The Tormentor

Tormented
Once Again. I feel it, as it grips my skull
Raging through me, bit by bit.
Mangled shreds of memory and pain.
Each piece a tattered loss of forgotten past.
No way to escape the pain, or
To lessen the sound of it's fury; no there's never an
End to it, only a brief moment of silence until the next time;
Deceived again by Migraine, The Tormentor


Please forgive the gory skull. I retrieve my pictures from Photobucket, and boy does this one give a great description of what the device chamber represents, in my mind anyway.

Yesterday I woke with yet another monster, followed by the ice pick, over and over again. That's ok, on Monday I will go in for my cryo blasting. This time - I will be so lucky to get it on not one, but BOTH sides. I am so thrilled. And, literally, I am thrilled.

Let me just go thru a few of the places and things I've missed due to the latest monster; I signed up for a new Beth Moore Bible study at church, and was only able to make one of the last three, THREE, studies. due to the monster in my head.

I missed my little guys Open House for Second grade. But I did get to go to his back-to-school barbecue lastnight. And I took the monster with me.

I have missed the last three sessions of Hope's Ambassadors with Lexi. A song and dance for the Special Needs kids. I hate the monster.

I missed my dental cleaning. ugh, that's a real downer.

A fun get-together with the girls at church. that includes desserts. Hey, we are Southern Baptists. did I mention the desserts?? I have missed too many to mention.

It has been two weeks, I think since I've posted here. and why???? riiiiiiight, the monster. It never really goes away, totally, it hides, so to speak; sneaks up when I have plans. Dare I make them. Oh, I almost forgot that one!!!! We made plans with my Bro and Sister-in-law to hit wine country a few weekends ago; couldn't go. Yeah, yeah poor me.

I realize there are so many who have it so far worse, I really do; I sympathize, empathize, and pray that the pain and situation is different for them. Right now, my former FIL is lying in a hospital very ill; and I pray for him with my children that he gets well. I truly do pray he gets well; it's a sticky situation that one. The "ex" factor. His parents are ill, I feel for him with that and them. His wife is a controlling freak, who has no respect for him or my children; and yet, demands it from them, oh and me. Like that is going to happen. I really feel for him. We had a shakey marriage, it ended badly, but I don't believe he deserves her disrespect and controlling ways. I don't agree with the way she treats my children and him, so what do you do in this situation? Nothing, in my place. I just sit back, idle, and pray. Literally.

So anyway, that's that. I have another freaking monster in my head - nothing new there. I'm alive and well other than that. My dog is still ugly. My kids are absolutely wonderful. My husband is bored out of his ever-loving mind being retired and going mad watching the changes going on in the auto industry. He is wonderful, especially when I am ill. I don't know what I would do without him. We have a fabulous Saviour who blesses us in way too many ways to count. And yet, I complain.

Oh, our Philip will be coming home soon. Like next month. He is well, exhausted from being in the middle of Afghanistan. I can't wait to see him, to cook for him and wait on him hand and foot. He is going on a well-dserved cruise to the Carribean. He needs it. Please don't forget to continue to pray for our military heroes; they need it desperately. more than you even know.

Praying you are pain-free
Deborah

Welcome to My Invisible Illness: A Journey into a Migraine

Thank you for coming to my party of sorts. I don't mean to be sarcastic, but you see, I'm feeling myself start to fade today. The weather is changing and so starts my metamorphosis. Let me explain:

A statement was made to me this week, again, on a rather sunny day. I was dressed very nice, my hair was done up, my make up on. You get the picture. I looked - oh dare I even utter it - good. There I said it.

Anyway, I was feeling great, no monster stabbing my skull. I had gone to great lengths to make my feet look and feel nice, nails clipped and polished. Here I was smiling and minding my own business when this certain person mentioned to me that I "look too good to be sick." ????? What does that mean? Exactly.

Fortunately I am able to have those "too good" days when the beast isn't beating me down. I can smile on those days, and get dressed, brush my teeth and eat. Generally, I'm able to even walk out of my house. However; there have been days, like today, where I feel myself sort of fading, like I'm here, but slowly going someplace I don't want to be. To that sick place; that invisible place. The ugly place that the outsider doesn't see.

If you are new to my site, brace yourself, I hold nothing back here, I tell it like it is. Migraines are not at all invisible, not mine anyway; they invoke themselves in an almost beautiful array of invitation....

in a very dizzying fashion like this. I cannot escape them, see, I just fall deeper and deeper into them. See how pretty it is! You can hear it, too, can't you? It's very faint at first, but a slight tingle of a triangle, and it leaves a little shiver up my spine. This usually takes a few hours for me, the time I'm in my slumber hour, or so I think. Part of me is in a sort of half sleep, the other is in a hypnotic daze, gazing off into the aura as they dance off, taking me away with them. Swirling away for what must be hours, changing me chemically, no doubt. For I went to bed feeling wonderful.

Now as you have fallen into the trap of the dizzying array of my aura, I want you to still concentrate on it's beauty and remember the sound of the triangle; ting, ting, ting..........

Be very careful, that triangle is very dangerous, it's a freight-train in disguise. Just as you are lulled under the covers to get snuggled and warm, thinking you are comfortable and at rest, the sound becomes louder, and louder still. As you cannot escape the dizzying array of that pattern, it spins faster, flipping from left to right, throwing you off balance. Your center of gravity? Where exactly is it? Your body jumps at the thought of falling.


The train is now approaching and you are feeling the cool rails on your very spine. You are so cold, you shiver. And yet, you are sweating. Now the stomach is in that awful mode wanting to puke, you feel the need to run, but you are afraid to move. You have been so tensed up that your jaws hurt. The triangle, yes, it is now making it's true appearance - suddenly you hear the sound of screaching iron on iron. Louder. Louder. And worse, you feel it, yes, you can feel it, it has now hit you inside your head. You cannot escape it.



The monster is desperately working; banging and pounding about inside. You can hear the sounds of his breast plates as they move against each other, they screach in unison with the train now. He is grumbling with your stomach, the sounds are so deafening and painful to hear.

You lose sight from your right eye; and as you try desperately to get to your feet, to make it to the bathroom in time, you find that you just lost the entire right side of your body. No feeling on your face; your arm is as heavy as the dog, you are terrified. You cannot move your right leg. You have never in your life felt such intense pain before. And why is the sun blasting silver rays into your window? Have they ever before made such a sound?

What has happened to you? The room, the floor and bed start to spin and you need to get to the bathroom. You will puke your guts out if you don't get to the bathroom! Unfortunately, you can't move. Welcome to my Invisible Illness called Migraine.

It isn't always invisible. It isn't alway pretty. I don't always "look good" nor do I necessarily feel terrific. But by God's grace I do get through it day by wonderful day; or monstrous day. whichever.

My Migraine days, you will simply see me, invisible. I will be at home (or in the hospital, infusion center) under my covers, dealing with my monster in the only way I can......I will not be smiling, made up, dressed-up, or looking AT ALL good.

Today, I am fading out; going to invisible land. Wishing all of you with any and all Chronic Illnesses, a truly Pain-free weekend.
Deborah

I'm Addicted

....to junk. I went back for more and just look what I got. These cute folding chairs. Can't wait to play with them.


then there was this child's desk and little hutch, and oh look at the headboard and footboard! I can't believe people just throw this stuff out. My imagination is just running wild with ideas for these pieces.

Not sure if you recall this ugly little shelf; well, it wasn't too bad, really. Well, anyway, Nicholas claimed it for himself before I decided to do anything and that was a good idea because he needed a place for his books. So yesterday, while it was ugly and raining and I was in between abortives and ginger ale and my pillow and just plain feeling like garbage, I did....

THIS to it! Doesn't it look much better now? This is the little spot outside of his door, which I think is a cute spot for the shelf, but he prefers it in

his room - oh he is soooo demanding lately. What happened to my sweet little boy? He is turning 8 in November; could that be it? Please dear, God don't let my little boy turn into a little monster now. At least he still wakes up and cuddles, and hugs me and kisses. But he does stomp his feet and grumble. He never used to do that.

Tomorrow, I'm hoping to start the desk I picked up for him on the first day of my dive. It will match the shelf. (even if he does grumble)

By the way, I took Chrisarella and her friend with me on this last little escapade and now they, too are addicted. They want to know when the next village is hosting a big dump-out. If only I knew! Regardless, I will be checking my local listing.

Wishing you pain-free days

Deborah

Son of Sanford

One of my most favoritest weekends has come - dump your junk! Or as I like to call it, "Dumpster Diving Weekend." Oh, it is so amazing the stuff that people no longer need! It took some getting used to for Frankie, my driver, who asked if he could wear a disguise. Fortunately for him, on day one, it was dark and rainey. And he did NOT wear a disguise. Look at the goodies we got!!



Yeah, I know, the corner cabinet is a litte, hmm, how shall I say, kitchey?? But I have some grand ideas in mind! Look at the folding hanger for my laundry! I was thrilled. I'm so GREEN!!! I know, wouldn't Al Gore just gouge his eyes out for that!!



OOh, lookey look at this adorable little book case for Nick's room. Yeah, it is wood. Cute isn't it! Oh, and this mirror; mirror, mirror on the wall.....can you just stand it!!!




Aah, this old school desk is just perfect for the little man in his room for OH NO, HOMEWORK!!!! Oh, and that little table in the back is going in the family room downstairs. Perfect to hide the games in. I may go look for more today!!!! Wait, see that little milking stool in there? Cute huh. Everything is in nearly new shape, just needs some TLC. Perfect!

I ended taking him out again yesterday, in the sunshine, and he was enjoying the dig. We are a bunch of trashers. Who knew he'd turn out to be a great diver? I just can't wait to turn out all my junk.

Oh wait, one more thing; there were these awesome black shutters I found in my shed, rememeber? I have decided to turn them into presents for Christmas. Here is one I made for my Mother-in-law.



Hoping you are all pain-free today.
Deborah

My Migraine Aura Table

This is the little teapot with it's pretty colors, that inspired me to paint my table. The little salt and pepper shakers gave me the rest of diagonals and geometrical shapes and colors. I painted the paisley simpley because, well, I just like them.

It is so like the aura I wake with each morning; that I go off to sleep with. The flickering that I catch out the corner of my eye. Those that twist and spin and swirl, scream and screach; yes they are all here in this table.

Now the decision I have, is this, do I paint the chairs to match? Is the table more than enough? Does it look unfinished?

Does anyone who doesn't get Migraines, get it ? Does it really matter if they don't. Regardless, my family likes it. It's done. I'm already off to other projects.

Tomorrow, I'm off to the big dumpster dive! I can't wait. That is, if this current Migraine goes away. Must be Hannah driving it in.

Hoping you are well.

Deborah

Bye-Bye, Birdies

The first day of school. All across the Blogosphere, I've noticed that kids have been back for a few weeks; but here in NY, our kids are just going back. Today is the first day for my kids.

Cinderisa is excited to see her friends. Chrisarella is nervous to be entering the Jr. High and afraid of getting lost. I must say, her outfit matched excellent! A plus for her.

As for Nicholopolous - he just plain did NOT want to go. Let's just say fear factor was on high in my house. But as soon as the big Yellow monster arrived, and all the little girls yelled his name, he had his game on. The little girls love this kid! Hey, he is adorable!

Yeah, yeah color change! I don't know about you, but I just love love love the dew on pretty flowers in the morning. Like this:

isn't that just so precious? Now I just need to go out there today and spray the little aphids off of it!! grr.

Oh looky looky at this adorable little bundle of fun. Here's one for you Migraine Chick. Something a little, um, different, you might say:

(cackling!) the little chicks have hatched all over the place! Who knew they'd multiply so fast?

Ooh, look, another dewey, rose:

Before long, the winds will be changing and bringing frost and snow. UGH! Tomorrow it is supposed to turn humid and by Friday - 90!! Whew, good thing we put a pool in! I will SO be posting those pool pictures I've been saving up.

But for today, Frank and I have it to ourselves. ha ha ha ah HA HA HA. Oh, I almost forgot about the little party I've arranged with the other parents; "tea" time. gotta go!! Have a truly splendid day.

Deborah

Sassafrass

This adorable little teapot, in its pretty array of colors, is pretty much the only splash of color you see in my kitchen. My very dark kitchen.

So, I dragged out my table last week, sanded the finish off of it, and completely started to freak out my family by applying paint. Wait, I must also add that my never-ending dream-waking aura are also an inspiration to my whimsical table. It's very colorful, bright and cheery. I have yet to apply the finishing touches, glazing, staining and poly. But I am ready to give a sneak-peak. I have been neglecting my blog something awful.

Notice my new stove in there! Works beautifully.

Yes, I have a thing for roosters. Some of the colors have come from the dining room; must tie it all in! Look, more roosters. OOPs, and some clutter. I have not been tidy this week. Nope, too busy on my trigger table. Crazy, don't you think? It's actually pretty funny in a way, painting a table to

resemble the aura that I wake with. But those that

I wake with are spinning very fast and make noise

like "zzzzzzzzzzpppp" and my table has no sound at

all. That's a great thing, huh!

This, I believe will definitely brighten my kitchen up. It will certainly cheer me up. Oh, and I did some pretty paisley on the top of it, too. I just love paisley. Don't you love paisley? I'm so hoping it can be done by Friday. yeah, right. we'll see.

I suppose I could call it my migraine table. it hasn't actually triggered anything yet. thankfully. I mean, the same old garbage is still there, but..... I am having lots of fun getting back into my artsy fartsy side again.

The kids say they are going to have a hard time eating on it. No problem! Use the dining room. (that is, until I decide to do that table!) Which actually does need to be resurfaced. hmmmm. just sayin.

Oh and yes, that is a wine rack, an empty wine rack. Let me show you one reason WHY it's empty: (I assure you it has nothing to do with my glass)

Oh sure he looks fluffy. He is an oaf. His tail is dangerous. His head is huge.

I have an interesting question, has nothing to do with anything on my blog; but why, on Day 2 of the Republican National Convention, is it not, in this day and age, on the three major networks?? Interesting don't you think; considering the Democratic Convention was. Just thinking. We just came across it on CNN. Funny, huh.

Thank you for stopping by. I hope this day finds you pain-free

Deborah

Crafty, Achey Me

Despite the non-stop head pounding that seems to occupy my time; I have made myself busy with one of my favorite stand-bys - repurposing. This cute shelf has been redone again by moi, and is now in Cinderisa's room. She is in need of organization. Her room is a work in progress.

Anyway, this is how the shelf turned out after I added the pretty scrapbook paper and glazing. It has a very aged looked to it; you know, the one that people pay loads of money for and women get.

While it was setting up and drying, Frankie was looking at it, and starting picking at it, saying, "it's dirty."!!!! He obviously didn't get it. I had to explain to him that it was supposed to look that way.

Once it was dry, (and he was done picking away), I put it in her room, and put a few things on it. She fell in love with it once she saw it. That put a smile on my face - I made my child happy. Which reminds me, I need show you what I did to Christina's mirror. She's sleeping right now, it'll need to wait.

Here's my dilema: CONSTANT never ending migraine. again. What. is going On? I'm afraid I'm going back where I started, ooh, I really don't like going there.

As I lay in bed on Saturday night, peacefully sleeping, I was suddenly jarred awake at 3 with the picks and rods shooting out the top of my head. They came so fierce from the left and right; it was awful, but I had the lyrics from Queen going over and over in my head at the same time - "THUNDER BOLTS OF LIGHTENING, VERY VERY FRIGHTENING ME!" Over and over, the pain came and the words to the song came with it.

Today, I think I'm going to call my doctor and look into some infusion for this week. Ugh, more drugs. I've been icing and using my abortive; which has rendered useless. not good.

Hey, good news: the man is here to put my stove in. yipee.

This and That

So, this is the table that I rescued last week from the doom of the dump. Yeah, here it's ugly. But look at the potential!!

The first thing I did was take it apart. I just knew it was going to be awesome.

So after I painted and then glazed, it looked sort of like this. But naturally, it looks different on the computer.

I took an old faux leather panel and cut it up and it is now the top of my card table. Perfect, if I say so myself.


It's hard to see how the colors came out, but the base over the original is a pea green color, and the glaze is a soft cream color. Very nice.

Seriously, the camera has done NOTHING for this little project of mine today. I don't care. I'm very pleased with it. And to think, someone wanted this nice table to end up in a land fill. I don't think so!

I hope you are having a nice weekend. Our pool is filling. The kids were in it today - freezing. I was cruising in a very pretty yellow Corvette today, with my hair flying in the breeze. Nice day. And the Yanks are ahead 9 - 4 so far.

Wishing you all a pain-free weekend.

Deborah

Lastnight my little guy walks up to me and shows me his tooth which was facing, well, the wrong way.

"Mom, I think it's really really loose. Do you think it's ready to come out now?"

I told him to just pull it out. It really grosses me out to go there touching that. YUCK. I mean, I'll wiggle it and all, but no WAY am I pulling.

So he grabbed himself a tissue, and pulled it right out, first try. And he had a visit from the Tooth Fairy, naturally. (I forgot the Fairy Dust with child number 4) yeah, I suck.

Seriously, I don't think it bothered him in the least. Fairy dust or no fairy dust, he was thrilled with the money.


Now what do you suppose we could be looking at here? Oh and boy do I need to get working on that other wicker chair I've been meaning to finish. After cleaning the garage out today, I now remember that I have 2 cans of the brown paint I did the rest of the wicker in. Hmmmm. tomorrow is another day. where was I?


What is the big deal over the deck everyone? Baseball game? Bocce ball? What is it? What could have everyone looking to the back yard today? Wait, it's coming to me...... there was something out there a few weeks ago, wasn't there?
Ah ha! That's what it is; installation day has finally arrived. My oh my, have we been waiting and waiting and waiting for the rain to stop so it can begin. We were all like a bunch of Nicholas's, you know, theven year olds, all happy and watching and anxious.

Naturally, boy with a gazillion questions; had. well, a gazillion questions. about each. individual. piece and part that went together to the pool. (Should I be concerned that it took just 2 - 2 1/2 hours to put it up?) I mean, they do this for a living and all; but. It just seemed to go up so fast. The nice thing about having a curious theven year old AND having people who are installing a pool, is that it redirects his attention elsewhere. He will forever athk his quethtions to thomeone elthe. He had SOmany, that one guy told him; "why don't you just get a pen and paper and you can remember everything." DOH

So because we were so terribly busy watching the pool being installed; I just couldn't drag myself to make dinner. I do suck, I know. We went out; always entertaining with boy genius. He noticed on the table, Quickdraw. (or whatever it's called. I don't play, don't gamble, so if the name is wrong, I don't really care.) I'm hearing McGraw in my head anyway.

"I love this!" he jumps up in the seat (next to me) yelling in my ear all excited. Then gets the attention of the server, "Excuse me, could you turn this TV on to Quickdraw?" Points to the TV facing our booth.

"WHAT???" I'm saying to him, little maniac that he is and actually thinking he's going to get to you know - GAMBLE!! I just let the server bust his bubble and tell him he needed to be 18, then she corrected herself and said 21. I just did the ol' "ha ha ha ha ha ha" to him.

When he was 4, a server set the table and gave him a butter knife; he said to her; "I am not supposed to have a knife. I am only four years old you know. I could cut myself. " She didn't know whether to laugh or take him serious. Oh, but he was very serious.

School starts in two L O N G W E E K S!!!!! It's been a long summer. It's been a busy summer; oh and terribly wet here. This little boy feels the need to be constantly entertained, by everyone. His favorite game is SORRY. he has no mercy for anyone. And we have all come to hate the game with a passion because he has played us to death.

Now, we are filling the pool and waiting for it to fill. He is asking if he can thwim tomorrow. What time? Or why not tonight? How long is it going to take? He is excited. He can go to his Dad's and swim for the weekend.

Rocco, is, I believe afraid of the giant noisy white thing in the backyard. He refuses to go down the steps into the yard. He just stares at it. Funny how animals take change.

Jammie time. finally! wishing you a pain-free evening
Deborah

In Shock

When I got my paper this morning; I saw a very sad, sad article on the front page. I am still in disbelief.



No doubt, fans everywhere are feeling the loss of a wonderfully gifted musician, LeRoi Moore. My thoughts go to his family, the band, the fans. So sad.