on YET. My CatMawler, well, she had to change her pants (new) because her little thighs decided to add some weight before the first day, which made her mad. She did have that outfit picked out for a week now. From the earrings to the "whites", and now, she has to change!!! Whatever! So, needless to say, there was no smile from her either. Only grunts and eye-rolling. Can't WAIT to scrap these pics.
But I know I got some great pics of my new Kindergartner. I still can't believe my baby is in k'garten. He is such a little ham. He loves to get his picture taken, and he is a little pro at posing. When the bus finally came, they had to teach him to look both ways BEFORE he was allowed to get on the bus, this wasn't going over so well. This kid was just anxious for the ride, his little buddy, AJ, was saving him a seat and everything, but he was great. And when he came home, he looks both ways before getting off, and then he runs with the most incredible smile. He is growing up. He was so impressed with the school principal, that by Friday, he wanted to be a Principal. I'll need to let Mr. L. know this. He's not taking to the whole structure thing so well, he wants to investigate and explore the room, but the teacher wants things done her way, which implies some sort of meanness in his eyes. He's forgotten how to write his name suddenly, too. Funny, we've been practicing this all summer, I'm sure it's nerves, I know he won't go to college without knowing how to write his name and tie his shoes. In a way, it's sort of cute. I really thought he would cry on his first day, having to get on the bus, but he's really loving it.
On the same day, Frank started painting. in. the. house. I'm grateful, it came out beautiful, but at the time, I was a nervous wreck. I was in a state where I couldn't do anything, but lay, in agony, holding my stinking head, for fear of implosion. Now, Frank isn't the typical "man-of-the-house" and that's ok. I love that quality about him. He's not afraid to admit it. He's not afraid of my abilities above his. He has no problem calling someone to come and do mundane household duties, where I like to tackle them myself. Painting, is something I love to do, for me it's very calming. However, it's not something I've been able to do in the last few years because of the demon that has taken over my nervous system. But my Frankie decided that he wanted to do this - for me, his Queen bee, as he calls me. A very sweet gesture, I know. But he was totally stressed out during the whole ordeal. And he was doing a great job of it. He did our upstairs hallway and 1/2, which has 5 doors, back-breaker. The cutting in had him cussing up a storm. But it really looks beautiful. Then the living room came, this was where I started to stress. He didn't want to put down any tarp, on furniture, which freaked me out, and I made sure that changed. But on the hardwoods?????? Well, we're getting them resurfaced in a few weeks. But again, he surprised me, and did a truly wonderful job! I am actually going to hire him to do a few more rooms. We're going to have someone else come and do ceilings, because, well, screw that, who wants to do that?! Now he has the lower hallway which has only 4 doors, so that won't be so bad. He's a pretty good painter afterall. Even if it did stress us both out, he did a fantastic job and I'm proud of him. he did something he hates to do. Oh, and he was on vacation! And because I was sick, he was juggling the kids, too. As well as me on Thursday.
I had a terrible experience after the block; I had a bad night before that, weird scary auras, and I woke myself up talking in my sleep, the little I did get. The migraine was at a 9 when I got to the surgery center. My BP refused to stablize and I could feel myself sort of coming in and going out. And my head was unbelievably raging a 10. It was one of those days where you just want someone to pull the plug from you, make it all go away. Yeah, that kind of bad. I imagine the paint smell was adding to the fuel, but this one was hanging on for about 2 weeks. Just giving me one hell of a time. Here's hoping the block helps. I'm feeling better than I did, not quite myself yet, whoever she is. I don't really know anymore. I'm somewhere between feeling really lowsey, and just ok. Always. I'm getting picked a little, not the sharp, burning stab I was getting, so that's a good thing. I'm beginning to see and accept that there probably is no real end in sight; only some good days in between the really bad ones. I'll take them when I get them, live them to the fullest.
My Uncle came in from Florida, and visited me on Thursday, the day of the block. It was great to see him, and I may see him again today at a picnic with some other family I haven't seen in a long time. It appears that his son also has migraines. It is just running through both sides of my family - guess I just got the mother load. Unfortunately for my kids, it's on their Dad's side, as well. Thankfully, we're further ahead of the game now, than when I was their age. For I've been suffering a long time. Not like the ones I get now and as often, but they were there just the same. Always there.
Frank and I took Lexi to dinner lastnight - what a trip!!! Her new saying, "No Way!" She had me cracking up, she is such a beautiful young lady. It blows me away that she is going to be 18 next month. I just realized that I'm going to need to change her from pediatrician to gp. I just can't imagine that. Because she will always be a child, of course, mentally. I guess I'll just have to talk to her ped and find out at what age he'll be willing to let her go. 18.
Well, Philip is officially on his first tour. And he is ready. We are proud. Proud of his decision to stand for our country. Proud of him for making something of himself and not wasting his life. He watched his friends make bad decisions and he was afraid he would fall into the same path, he chose a better one -- for that we are proud of him. Now all we can do, is pray for his safety and wait to see him come home. I'm making that trip! We can write him through something called, "Motomail" but he can't respond, that's ok. It will give us a piece of him in a small weird way. We'll take what we can for now, and wait for the rest later. The holidays, I'm sure are going to be hard on Frank, but we'll get him through. Maybe he'll be able to call.
Hoping all a pain-free weekend
deborah
Monday, September 04, 2006
Home Alone........
It's not all that's it used to be. I miss my family. I wish I could travel. They are basking in the 85 degree, sunny, humid beach weather. I am sitting home, migraine-laiden 61 degree, crappy weather, no sun, all clouds.
My job while they are gone is to choose paint for the living room and hallways. Usually a wonderful task for me. Not so much right now. I went to Home Depot yesterday, grabbed a few swatches with Terri, had dinner with her and Mike, came home, went to bed. Uneventful, yeah, I know. Woke with the axe hitting my skull, tears still streaming down my face. I think if the weather would just clear a little, my migraine might just let up. Might. just. let. up. Here's hoping. I realized after looking at those swatches this morning, I need to look at a bunch more. So, that is my job again today. So maybe Lowe's will have some colors to my liking.
I'm so glad the kids were able to go down with Frank. Marisa a/k/a Cinderisa was reluctant at first, but seeing the base, the beach, and the heat, she's pretty ok with it. Oh, that and being able to be a complete pest on the way home (call me about that one Allie!) makes everything ok with her. I just want a Marine flag when they get here. I did manage to get the yellow ribbons yesterday, although they weren't what I was looking for. I'll need to make my own. They'll do for now. I miss my family. I can't wait to hear their voices, even the stupid bickering - can you stand it!! Funny, when it's in your face how you hate it. Deafening how loud silence is when the kids are gone.
Rocco knew that Philip was leaving again. He sat ON his feet yesterday. Funny dog. Pitiful, really. The kids were packing their stuff in the van, Phil was just sitting on the couch, I think he was just taking in everything here. Rocco was taking in Philip. When it was finally time for all to leave, Rocco started to cry, and ran for the door. We told him, "no," but of course, he made his way out and ran into the van, onto the back seat. It was cute in a sad way. He knows when Philip leaves, he doesn't come for a long time. I really think he knew this time. He could tell that Phil's demeanor was different. Our demeanor was very different. The kids were going this time, and Daddy. He didn't want to get out of the van. I literally had to drag him by his prong collar, he didn't even feel it. He didn't want to leave Philip, kept sniffing him and crying, looking back. So sad. I had a hard time letting him go myself. I just held him tight, he told me, "I'll be ok, Debbie, you can let me go." I know, in my heart, he'll be ok, he is God's child. But he is Frank's son, he isn't my own flesh and blood, so I really can't imagine what Frank is going through, but I know, my own heart aches for Philip. Knowing he will be in a land so far away from us; a land of people so far from a loving God, and who hate Americans. Not all of them, I know. But the one's he is there to fight, do. Those, are the fearful, that I fear for him. That I pray will never be allowed get near our Philip and his troops.
Today, they are on a hot, sunny beach; playing, running, swimming. Having fun together. I know Frank: he is fretting to get to that damn depot to get souveniers to take back here, for the kids to get souveniers. I hope he allows them to have fun. He is sooooooo anal retentive. Poor Frank. Just HAVE FUN!!! I so wish I could have been there. But if i were right now, I'd be in the hotel room, in bed, drapes closed, abortives, gingerale. Yeah, fun for all. I'm glad for them, that I'm here. They will have more fun not having to worry about me in the stupid hotel room. I do hope they enjoy him. I hope Nicholas gets to see the guns and tanks and Marisa gets to see the Marines in formation. I can't wait to hear the stories when they get home.
I dread Friday, when Philip leaves for Iraq. For his Dad, his Mom, his sister, and Nonna and Nonno. For the rest of his family. Philip is anxious to leave. That is what he told me yesterday. He wants to go. He's ready, I can't believe it, I don't understand it - but he is ready. That is the attitude he needs to have, I suppose, a ready one. We will never be ready.
I just can't wait for all of them to be home. ALL of them. Philip included.
Saturday, September 02, 2006
He made it!
Thankfully, Philip made it home. He was stuck in NYC for most of yesterday in an airport due to Ernesto. But he's home. I came down this morning, and there he was, sprawled out on the couch. He didn't sleep in his own bed, I'm not sure why, and I don't care, I'm just so glad he made it home. He looks great. He says he's going to lose a lot of weight and get skinny while he's in Iraq. I guess I'm just in some sort of denial phase, not wanting to think about him being there. I mean, I know he's going, has to go, made a decision to join and I'm proud of him for that. It's the idea of not being able to just pick up the phone to call and hear his voice. Knowing that he's in a land that Hates Americans, and live to die for their Allah. Those are the thoughts I push back, and I push hard the fact that he goes along with it.
I got all of Nick's things together this morning to pack; he's going with them, Phil, Frank and the girls - they will all be going to NC to bring him to his deployment. I can't go. Mostly I blame my illness and inability to travel. But in truth, I hate to say "good-bye" to him. I just can't bring myself to even imagining being there, and leaving him. I literally cannot process the thought.
I wonder what is going through his mind at a time like this. Of course, they've prepared him, in some government brain-washing methodology I'm sure. But deep down, what are they all thinking?? I don't think I really want to know.
So tomorrow, 6am, they leave - AND I GET THE HOUSE TO MYSELF!!!!!! Home alone! YIPEE!! Hopefully, if I can kick the migraine that's been ruling my world for the past week, I will be cleaning and scrapbooking. Maybe a glass of wine, or 2 or 3!!!! GO AWAY MIGRAINE! I may even hit the Fair on Monday, who knows? By myself, even. Some alone time is a great thing for a girl. And I love it. Call me strange, but I do love some quality alone time once in a great while.
I feel for my Frankie though. I know his heart is going to be breaking when he has to turn his back on Philip, and drive away, the long trip home. Good thing he'll have those LOUD kids of mine to keep him company!!!!!!!! I just hope they don't fight. I pray they get there and home safe. (Boy I wish Allie was home this weekend) . We were all talking about how much we miss her, how sweet she is, her phone calls and visits. Such a personable young woman.
Time to get some much needed supplies for the trip. As always, I wish for all a pain-free weeknd
deborah