The Colors of death

Fall in NY is, without a doubt, breath-taking to drink in by sight. How poetic, right. The colors are just incredible, abundant. Everywhere. Right now, we are at peak season. Unfortunately, so is my personal ogre.


I managed two days of infusion, wished for more, but the weekend came. Hard. On Sunday, I actually uttered the words, "please just let me die. I want to die!" Which of course brought to mind, my KIDS! So what was I thinking??? It wasn't that I really, really wished death on myself, just well, I couldn't take it anymore. I still can't. It's still there, lingering; a bit less than yesterday, but there.



Today, a much better day by far really. I was able to sweep the floors. Yes, a great and wonderful day was had by me. The bending over thing though, not a good idea. That is, unless I was into the dizzy thing. For the record, I'm so not. It just increases the pain and makes me SICK to my stomach all over again. And to make the day all the more interesting, I had the misfortune of driving today. oops.

I had no intentions of doing so, it was a mistake really. But my girl needed to be picked up and I was the only avail driver. scary. glaring sun in my eyes was no help. Thankfully, we made it safely. Poor kid wasn't feeling well herself.

Tomorrow, I meet with my pain doc and we will talk about the stim device. for me. I've been reading up on it, online, not convinced one way or another really. Just tired of living the way I have been. Sick in pain. Rather, painfully sick. The ONE medication I can take for preventative, my insurance refuses to pay for. So tomorrow should be interesting.

To think of the amount of treatments, hospitals, medications, injections, states, doctors, different methods, the money we have spent, time; it is amazing to me. Still, we fight with our insurance company. Unreal.

So, what am I supposed to be doing right now? I stared a mural, actually, a three-wall mural maybe two weeks ago. So far, all that I was able to accomplish was the pencil drawing. I feel awful, I don't know when I will be able to get back to it. I guess I'll get to it when I do....

Wishing you a pain free day
Deborah

another migraine

Struck. again. This time, I believe I know the cause. I'm blaming my insurance company. For almost two years, my doctor and I have been fighting them to keep a drug that has been keeping the monster at bay. Keeping it in a sleeping mode. Keeping me home, away from the life I was living in the hospital.

On Friday, the monster came knocking. HARD. I was taking the medication, Namenda, every other day, winding down my dosage to it's inevitable end. I gave myself a shot in the hip of Toradol, my only abortive, it graciously took the edge off. But on Saturday it was back with a vengance, and I was down for the day. I tried my abortive, but it just wouldn't deliver any relief.

By Monday, I was done with the Namenda and the monster was in full gear - wreaking it's anger and wrath on and in my head, my stomach, my back. Everything hurt. Nothing was working to relieve he pain. Tuesday evening, I started getting spasms in my spine, thru my back and out my eye and the top of my head - like a spike was being thrust thru me. Today, the pain was worse. I couldn't sit or lay down, only walk thru the pain, to release some of the tension. I couldn't wait to get to the infusion center today, to start the onslaught of drugs that I'm hoping, will break the pain.

Once there, and the iv started, the spasms started again, this time after I had received Benedryl and Mag sulfate, so I was a bit groggy and not about to walk anywhere. Thankfully, it didn't last as long as it did lastnight or this afternoon. I stood at my chair stomping my feet, trying to beat the pain out of my spine and back.

For anyone who thinks a migraine is just a bad headache; I challenge them to hang with a migraineur on a bad day. or a good day, even a good day with one of those low-grade migraines, come and hang out with me, you'll see it's not just a stinking headache. No, it's much worse. It doesn't involve just my head either; but my stomach wants so badly to just hurl anything. But most times, I cannot eat TO hurl. Oh, and let's not forget about the visual spirals and geometrical weird stuff that I see and hear. Yes, hear. The screaching, screaming, sirens, everything is louder than it should be, and brighter than bright. Nope, definitely NOT just a headache.

We are now contacting the pharmaceutical company for the drug I need. Letting them know my insurance company sucks. out. loud.

Well, I really hope you are pain-free
Deborah