The Colors of death

Fall in NY is, without a doubt, breath-taking to drink in by sight. How poetic, right. The colors are just incredible, abundant. Everywhere. Right now, we are at peak season. Unfortunately, so is my personal ogre.


I managed two days of infusion, wished for more, but the weekend came. Hard. On Sunday, I actually uttered the words, "please just let me die. I want to die!" Which of course brought to mind, my KIDS! So what was I thinking??? It wasn't that I really, really wished death on myself, just well, I couldn't take it anymore. I still can't. It's still there, lingering; a bit less than yesterday, but there.



Today, a much better day by far really. I was able to sweep the floors. Yes, a great and wonderful day was had by me. The bending over thing though, not a good idea. That is, unless I was into the dizzy thing. For the record, I'm so not. It just increases the pain and makes me SICK to my stomach all over again. And to make the day all the more interesting, I had the misfortune of driving today. oops.

I had no intentions of doing so, it was a mistake really. But my girl needed to be picked up and I was the only avail driver. scary. glaring sun in my eyes was no help. Thankfully, we made it safely. Poor kid wasn't feeling well herself.

Tomorrow, I meet with my pain doc and we will talk about the stim device. for me. I've been reading up on it, online, not convinced one way or another really. Just tired of living the way I have been. Sick in pain. Rather, painfully sick. The ONE medication I can take for preventative, my insurance refuses to pay for. So tomorrow should be interesting.

To think of the amount of treatments, hospitals, medications, injections, states, doctors, different methods, the money we have spent, time; it is amazing to me. Still, we fight with our insurance company. Unreal.

So, what am I supposed to be doing right now? I stared a mural, actually, a three-wall mural maybe two weeks ago. So far, all that I was able to accomplish was the pencil drawing. I feel awful, I don't know when I will be able to get back to it. I guess I'll get to it when I do....

Wishing you a pain free day
Deborah